- 8 hours ago
7 Days - Season 18 - Episode 01: Thursday February 19
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00:22Welcome to a brand spanking new season of 7 Days.
00:26I'm your brand spanking same host Jeremy Corbett
00:28and joining me are a brand spanks-wearing collection of comics hellbent
00:32on laughing in the face of most chat-worthy news of the week.
00:36Let's meet them, shall we?
00:37The leader of Team One was the youngest Billy T Award winner ever.
00:40So young, even got invited to Epstein's Island.
00:42It's Rhys Matthews.
00:45Thank you, Jeremy.
00:46And it was a pleasure to see you there.
00:50We have got a great Team One this evening.
00:52They are the prom king and queen of GloriaVale 2015.
00:55It's Jack Lenson and Rhys.
01:02Just to be clear, I was there for the catering.
01:04Over on Team Two, feel the rhythm, feel the rhyme, get on up.
01:08It's Henwood time.
01:09It's Dye Henwood.
01:10Thank you very much, Jeremy.
01:12Pleasure to be here.
01:14Oh, namaste.
01:15On Team Two tonight,
01:16we've basically got the Thelma and Louise of comedy,
01:19which I suppose makes me the Brad Pitt,
01:21but whatever.
01:22Whatever.
01:22Give it up for Abbie Howells and Justine Smith.
01:28Alrighty.
01:29Our first round for 2026 is Newsmakers.
01:32Why mess with perfection?
01:33This is where our comedians must decipher
01:35which news story or clip I provide is all about.
01:37And Team One, you're up first.
01:39Why is this in the news?
01:41I haven't done it once.
01:42You can f***.
01:43You haven't done it once?
01:44I haven't done it once.
01:47This is just a regular flat meeting
01:49about how we all need to empty the dishwasher.
01:52Is this razor trying to reapply for All Black's coat?
01:55Oh, I haven't done it.
01:56I've never done it.
01:57I've never done it.
01:58Well, based on the fact that he looks like he's curling,
02:01is it sex?
02:06That is the real answer.
02:08The Winter Olympics is heating up, Jeremy,
02:10because the Canadian Cold Lawn Bowls team
02:13have been accused of cheating.
02:15Yeah, well done, Team One.
02:16The Winter Olympics have been rocked
02:18by a string of controversies, actually.
02:20You had Crotchgate and the ski jumping.
02:21Team Canada, they're accused of cheating in the curling.
02:24And, of course, that Norwegian biathlete
02:26tearfully confessing to cheating on his girlfriend.
02:28Have you seen the biathlon?
02:30I don't know if you've seen it.
02:30That's where they ski and shoot rifles,
02:32which is all good when they do it,
02:33but when I show up to Snow Planet with a handgun,
02:35I'm apparently not an athlete.
02:40So what's Crotchgate?
02:42Crotchgate is...
02:43So in the big ski jump,
02:44where they do the massive ski jump,
02:46they've been wearing looser uniforms or outfits,
02:50which gives them a more aerodynamic profile
02:52and keeps them in the air longer
02:53and gives them a longer jump.
02:55Why is it to do with the crotches?
02:56Because that's where they've got the extra material.
02:59Everyone has extra material there, don't they?
03:00Not me.
03:02Well, actually, the older you get,
03:04the more perfect you are for the long ski jump,
03:06I'm honest.
03:07Yuck!
03:10I'd hate to bring this back to curling.
03:13Yeah.
03:14Nice.
03:16Please do.
03:17But isn't curling itself cheating?
03:20Like, shouldn't they do it when the water's not frozen?
03:22That would be more impressive.
03:25Throwing a stone quick enough, skipping it across the water.
03:27Skipping a stone and then having to...
03:30I wouldn't do that on TV.
03:32No, I'm talking about the curling, not the venus.
03:37And it annoys me too,
03:38because, you know,
03:39if you know there's going to be an event on the ice that day,
03:41clean it up beforehand.
03:42That's what happened.
03:45I always rush you up in the middle of it.
03:47It's like, we see you there, guys.
03:51Genuine question.
03:52If you fall and hurt yourself at the Winter Olympics,
03:55instead of putting you on ice,
03:56do they just leave you there?
03:59I like curling.
04:00Curling's a sport for people who are old enough to enjoy lawn bowls,
04:04but young enough to survive a slip on the ice.
04:08It's one of those great sports in the Olympics
04:11you watch and think,
04:12I could still make that team.
04:16I feel like there might be a bit more to it.
04:18It's a bit like saying you could do the luge
04:20because you could sit in a toboggan going down an icy trail.
04:22Oh, yeah, the luge looks easy.
04:25Have you seen the one where they lie on top of each other?
04:27Yeah, yeah, yeah.
04:28I don't know if you're watching the luge.
04:31Oh, trust me, I am.
04:33How did that conversation start?
04:36Well, like, who's top and bottom?
04:38No, like, to go,
04:39hey, man, like, you haven't dripped,
04:41do you want to lie on top of me
04:42and this hoon down the mountain to here?
04:45And we'll put on real tight clothes.
04:48You know, just lie on top of me
04:50and we'll go real...
04:51It's like a hydroslide, but really dangerous,
04:54and we'll be in, like, real tight clothes.
04:55Just like...
04:57Don't worry if it's hard.
04:58I just objected it for you.
05:00That's right.
05:01You know, one of the worst mistakes I made as a young man
05:04was the first time I went snowboarding.
05:07We went up the mountain
05:09and there was a photographer there from a snowboarding magazine
05:12and I went up and told him that I was a pro snowboarder.
05:17And he went, sweet ass, hop on the chairlift
05:20and I'll take you to this jump and I'll take a photo of you.
05:23And so I went up there and I could skateboard,
05:26so I knew how to stand on it.
05:27And I just, we're fanging down this hill.
05:30Oh, God.
05:30And he sent me the photo.
05:32I'm completely upside down.
05:34And just before my head smacked into a rock...
05:38Oh.
05:38..and then I got airlifted off the mountain.
05:43The photo is amazing.
05:46Yeah.
05:46All right, any more for that?
05:48We'll move on.
05:49Over to you, team two.
05:50Have a look at this clip.
05:52Tell me what it's all about.
05:53That's a wonderful reputation to have.
05:55I'm very pleased to hear that news.
