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Clarksons Farm S05E05 englishsub fullmovie🌸🍿
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00:23with spring upon us we had to prepare for a couple of important events on the
00:28diddly-squat social calendar because both the cows and the easy-care sheep would soon be giving birth
00:45elsewhere our new alarm clocks were settling in nicely
00:51and the ag bot's presbyterian work ethic meant farmering was going on day and night
00:59here's the important thing to remember caleb right now tucked up in bed not willing to work
01:17in fact the ag bot had inspired me to upgrade my office
01:23so that's your office yeah still very much in the farming world but this is now a very advanced
01:31farm technological farm and i needed an office to reflect that
01:38here it is mission control holy moly the old barn clear that well i basically throw lisa out of it
01:47because she was using it as a storage for the shop cold winter's evenings we light a fire
01:54when we sit there on the two pound three-piece suite okay this is for important business meetings
02:03okay the filing cabinets are there big award but this is all these pull up a chair i'll talk you
02:12through it crows are a bit weird but crows are great it's the word you're looking for but here we
02:20go
02:20what we've got here is a total map of the farm yeah that just shows a picture of a rabbit
02:27definitely a rabbit but he's even got two ears somehow so this is 6 000 images from the drone
02:36look at the picture on that i know look at that bit you missed there there's the farm shop
02:40look at the bit you missed there look the drilling who's you you you did drill that
02:46oh i did drill that yeah yeah did i miss all that yeah have i done that you went out
02:51of seed
02:51and that oh my god i have i missed all that
02:57fuck shit we shouldn't show you this so that's all there right that is our farm now we move on
03:04to the
03:04ag bot so this is the field it's currently doing there it is then and it's presently here
03:10it is you can actually see the line it's on and putting the cultivator down
03:18look at your face
03:21okay can you just push the up and down arrow simultaneously
03:27now oh wow
03:31how far we going with it oh you're gonna hit the crow
03:34oh that'll do so now we can operate if you stand up when shit gets serious when shit gets serious
03:42we can just come and go i think this is a standing up operation lean over
03:47now look at this i've got a dashboard for the ag bot here
03:52oh engine speed 2000
03:54engine percent load at current speed 67 percent
03:58ad blue tank level 95 percent
04:00engine oil level
04:01yep
04:0182
04:0282 millimeters now i don't know whether that's good or not
04:05and then just drop down here so you just move
04:07front camera full screen there we are
04:10that's live tv coming from the front of the ag bot
04:14how cool is that look there goes the red kites look dive bombing it
04:19they're loving it because there's no new farmer in it
04:20i normally open the door beat the horn to scare them off
04:22now the other thing is each pixel is two centimeters
04:26so it's phenomenally detailed and while i was buggering them out the other day
04:31something i've noticed
04:35there that we have had a visitation
04:38from a fly tipper
04:39from a fucking fly tipper
04:41you would chuck a what is it a fridge
04:43i don't know
04:44it's a white good
04:45who would put that there
04:47out of all the places where you
04:49well we've got to go get that back
04:51and since
04:51hello you too
04:52hello mate
04:53welcome to mission control
04:56oh
04:58it's a grand they come up to now
04:59there it is going along
05:01yeah
05:03yeah
05:04these things never take over a man
05:07am i not a five minute boy that you can just take him his tea and his sandwiches out
05:11on the other hands
05:12i'd jump straight out of the bath and go out with no clothes on
05:15yeah
05:16so you're not sold on this gerald
05:19well nobody ever knows where there's ever and there's hardly nothing
05:23i can't remember what year it was
05:25but the only story with that is
05:27it just comes all keeps going over the same piece and they're coming up the top
05:31and not great in my garden planting seeds with no pants on
05:35yeah
05:36to get me perfect you know
05:38after gerald had dispensed his wisdom
05:43he went off to do a bit of tidying up
05:49because i've got the ad bot which can cultivate all by itself i'm free to do this kind of job
05:56clearing up the mess
05:58left by filthy filthy riffraff
06:03fucking fly tippers honestly
06:12i'd love to be in the mind of the people who thought
06:15we need to get rid of this fridge we'll mob it through this hedge
06:18do they not realize how much annoyance and effort and expense is needed
06:24to clear the bloody thing up again
06:28the ag bot had also created time for us to do some jobs in the woods
06:36and a big one was clearing up all the trees that had been blown over by storm dara
06:42and because the green lambo was off games with yet another technical fault
06:49i had to fire up the goat
06:54oh the jerky gear changes
06:57the complete lack of breaking it's like being back at home
07:09god it's there's more than i remember
07:11it's one two three four five six seven eight nine
07:18so there's ten from just where i'm standing here
07:22to deal with the problem i'd hired a meaty winch
07:26so this is like a this is the anchor
07:28yeah
07:30stop
07:30lower
07:33with the ground anchor lowered and the tree shackled
07:37this is gonna feel good
07:38ready?