05:56Oh, it does...
05:58It's Bill Clinton with a Kiwi accent, isn't it?
06:00It does.
06:01Wait, has he just...
06:02I know what he's proud of.
06:03He's the guy in the street that puts the bins out first
06:07so everyone knows what bin date is.
06:09Oh.
06:09I like to call them the binfluencer.
06:13God bless that person.
06:14I know, it's certainly not our house.
06:16Oh, is this about Hamilton becoming the new Wellington?
06:21Hamilton becoming the new Wellington?
06:23So, what, like, the new Wellington, like,
06:26culture or capital?
06:27No, capital.
06:28Aren't they thinking about...
06:29Am I right?
06:30I'm not even the team captain.
06:31You say it.
06:31OK.
06:36Hamilton is going to become the new capital
06:40of New Zealand?
06:42What is wrong with you?
06:43Did you hit your head while skiing?
06:46Yeah, you're right.
06:47Off the back of being voted New Zealand's safest city
06:49from natural disasters,
06:52there have been calls to move the politicians there
06:54and make Hamilton the capital of Aotearoa, New Zealand.
06:57Great way to bring down Hamilton's chlamydia numbers, isn't it?
06:59Bring in thousands of New Zealand's least f***able people.
07:05You're a Wellington boy,
07:06so you're probably a little patriotic for the capital staying.
07:09Well, what are you going to do with a beehive
07:11when your MDs turn into a chemist's warehouse?
07:14Not bad.
07:16You'd have the Panadol on one level
07:17and then you'd move up to the stronger drugs
07:20and the top level is your tramadol.
07:21You've got a certain method read up at the top.
07:25I think the problem is,
07:26in government, you want good decision-making.
07:28And I've never made a good decision in Hamilton.
07:31Yeah.
07:33Even the decision to go to Hamilton
07:35was not a good decision.
07:37Do we even need a capital?
07:39I mean, surely we can sort out most of our issue
07:41with, like, a WhatsApp group or something.
07:43Yeah.
07:43I mean, no, they pride themselves
07:45on being the largest inland city, right?
07:47I'm like, is that a brag?
07:49Like, oh, no thanks to the beach and fresh air.
07:53Yeah, but I mean,
07:54Wellington's not really nailing the beach at the moment.
07:573,000 litres of shit.
08:00Wait, so Hamilton's the safest city from natural disasters?
08:03Apparently.
08:04Then why does it look like that?
08:07Not even the natural disasters want to go there.
08:16If they move the politicians there,
08:18they'll have a bloody field day.
08:21Oh.
08:22Oh, God, I hate myself.
08:24I think...
08:26Well, I'm from Dunedin,
08:28so I'll make an advocate for Dunedin being the capital.
08:31I'll say, Dunedin, yeah, it's cold,
08:33but think about this.
08:34We've got the best murders, baby.
08:36The best murders in the country.
08:38Sorry about that.
08:40Not the highest amount of murders,
08:41but the murders we do have are like,
08:43Mamma Mia!
08:45It's now time to turn this fun little game
08:47into a competitive bloodbath by using points.
08:49Team 1,
08:50I'll give you the number of episodes of 7 Days in existence.
08:53445.
08:54You are watching 446.
08:56That's your score.
08:57Well, Team 2,
08:58you get the number of kākāpō in existence,
09:01237,
09:02after Yasmin had one of her eggs hatch on Valentine's Day.
09:05Although it won't officially be added to the tally
09:07until it fledges.
09:09It does mean that Team 1 gets our first star of the night.
09:12Well done.
09:15What are they playing for, I hear you ask?
09:17I do hear you.
09:18Apart from the glory,
09:19it's a prize plucked right from the headlines.
09:22Say ooh or ah
09:23as you take a look at this week's prize.
09:25There it is.
09:26Our tribute to the signature dish of the Italian Winter Olympics,
09:30the frozen pizza.
09:33The winning team will take home their own leaning tower
09:36to cook from frozen,
09:38munch through like an ice block,
09:39or hurl through their neighbour's window
09:41like an icy frisbee.
09:42Congratulations.
09:43Time now on 7 Days 4,
09:44Yes Minister,
09:45where we pick a politician,
09:46fly them to Auckland,
09:47make them stand over there
09:48until I introduce them.
09:49This week we have the newly named leader
09:51of the party formerly known as TOP,
09:53the Opportunity Party.
09:55Give it up for Q Lai Wong!
10:00Q Lai, welcome to the show.
10:02Q, if I may be so bold,
10:04your job to answer the questions from these reporters,
10:07in inverted commas,
10:09without saying yes or no.
10:10You got it?
10:11Got it.
10:11Okay, got it.
10:12Take it away.
10:13Q,
10:13I worked on Dancing with the Stars closely
10:16with David Seymour.
10:19Do you know any good therapists?
10:22I would love to go on Dancing with the Stars
10:24if you can get me on there.
10:27Q Lai,
10:28my friend claims to be a bottom,
10:30can he still vote for you?
10:34We've moved on,
10:35we've moved on.
10:36It's just opportunity.
10:37Q,
10:38I read that you lived in London,
10:41worked in fashion,
10:42and then met a man from Palmerston North.
10:45Would you agree that sentence goes
10:47from real good to real bad?
10:49And are you putting politics at the end of that as well?
10:54Gareth Morgan came on the show,
10:56but I'm okay now.
10:59He was very anti-cats,
11:01and obviously I'm very much into cats.
11:04I also have a husband breaking the rule,
11:05but I'm just wondering, Q,
11:08are our pussies safe in your hands?
11:12Very safe, very safe.
11:14Don't flirt with me.
11:18So,
11:19I was just going to say,
11:20so your nickname is Q,
11:22did you shorten it from Q Lai
11:23so that Christopher Luxon
11:24will be able to pronounce it?
11:26Yeah, I thought we needed to mix it up
11:28with all the Chris's,
11:29you know,
11:29so they spice it up a bit.
11:31Speaking of names,
11:32so it went from
11:33the Opportunities Party
11:34to just Opportunity.
11:36Is that because New Zealand's
11:37in such a bad place
11:38you can't promise
11:38more than one opportunity?
11:42We've really got one opportunity
11:44to save everything,
11:45and this election is it.
11:46Yeah.
11:47Yeah,
11:48and on researching you for this,
11:50it was actually really hard
11:51because you don't actually
11:52have a Wikipedia.
11:53Did you know that?
11:53I do know that.
11:54But I've made you one.
11:57I don't know if that's creepy,
11:59but I have to make you...
12:00Have you actually?
12:01Yes!
12:01Because we've been looking for someone
12:02to help us with it.
12:03And I have put in here
12:05Wong is close personal friends
12:07with New Zealand comedian Jack
12:09and thinks he's a crack-up.
12:10Don't say no.
12:12I think that's going to help
12:14us get over the 5%.
12:15Yay!
12:17Just to answer your question, Jack,
12:19yes,
12:19that is majorly creepy.
12:22Yeah!
12:23It needed to be done!
12:24It did need to be done,
12:25and our comms team
12:26will be very happy with you.
12:28Well,
12:28it's been deleted
12:29because there's some
12:30false information on there.
12:33I'll do it again.
12:34I'll do it again.
12:34Wikipedia's like,
12:35Jack Antec's not crack-up.
12:38He's all right.
12:40Well,
12:40as a centrist party,
12:42you've kind of got
12:42a coalition on the table
12:43with anyone.
12:44You know,
12:45Hipkins,
12:46Luxon,
12:46Peters,
12:47Seymour,
12:48Swarbrick,
12:48Waititi.
12:49So let's play a quick game
12:50of shoot,
12:51shag,
12:51shag,
12:52shag,
12:52man.
12:54Shag,
12:54shag,
12:55shag?
12:57It's a hard one.
12:58It is a hard one.
13:00And the answer is...
13:02I think we will be
13:03sort of the therapist
13:04helping them all
13:05get along.
13:07We'll be learning
13:07how to,
13:09yeah,
13:10shag each other.
13:10I don't know.
13:12Wow!
13:14You are getting votes
13:15right now.
13:16You are getting votes.
13:17Speaking of hills,
13:18I saw on your Instagram
13:19that in 2017
13:20you went to Machu Picchu.
13:22Sorry,
13:23I'm creepy
13:24and you're stalking...
13:28It's more of a vibe thing,
13:29Jack.
13:31Did you also have
13:32one of the alpacas
13:33steal your sandwich?
13:34You know what?
13:35I didn't actually
13:36do Machu Picchu.
13:37I only went to,
13:38like,
13:38the start of that walk.
13:40So it's a bit
13:40of a false information.
13:42Oh, no,
13:42you're made for politics.
13:43Yeah.
13:46So say it's late at night
13:48and, uh,
13:50you wake up
13:50and you hear a noise
13:51and there's, like,
13:52a murderer in your house
13:54and he's, like,
13:54running towards you
13:55with a knife
13:56but his fly's undone.
13:57What are you...
13:58What are you gonna mention?
14:02I'm not sure
14:02where that question
14:03was going.
14:05Yeah.
14:05Very common reaction.
14:06You thought my question
14:07was weird.
14:09I've been sitting on that
14:10being like,
14:10oh, she's gonna love
14:11the question.
14:14Do you know how calm
14:16you would have to be
14:17to notice that?
14:18I know.
14:20Like, if you woke up
14:21in the middle of the night
14:22and there's a dude
14:23running at you
14:24with a knife,
14:25I don't reckon
14:26you look straight
14:27at his dick.
14:28You're looking at the...
14:29I'm going the knife,
14:31I reckon, not...
14:32Although you're at bed level,
14:33so, you know...
14:34Yeah, oh, that's true.
14:35You would be looking at it.
14:35Do not get sucked
14:36into this conversation.
14:39Q, you are now based
14:41in Mount Albert, I believe.
14:42Yes.
14:42Have you ever got...
14:43That's a yes.
14:45No.
14:46Nice.
14:47You've done very well.
14:48Give it up for Q,
14:48like that.
14:49Thanks very much.
14:51And congratulations,
14:52team two.
14:53Well done.
14:55Right, time now
14:56for the Burger Fuel
14:57Brain Grill,
14:58brought to us by
14:58our brand new sponsor.
14:59Thank you, Burger Fuel.
15:00This is where we turn
15:01back the pages of time
15:02and test our team's
15:03powers of recollection.
15:04Given that it's 30 years
15:06I learnt since Burger Fuel
15:07first opened their
15:08delicious doors,
15:09we're going to go back
15:0930 as well.
15:10So the magical year
15:11of 1995.
15:13Team one.
15:15He ought to stop me
15:16But never stop
15:17Never stop
15:18Never stop
15:19What was that all about?
15:21It's your bachelor party,
15:22Gorgie.
15:25And this is the baggage carousel
15:27after getting off
15:28Epstein's plane.
15:31That was,
15:31as many of you know,
15:32the launch of
15:33Windows 95
15:34with Bill
15:35Bad Boy
15:36Gates
15:36leading the moves.
15:38Just going to show
15:38that in 30 years
15:39white men have
15:40not learnt
15:40how to dance.
15:42Don't worry, team two,
15:43you're going to get a turn
15:44next break
15:45and you at home
15:45will get a chance
15:46later in the show
15:47to win thanks to
15:47the bloody legends
15:48at Burger Fuel.
15:49I'm very tired,
15:50need a break.
15:50Stick around though
15:51because we've got
15:51Slice of Seven
15:52when we return
15:53on Seven Days.
16:03Ah, you came back.
16:05Great to see your,
16:06what I imagine
16:07are incredibly
16:07beautiful faces.
16:09Time now for Slice of Seven
16:10where real life musicians
16:11take their real life songs
16:12and ruin them
16:13by changing them
16:14to be about a news story.
16:15This week we are joined
16:17in the studio
16:17by one of our favourites,
16:18a band that's been crushing it
16:19on American talk shows.
16:21Now they're on my talk show,
16:22back home just to come
16:23on Seven Days.
16:24Give it up for the Beths!
16:30Team One,
16:31we'll begin with you.
16:32Are you ready to decipher
16:33the Beths song
16:34and tell me what
16:34they're singing about?
16:35I'm so pumped.
16:36Beths in your own time.
16:37Take it away.