07:39go for it
07:39we winced and dragged the first tree out of the woods
07:45yes
07:47powerful lambo
07:53yep
07:54on to the next
07:59the work was especially satisfying
08:02ha ha ha ha
08:04because caleb and i were working as a team
08:08until we weren't
08:10there's one tree
08:12stuck between two so it's fell down between two
08:14if we pull it it's gonna probably
08:16lock up
08:17right here's my plan
08:18get the winch
08:19round that tree
08:21yeah
08:22and attach it to the top
08:24that won't work
08:25well it will
08:26no it'll just pull the tree that way
08:27yes that's what i want
08:28no i don't want to do that
08:29no i do because then
08:30i don't
08:30no please be quiet
08:32no no hear me out
08:33come round this one
08:34around like that
08:35back around
08:36onto the
08:37right at the beginning of the trunk
08:38yeah
08:39yeah
08:39as you pull it should technically pull the tree like this
08:42and then we stop when we get to here
08:44use that tree there
08:45my way is easier
08:47no it's not
08:47as we were arguing the voice of reason arrived
08:51how are you
08:52how's it going
08:53quickly charlie do you think this is going to work
08:55what
08:56the logic of his thinking
08:57well i don't know what he's thinking
08:59so you're going to pull this around
09:01to the light end
09:02yes
09:02very close to it
09:03now it won't work
09:05it's going to get jammed on that tree and that tree
09:07and you're going to have a
09:07why don't you just cut it
09:09no i changed it for the week
09:11what
09:12well we've got the power
09:13the chainsaws of the week
09:15yeah
09:15i'll just stand out the way
09:18it won't work
09:20it will
09:20it won't
09:22okay
09:22we're going to do it
09:23and then if it doesn't work
09:24i've failed
09:26give me strength
09:29ready
09:29yeah
09:37that's going up
09:38i didn't do that
09:41what are you doing
09:42i'm not doing that
09:46what the fuck's it doing
09:49okay then why's it doing that
09:51i don't know
09:52press the stop button
09:58okay then
09:59press down now
10:00just press down once
10:01what
10:02press down once
10:03just press down
10:05no
10:06oh
10:07for fuck's sake
10:09after caleb
10:10had manually lowered the anchor
10:15useless
10:15i initiated
10:17my tree hauling plan
10:19ready
10:23just going to pivot round
10:24exactly as i planned
10:26exactly as i planned
10:30exactly as i planned
10:32he's going to be happy with that
10:34isn't he
10:36he's got to turn up now and say
10:38well done jeremy
10:39your plan works
10:41slack it off
10:44nothing
10:44so far nothing
10:46dry
10:48he's not going to admit that my plan works
10:50yes
10:52but i know it did
10:53i know it did
10:54i know it did
10:55i'm going to go see
10:56because i'm going
10:56my plan works
10:58i'm not going to lift this down for a long time am i
11:02sadly
11:02sadly there was no time to enjoy being right
11:05because lisa summoned me back to the farmyard
11:10she said there was a problem
11:12it was too quiet
11:19what
11:19can you hear anything
11:21no
11:24you can't hear
11:25they're not in here are they
11:26i don't know
11:27i'm going to go back here
11:36oh shit
11:38what
11:40guinea-fowl feathers
11:44oh no
11:47oh flip
11:51oh and another one
11:52oh for god's sake
11:56that's a fox isn't it
11:57just killing for fun
11:58yep
12:00how am i going to explain this
12:02granddaughter coming for the weekend
12:03can i go and see the guinea-fowl
12:05uh
12:06do you have any papers
12:06but no the good thing is
12:07we can indoctrinate her from an early age
12:09to not be trapped into that london way of thinking
12:11that foxes are sweet
12:13oh i saw a fox in wandsworth and he was so sweet
12:17no he wasn't
12:18he's a murdering bastard
12:21jeremy
12:21jeremy
12:22good news there
12:24oh one of them's
12:25one of them survived
12:26fuck that
12:27well done
12:29you can stay up there
12:31it's safe
12:32poor thing
12:33seeing his old brothers and sisters being massacred