16:46I found money
16:47in my wall cavity
16:48200,000 in notes
16:52Wanted to give it to charity
16:56JK, I want a brand new boat
17:00My cash is stashed
17:03Guided by lads
17:04Kept so warm
17:06By pink bats
17:07And the cops, they want it
17:12Draft shit and damn
17:15My roof is richer
17:17Than I am
17:19Damn shit and
17:21Jeez
17:22If you find cash
17:24Don't tell the police
17:26Cause I can't buy bugs
17:28I can't shop
17:29Can't buy wine
17:30The cash was earned
17:32Due to crime
17:34Sooner next time
17:35I'll keep my lips sealed
17:46So good.
17:47Wow, we.
17:49Wow, we indeed.
17:50What do you reckon?
17:51There was talk of money?
17:53Talk of walls?
17:54Roofs.
17:54Roofs.
17:55See you later.
17:56Yes.
17:56Money in the roof.
17:58You take it away, Rhys.
18:01Money in the roof, Jeremy.
18:04I'll need more.
18:05I think it was a Christchurch couple
18:07Found some money in their roof
18:09When they moved in.
18:10Oh, okay, yeah.
18:11As far as I can tell.
18:11We'll go with what
18:12My official answer is
18:13What Brinley said.
18:16Good words to live by, Rhys.
18:18Yes, a Christchurch couple
18:19Is embroiled in a legal fight
18:20To keep the $200,000 in cash
18:23They found in their ceiling.
18:24Police claim the couple
18:25Don't get to keep the money
18:26Because it may have been earned
18:27Through crime.
18:29And to underline that
18:29The police have consistently said
18:31That money isn't yours to spend
18:33Just because it happens
18:34To be in your house.
18:35Are you listening to this, honey?
18:46Oh, I'm the bad guy.
18:48Yeah, so they found $200,000
18:51But the police are saying
18:51Proceeds of crime
18:52Can't have it.
18:53Christchurch couple
18:54I think Jack and Brinley
18:55Should be allowed to keep it.
18:57So it was in their
18:58In their, like,
18:59Roof as insulation.
19:01Luck, I wish my house
19:02Had insulation.
19:05All I found in my ceiling
19:06Was some really old
19:07Candy floss.
19:11It's not candy floss.
19:13It's not candy floss.
19:14And it tasted fine
19:15But there's a devil
19:17On the other end.
19:18Oregon.
19:20I mean, yeah,
19:22The people that own the money
19:23They must be in prison
19:24And they say
19:25Seven Days
19:26Is actually watched
19:27Quite a lot in prison
19:28So those people
19:29I'd just like to say
19:30Ha, shame?
19:33No, no, no.
19:34Yeah, you do realise
19:35That some people
19:36Get out of prison, Jack.
19:38Yeah, you did, David Bain.
19:40No, I'm sorry.
19:42No, no, no.
19:44Yeah, I did.
19:47And why?
19:49Do you know
19:50If they were, like,
19:50Vacuum packed
19:51Into little
19:52I don't.
19:53Yeah, I'd like to know.
19:55Like you see on television?
19:55A definite giveaway
19:56The proceeds of crime, isn't it?
19:58The vacuum packing.
19:59Is it?
20:00Oh, yeah.
20:01I've got a couple
20:01Of winter jerseys
20:02Under my bed
20:03That aren't a crime scene.
20:05They're a fashion crime.
20:07You'd be so.
20:14Alright, team two
20:15We're coming to you now.
20:17Beth, are you ready
20:17For a song?
20:18Okay.
20:19Tell me what story
20:20The Beths are singing about.
20:21All yours.
20:21Three, four.
20:27I thought I would go out flying
20:31But the planes have all been grounded
20:34Cause the cabin crews are crying
20:38They're because all the ships are waiting
20:41They are sick of all the sick bags
20:45And they're heading to the exit
20:48But at least this major airstrike won't involve
20:53That day's the first
20:55Cause they're paying
20:57Cause they're paying
20:58So long, long
21:01So long, long
21:02That's a big
21:04That's a big
21:05Flying order
21:07No, no, no
21:09I guess I'll take
21:10I guess I'll take
21:12An Uber
21:14An Uber
21:15An Uber
21:16On our way
21:17On our way
21:19On our way
21:19To Rotorua
21:20Rotorua
21:22Please don't show
21:25The safety video
21:29To them again
21:39I was sort of transfixed by the music
21:42And I wasn't really listening
21:43I heard sick bags
21:45Sick bags
21:46Which is my stripper name
21:47And I also
21:51Ladies and gentlemen
21:52Please welcome
21:53Welcome to the podium
21:55Sick bags
22:02I hurt my neck
22:03I hurt my neck
22:05I hurt my neck
22:07And on
22:07Don't watch the safety
22:08Please don't play
22:09The safety video
22:10So it's about
22:11Flight attendants
22:12Right
22:12I think
22:13And they've been in the news
22:14Yeah
22:15Oh cause they're striking
22:16They are striking
22:17Oh Jeremy
22:19Flight attendants
22:20Are striking
22:22So I don't know
22:23Where you're gonna
22:24Put your dollar bills
22:25And demand
22:26Oh my god
22:28Serve you more cassava chips
22:32Not true
22:34Good luck to anyone
22:35Taking a flight this month
22:36Flight attendants
22:37Across the nation
22:37Are striking
22:38On three separate occasions
22:39Throughout February
22:40Cabin staff
22:41Want more money
22:42As well as
22:42Better work conditions
22:43In fact
22:44The harsh working conditions
22:45Have caused many cabin crew
22:46To walk off the job
22:47And immediately
22:48Plummet to their deaths
22:52During when they
22:53Walked off the job
22:53Lights illuminated
22:54To show them
22:55The way out
22:57It's a tough job though
22:58I can see it
22:59It's a tough job
23:00Apparently on one
23:01International flight
23:02They deserve over
23:03300 drinks
23:04Right
23:04And that was
23:05Just a Winston Peters
23:06Yeah
23:08Well it'll be good
23:09To finally vape
23:10On the plane
23:11Without any
23:11F***ing knarks
23:19Did you see Jetstar's
23:20Response to this
23:21They were
23:21Hmm we should get
23:23Flight attendants
23:26New Zealand said
23:27They had actually
23:28Allocated money
23:28To pay the
23:29Attendants more
23:30But one of the
23:31Staff members
23:31Left it in the ceiling
23:32Of the house
23:33They were selling
23:34Well they've been in
23:35Negotiations for nine
23:36Months
23:37So they got told
23:37That the pay rise
23:38Was due
23:39And then they were
23:40Told it was delayed
23:41And then they told
23:42It was diverted
23:42To Palmerston North
23:47Did you know pilots
23:48Are one of the few
23:49Professions where
23:50You wear short sleeves
23:51And a tie
23:52What about banking
23:54Another one
23:55Casa
23:57Another one
23:59There's a few actually
24:00Insurance broker
24:01Oh no
24:02You're thinking of
24:04A Mormon insurance broker
24:05Oh yeah
24:05That's
24:06Well they did get
24:07A pay offer
24:08From Air New Zealand
24:09And apparently
24:10The flight attendant
24:11Said that it was
24:11Rubbish
24:12Any rubbish
24:14Any rubbish
24:16I hope the flight
24:17Attendants get more money
24:18The Beths
24:19They're back in the
24:20Country to a
24:21Nationwide tour
24:21This March
24:22Head to thebeths.com
24:23For all the ticket info
24:24And please listen
24:25To the real version
24:25The excellent new album
24:27Straight Line
24:27Was a lie
24:27One more time
24:28For the Beths
24:35We go to the points now
24:36Team 1
24:37You've earned a thousand
24:38That's the new amount
24:38Of space launches
24:39Rocket launches
24:40Allowed in New Zealand
24:41The initial cap of 100
24:42Set nine years ago
24:43Is set to be reached
24:44So you're allowed
24:44More good stuff
24:45Team 2
24:46You can have the amount
24:47Social media star
24:47Logan pulled a Pokemon card
24:49For $27.3 million
24:51What?
24:52He bought it
24:53Five years ago
24:54For $8.7 million
24:55$23.4 million
24:57Beat space
24:58Team 2
24:59You get a star
24:59Congratulations
25:00Congratulations
25:05Alright you know what time it is
25:07We're coming up to a break
25:08So thanks to Burger Fuel
25:09We've got another Burger Fuel
25:10Brain Grill for you
25:11This is team 2 this time
25:12What's going on in this story
25:13It is from 1995
25:19Good evening
25:19Well it was just a walk in the park
25:21Except the park blew up
25:25Oh
25:25This is when you're a bit pissed
25:27And you're trying to explain
25:28To your partner
25:29Why you're home late
25:31Just walk into the park
25:32And the park blew up
25:37That's of course
25:38The wonderful John Hawksby
25:39The eruption of Mount Ruapehu
25:41That shook the North Island
25:42Back on September 23rd 1995
25:44Who could forget
25:45I couldn't
25:46I was up there
25:46With my mates
25:47We were getting rid of some dynamite
25:48Into the crater
25:49Next time
25:49Oh boy
25:50Remember your chance to win
25:51Thanks to Burger Fuel
25:52Is coming up later in the show
25:53Break time now though
25:54Come back with your togs on
25:56When we return
25:56We're off to the beach
25:57It's Club Topicana
25:58See you soon
26:10It's raining and it's windy
26:12Must be summer
26:12What better time to head to the beach
26:14For Club Topicana
26:14Play the steel drums
26:26This year we've ditched Dole
26:28And replaced them
26:28With a better pineapple partner
26:30Psyche
26:31We'd never leave you Dole
26:33You're the pinnacle of pineapples
26:34We're in a lifelong
26:35Committed relationship
26:36Now inside
26:36This spiky fruity orb
26:38Recollection of my favourite stories
26:39From the week
26:40Ones that wet my whistle
26:41And had me thirsty
26:42For more
26:43So let's dive in
26:44Shall we
26:45Here we go
26:46Ah yes
26:47The Winter Olympics
26:48Is on right now
26:49As mentioned
26:49But they're so far away
26:51Geographically
26:52What if they were closer
26:53What if they were in New Zealand
26:54I'd like to see some scenes
26:56From a Kiwi Olympics
26:57Please
27:00What
27:00So you're supposed to have
27:01A swimming heat
27:02No every Tuesday
27:03We have half the pool
27:04Booked out for aquarobics
27:11And they're picking up speed
27:13Oh crashing right into
27:14The Michael Hill jeweler
27:16They've taken the gold
27:17They've taken the silver
27:18They've taken everything
27:24All right
27:25No snow for the bobsled this year
27:27So we've improvised
27:28And you're just going to be riding
27:28This chilli bin lid down
27:30Man Eden
27:36And
27:37To beat the Australian
27:39He is going to need
27:40An 8.2 metre splash
27:42On this manu
27:46And taking gold
27:47It is the Avondale bomb squad
27:57I'm here for the high jump
28:07Time now for the hot sand sprint
28:09From the water
28:10To the car park
28:11With one gender leech
28:12And go
28:17And the triathletes
28:19Are coming out of the water now
28:20They are scanning the QR codes
28:22On the line scooters
28:23And they are off
28:32That's 24
28:3425
28:3526 folks
28:36We've reached
28:37A new level of car
28:38Stuck behind a juicy camper
28:43Oh my god
28:44Look at that
28:45Incredible fireworks display
28:47Over Eden Park
28:48To mark the opening ceremony
28:49Of the Olympic Games
28:51Oh and what's that
28:51Oh the crowd are leaving
28:52Do beat the traffic
29:00And as we see
29:02The marathon runners
29:03Rounding the final bend
29:04The New Zealand crowd
29:05Erupts
29:06Into calling them
29:07Tryhards
29:11I hope you're taking note
29:12New Zealand Olympic Committee
29:13Think there's some good ideas
29:14In there
29:15We move to our next story
29:16Over our break
29:18There were
29:18Lots of oddball things
29:20Happening over in the USA
29:21Especially at the
29:22President's place
29:22The White House
29:23You've got me wondering
29:24What goes on behind the scenes there
29:26Let's take us inside team
29:28I'd like to hear some examples
29:30Of things overheard
29:31In the White House
29:36Okay so one more time
29:38President Trump
29:39When the gun goes off
29:40You go
29:45Hi I'm Keith
29:46I just moved in next door
29:48As a condition of my parole
29:49I have to inform you
29:50That I'm a registered sex offender
29:52Oh same
29:52Phew
30:01Make
30:02Make
30:03Great green card
30:05Look angry
30:07Make movie
30:17Oh god here we go
30:21Hey Grock
30:23How to run country
30:26That was my Trump impression
30:28I can't
30:29I can't
30:29I can't
30:29I thought you were doing Putin
30:31Anyway
30:31Sorry
30:34Hang on a second
30:36I just got a great text
30:38From my very good friend
30:39Jeremy Corbyn
30:40He's the funniest man
30:44I met him on a beautiful island
30:50Oh it feels like we were there
30:51Doesn't it
30:51Alright
30:52Let's have a look
30:53At our next story
30:55Oh Valentine's Day
30:56Yes it was this week
30:56Sorry for bringing it up again
30:57For all those low grade boyfriends
30:59Out there who forgot
31:01Like me
31:01I am bad
31:03But I'm sure they were worse
31:04Give me some examples
31:05Of the worst
31:07Valentine's Day please
31:10Oh this is so lovely babe
31:12State night at the zoo
31:13And getting to meet my spirit animal
31:15That's so great
31:16Thank you
31:16Why have we stopped
31:18By this big wrinkly old elephant
31:27Hi I'm Jack Ancet
31:30That's me
31:33Good to know
31:34No one in the crowd
31:35Knows my name
31:42Hey baby
31:43I thought for this Valentine's Day
31:44We could do a little bit of role play
31:46Yeah
31:47Okay cool
31:48Alright I rolled a nat 20
31:50A goblin appears
31:51From behind the room
32:01Oh god I'm still Mrs Corbett
32:10Girl are you Auckland City
32:11Because I reckon it's another year
32:12Before I can give you a light rail
32:20Alright enough romance
32:21Let's move on
32:23Yes
32:23It is our first day
32:24Back at work today
32:25And we're all struggling a bit
32:26To remember how we make this show
32:27I thought I'd throw that
32:29On the beach
32:29And ask the comedians
32:30To show me some examples
32:31Of forgetting how to do your job
32:35Hey settle down
32:36Settle down
32:36No one's here to judge you
32:38Now has the jury reached a verdict?
32:46I bless you
32:47In the name of the Father
32:49The Son
32:49And the Holy
32:51Holy
32:53The Holy
32:54Holy shit
32:54No
32:56Oh no
32:59Hey
33:03Hey man
33:05Have a good one
33:12You guys want any change?
33:20Kate we're going to get this plane landed safely
33:25I love this song
33:39Oh you know
33:40That's definitely safe to use
33:41Mr Baldwin
33:50Okay
33:51So
33:51I'm stuck behind a wall
33:53I can't find the door
33:55I eventually find the door
33:57Oh sorry
34:04I certainly hope you remember
34:06How to do your job
34:07And enjoy 2026
34:08Far too many floaters
34:10Washing up on the beach right now
34:11Time to traipse all the sand
34:12Into our cars
34:13And head home to the desk
34:14Play the steel drums
34:16Great topic
34:27Great game of Club Topicana
34:28For points
34:29Skidding a bit of somber
34:30I'm going to salute the celebrity departed
34:32Team one
34:33You can have the age of Robert Duvall
34:34Star of Apocalypse Now
34:35And The Godfather
34:36When he passed away on Monday
34:3795
34:38And team two
34:39You get the age of Dawson's Creek star
34:40James Van Der Beek
34:41When he passed away last week
34:4248
34:43Which means that team one
34:44Gets a shiny star
34:45For their star chart
34:46Woo
34:49Time for a break now
34:50But glue yourselves to your seats
34:52Because after the break
34:53We're playing a brand new game
34:54Called Jeremy's Special Game
34:56You do not want to miss it
34:57See you soon for seven days
35:06Welcome back
35:07One and all to seven days
35:08Time now for a new segment
35:10Very excited about this
35:11It's called Jeremy's Special Game
35:13Where I, Jeremy
35:14Present a new game
35:15I've come up with
35:16Which is why I think
35:17It's special of course
35:17This week we are playing
35:19Come on, feel the news
35:20Or come on, feel the news
35:22For Slade fans
35:24Here teams must slide
35:25Their grubby little hands
35:26Into my rigid box
35:27And have a thorough feel
35:28Of its innards
35:28Insider objects
35:30Hinting toward a news story
35:31Team one
35:32You are the first guinea pigs
35:33Put your hands in the box
35:35Have a feel
35:36Okay
35:37That's good
35:38Put your hands in the box
35:40Have a bit of a feel around
35:43I can put my hand in a box
35:45Oh no
35:47Oh no
35:48Oh no
35:49It's his hand
35:50But it's quite scary
35:51Um I just felt
35:53A virgin
35:53What?
36:02Correct
36:03Not part of the story
36:04Rees
36:04Not part of the story
36:05I'll help you out there
36:06What are you getting there
36:07Brinley?
36:08An egg
36:08With a toothpick in it
36:09I haven't touched anything
36:10It's grass
36:11Grass
36:12That's an egg cup
36:13Egg cup and grass
36:14Grass
36:14Pull it out of the hole
36:15What's that?
36:15Is that something?
36:16Is that something
36:17Is that a jersey
36:18Or a jumper
36:19Jersey
36:20Grass
36:21Rugby
36:22Rugby
36:22Jersey
36:23Grass
36:23Leg
36:24And egg cup
36:25What's the egg?
36:26I found a leg
36:27Is it egg and spoon racing?
36:29Egg
36:29It's not egg and spoon racing
36:30Why would it be that?
36:31It's crowning
36:32Sorry
36:36This is like the guy
36:37Running towards you
36:37With the knife
36:39He's
36:40I think I know
36:41I think I know
36:41This is the umbrella
36:43And the egg cup
36:44Is Christopher Luxon's
36:46Baldest f*** head
36:47And this is the
36:48Umbrella man
36:49What?
36:50Umbrella
36:51At the rugby
36:51I don't know what the rugby thing is
36:53But it's at the rugby
36:55And Christopher Luxon
36:56Put the
36:56Umbrella
36:57Stop
36:58Over
36:59The man
37:00With the fluffy
37:01There's a cat
37:01Here
37:01Yeah
37:02A cat
37:03You're right about
37:03Everything
37:04Except the story
37:08Australia
37:09Correct
37:10That's a big part of it
37:11Can we go on each other's hold?
37:12Di's getting very excited
37:13About the story
37:14Yeah it's obviously
37:15None of you are religious
37:16You're literally
37:18Jesus' cloak's in there man
37:20Oh okay
37:21So it's the warriors
37:21Oh no
37:22It's not
37:25It's not
37:25You
37:26My second Jesus
37:27You need to
37:28You need to go back
37:29More towards the Australian thing
37:30Sorry
37:31Down the edge
37:31That was on the edge
37:32Okay
37:32Christopher Luxon
37:33Was at a rugby game
37:34In Australia
37:35It was the All Blacks
37:37Who were playing
37:38And he held an umbrella
37:39Over a man
37:41Oh god
37:41And um
37:42And that man
37:43Turned out to be
37:44Geoffrey Epstein
37:47That would be a news story
37:49As you can hear
37:50From Di's groans
37:51You are wrong
37:51Prime Minister
37:52Christopher Luxon
37:53Gallantly held an umbrella
37:54Over NRL commissioner
37:56Dr Gary Weiss
37:57As he announced
37:58Eden Park
37:59Will host
37:59It's first ever
38:00State of origin match
38:02New Zealand government
38:03Reportedly paid
38:04Five million dollars
38:05For the privilege
38:06For that event
38:07When asked where the money
38:07Came from
38:08Prime Minister said
38:09It's amazing what you can afford
38:10When you feed school kids
38:11Cat food
38:12So
38:14Alright well Jeremy's special game
38:16Already a bit of a success
38:17I have quietly repositioned
38:20The mystery box
38:21To team two
38:22It is your turn now
38:22Team two
38:23If you'd like to put your hands
38:24In there
38:25And tell me what story
38:26I have made
38:27Okay
38:28With my objet
38:29No mucking around
38:30This is like uni
38:31Oh right
38:33Oh gee
38:34Hey she's
38:35Okay there's something
38:35Oh sorry
38:36Is this bread
38:37Yeah you're holding something
38:38No that's a baguette
38:40I hate it
38:40Hey that's it
38:41It's a wet baguette
38:42That's
38:45Day old baguette
38:46Made by
38:46I'm just wet
38:47I just got wet
38:48A West Auckland baker
38:50I reckon
38:50What's this
38:51What else you got in there
38:52What's this
38:53Oh what's that
38:54We can't tell you
38:55Oh die take this out for me
38:56What is it
38:57Baguette
38:57Water
38:58Oh gee what is that
38:59What is it
39:00This feels like a soapy shiv
39:02Might be something
39:03That goes in the water
39:04Do you know what this feels like
39:05There's two of them
39:06Oh this feels like
39:07Hold on I'm twiddling the ends
39:08On this one
39:09Me too
39:09You know what I feel like
39:10Oh this is a boat
39:11Yeah it's a boat
39:12Oh well done
39:13It's a boat
39:14A French boat
39:15Oh yes
39:16It's a French baguette
39:17Water
39:18Boat
39:18Crash them together guys
39:19Crash them together
39:20Water boat
39:21And this is a
39:23This is a
39:23Three week old
39:24Sistema
39:27Not relevant
39:28Not relevant
39:30To the story
39:31It's an America's Cup
39:32Some shit
39:33Is your boat crash in France
39:34Yeah there's
39:35The America's Cup
39:36There's another clue in there
39:37I think
39:38There's more stuff
39:38That you haven't dealt yet
39:39Towards the back
39:40Of the box
39:41Towards your side
39:41I'm just getting
39:42Fingers in wet
39:43There we go
39:44Here die
39:44Hold on
39:45What's that
39:46That's me
39:47That's my head
39:48Oh that's Abby
39:50Not relevant
39:51To the story
39:51Oh it's not
39:52Crate paper
39:53No it's tinfoil
39:54Who's familiar with it
39:55A foil
39:55Is that like a yacht foil
39:56Yeah I've interned
39:58At Black Power before
39:58This is a tinny
40:04A foil is a thing
40:05On a boat
40:05Yeah the foils
40:06On the boat
40:07You know
40:07Get up on the foils mate
40:08What are you doing
40:09No because they do
40:10Get up on the foils mate
40:12Okay I'm getting
40:13Really
40:13I mean
40:14You've got all the pieces
40:15Put it together
40:16Boat night
40:16Foil
40:17Foil
40:17America's Cup
40:18Maybe
40:18Yeah French
40:20Rainbow warrior
40:21Did that happen recently
40:24What you're doing
40:25At the moment
40:25Is called
40:25Doing an anset
40:27La Francae
40:28Remember they don't
40:29Know my name
40:32Doing a jack
40:34Okay
40:35Hey Jack
40:36When did you get here
40:40Good to see you bro
40:46Give me a story die
40:48The next America's Cup
40:49Is being held in France
40:51Oh my god
40:53Incorrect
40:54I'll give you the real answer
40:55Drama on the high seas
40:56As you all know
40:57The New Zealand
40:57Black foils
40:58The name of the boat
40:59Were forced out of the
41:00Auckland Sail GP
41:00After a high speed collision
41:02With the French boat
41:03Black foils
41:04Have had to switch
41:05To their backup option
41:06Which is
41:06Lisa Carrington
41:07In a canoe
41:09All right
41:10Team one
41:11For points
41:12Team one
41:12You can get the height
41:13Supreme Halberg award
41:14Win Hamish Kirk
41:15And jump
41:152.36 metres
41:17Pretty high
41:18Team two
41:19You can have the height
41:20Of two die hemwards
41:21On top of each other
41:223.3 metres
41:23Hamish couldn't jump
41:24Use
41:25Team two wins
41:26And gets a star
41:27Well done
41:28Oh no you're right
41:31Great game of
41:33Feel the news
41:33For the first and last time
41:35You've seen that fantastic game
41:37Guess the insides
41:38Of my box
41:39I've got a few other
41:40Special games
41:41I'd like to introduce you to
41:42This season
41:42In 2026
41:43I can't wait
41:44But it's time now
41:46For you at home
41:46To get your brains
41:47Into gear
41:48For your turn
41:48At the Burger Fuel
41:49Brain Grill
41:50What is going on
41:51In this image
41:52It is from 1995
41:5330 years ago
41:55When Burger Fuel
41:55First started
41:56All right
41:57Hit us up on Instagram
41:58Or Facebook
41:59With your crack up answer
42:00You could be taking home
42:01Dinner thanks to Burger Fuel
42:03All right
42:03Break time now
42:04When we come back
42:05We are going to crown
42:05One of these teams
42:06The inaugural winner
42:07For 2026
42:08With Beat the Ding
42:09See you soon
42:19Oh welcome back
42:21For those of you
42:22Who have just joined us
42:23Where the hell have you been
42:24We're about to play
42:25Our last game
42:25You missed the bloody
42:26Jeremy special
42:27Guess what's in my box
42:28Oh it doesn't matter
42:29I'm going to play
42:30Beat the Ding now
42:31Where I put these comedians
42:32To the test
42:32I make them list answers
42:34Before I go to town
42:35On my dinger
42:37Every successful dingy
42:38Earns their team
42:39A potentially game winning star
42:41All right
42:41Let's get dinging
42:43Here we go
42:43Former American President
42:45Barack Obama
42:46Said aliens exist
42:47On a podcast this week
42:49I agree
42:50About time
42:50Abby
42:51You've got 13 seconds
42:52To name five American presidents
42:54In an alien voice
42:55Andrew Jackson
42:59George Washington
43:00Beatball
43:03F. Scott Fitzgerald
43:05I mean
43:06I mean
43:07Baker and Roosevelt
43:08And also
43:11Obama
43:12And Ronald Reagan
43:14That'll do
43:15That'll do it
43:16Yeah well done
43:16A star for you
43:17Well done Abby
43:19Some Milo bars
43:21Have been recalled
43:22After concerns
43:22The product may contain
43:23Pieces of rubber
43:24Not good
43:25Rhys
43:2610 seconds
43:26To tell me
43:27In order
43:27The definitive ranking
43:28Of the top five
43:29Chocolate bars
43:30In the world
43:30Go
43:31Oh okay
43:32Number one
43:33With a bullet
43:34Snickers
43:34Number two
43:36I'm going to go
43:37Luxury flake
43:38Number three
43:39Whittaker's peanut slab
43:41Number four
43:42Anything caramello
43:46And number five
43:47Kit Kat
43:47Well done
43:50Five of them
43:50Star for Ricks
43:51Give them a round of applause
43:52For Ricks
43:53Alright
43:54These guys are making it look easy
43:56It is not easy
43:57It is however
43:58Chinese New Year
43:59The start of the year of the horse
44:00Die
44:00You have nine seconds
44:01To make up five horse names
44:03Whilst commentating
44:05A horse race
44:06Go
44:06Coming around the corner
44:07You've got Rumpel Foreskin
44:08And you've got
44:09You've got
44:10Hoppaw on the back
44:11With the two ladies
44:13Gone fat
44:13And you've got
44:14Around the corner
44:15With the
44:15Fum Fum Bam Bam
44:17And you've got
44:18Shiniqua
44:18Tinso
44:19And Badang Dang
44:20Badang Dang
44:21Coming on your back
44:25Shiniqua
44:26What's so
44:26It's in English
44:27Badang Dang
44:30Shiniqua
44:30Shiniqua
44:31Shiniqua
44:32Tinso
44:32And Badang Dang
44:33That's the trifecta
44:35I believe
44:36That's so good
44:37Well done
44:38Well done
44:38Die stuff
44:40The flamethrower
44:41And the ring burner
44:42Back on the menu
44:43At Burger Fuel
44:43Watch out for the
44:44Battle of the Burn
44:44It's coming soon
44:45Brinley
44:45Give you 14 seconds
44:47That's a lot
44:47To name five spicy things
44:49Whilst your mouth
44:50Is burning
44:51Go
44:51Chili
44:54Jalapenos
44:55Fire
44:56The pits of hell
44:58And
45:00STI
45:05The pits of hell
45:06And an STI
45:07Well
45:08Alright
45:09Star for you
45:10Well done
45:10Brinley
45:10It is
45:11Kaka Po
45:11Mating season
45:12Jazzy
45:1212 seconds
45:13To give me
45:14Three pick up lines
45:15For Kaka Po
45:17Call the Kaka
45:18Police
45:19Because I'm too
45:20Hot
45:21I'm small
45:22And fat
45:22And green
45:22Love me
45:23I'll rip your
45:24F***ing
45:25Windskin
45:25Rippers
45:26Off
45:26But you'll
45:26Love it
45:33And that is
45:34Why they're not
45:34Good at breeding
45:35I think
45:36It's great
45:37We're going to
45:37Give you that
45:38Well done
45:38Star for
45:39Jazzy
45:39A new trend
45:41Has emerged
45:41This week
45:41Dark
45:42Showering
45:43It is
45:43As it sounds
45:44Showering in the dark
45:45Apparently helps you
45:46To get to sleep
45:47Jack
45:4715 seconds
45:48To shut your eyes
45:49And take us through
45:50Your shower routine
45:51Please
45:52Go
45:52That is personal
45:54Information
45:55I start with the balls
45:59I lather my whole body
46:01In the wash
46:02And I use
46:03A Lynx branded
46:05One called
46:06Xbox
46:07Lift Your Game
46:08And I get in all
46:09The nooks and crannies
46:10And then I just
46:11Stand there
46:12And drip
46:12Because I apparently
46:13Get too much water
46:14On the shower mat
46:15So I just sort of
46:19That's good
46:19You're getting yourself
46:20A star
46:20Well done
46:24Alright
46:24That is us
46:25All that's left to do
46:25Is award our winner
46:26Let's have a look
46:27At the star chart
46:28Boy oh boy
46:28Taking home
46:29The relic
46:29That leaning tower
46:30Of pizza
46:30Hopefully you're not
46:31Announcing they've been
46:32Cheating on their partner
46:33At the same time
46:33Team Toe
46:34Well done
46:37Well done to you
46:40For watching
46:41And now please join me
46:42In thanking
46:42Reece, Jack, Brinley
46:44Di, Abby
46:45And Jazzy
46:46We'll see you in seven days
46:47On seven days
46:47Good night
47:01Thanks New Zealand
47:02On air
47:02Especially for funding
47:03My new segment
47:04Jeremy's special game
47:05Time for me to head home
47:06And play Jeremy's other
47:08Special game
47:09Oh
47:09Oh
47:09Oh
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