12:40fortunately later that day
12:42there was just the job to cheer us up
12:44are any of them
12:46bagging up
12:47i think there's a couple
12:48with the cows about to give birth
12:51we needed to turn the barn into a maternity ward
12:55so lizzie the goat farmer was coming along to help us move these horned lawn mowers out into the fields
13:02afternoon all
13:03lizzie
13:04hi lizzie
13:05hello lizzie
13:06how are you
13:06what's occurring
13:07moving them
13:08the easiest way would be to use a trailer
13:11but as it was such a lovely spring afternoon i decided to go old school
13:18so they're going into a field called hollow back which is not very far away so you should be able
13:22to walk them down
13:23sorry what did you just say there
13:25walk them down
13:26it's just there
13:27what could possibly go wrong
13:29nothing honestly
13:31now here's what we're going to do
13:33alright
13:33we're going to move you into a field called hollow back
13:36which is full of lovely tasty juicy grass and you will be very happy in there
13:41so you are going to be the leader
13:42okay
13:43i wonder what the goat's thinking
13:45he's thinking what is that muppet saying to me
13:52there you go
13:54come on
13:55who said we needed a trailer
13:59hey
14:00what are you doing
14:00go that way
14:02come on
14:04come on
14:04come on
14:06come on
14:07come on
14:09that way
14:10can we not climb up there please
14:12all of you stop this
14:14going to stop this nonsense
14:15no no no
14:16no no no no
14:16go on
14:18oh fuck
14:18go on
14:20Come on!
14:20Come on!
14:21Get off!
14:22This isn't working.
14:24This is your fault!
14:26Oi!
14:28Listen to this.
14:29Tasty snack.
14:31I think what's happening here is they're dining on steak,
14:33and I'm offering them kale.
14:37Once they'd finished their buffet, though...
14:40Go on, off you get, go, go, go!
14:41...we got them headed in the right direction.
14:44Come on.
14:46Come on, you.
14:46You're in charge.
14:47I put you in charge.
14:48Keep going!
14:49Keep going!
14:49Keep going!
14:50Come on!
14:52Oh, look, now the sheep want to run, too.
14:56Hello, sheeps!
14:57That's quite a picture now, isn't it?
14:59Isn't that?
15:01I love the fact that he's got his ag-bot,
15:03and then he's moving goats like this.
15:05Yeah.
15:06Come on, goats!
15:09Come on!
15:10Come on!
15:10Get off!
15:11Come on!
15:11Come on!
15:12Come on!
15:13I mean, look at that size.
15:16Come on.
15:17On the night like tonight,
15:19farming is the best job in the world.
15:25Yes!
15:27Yes!
15:28Why did I waste my life driving around corners shouting?
15:34Oh, no, I remember.
15:35I wouldn't have been able to afford to do this.
15:38That's what it is.
15:39Fair voice!
15:40Come along!
15:40After the most delightful journey, we got the goats to their new field.
15:46That's done.
15:47Are they all in, then?
15:48Yes, I think so.
15:49Just like that.
15:51Well...
15:51A work of art, that was.
15:53Well, that was heavenly.
15:55The rural Lord Sugar, however, thought the whole thing was a bit of an indulgence.
16:01I thought we were kind of cut down the animals on the farm.
16:04We are cutting the animals.
16:05To streamline the farm.
16:05We are.
16:06How are we?
16:07Pigs.
16:08Yeah.
16:08Okay.
16:08Right.
16:09Sheeps, eventually.
16:10And what about these?
16:11No.
16:12Why?
16:13Mainly the film crew.
16:14Well, do you actually want them here?
16:16We'll have a vote, film crew.
16:18Who wants the goats to stay?
16:20What?
16:22They're part of the crew.
16:23They're part of the crew.
16:25No, they absolutely love the goats.
16:28Yeah.
16:30Look at those two.
16:33Hey.
16:33That's like a Cadbury's Flake advert.
16:36Anyone remember that?
16:38They just used to get very, very good-looking girls to wander through a poppy field or a wheat field
16:46in lacy dresses eating a Cadbury's Flake.
16:50One of whom, I think, married Roger Taylor, the drummer and queen.
16:54I have no idea what you're on about.
16:56Did you know?
16:57Oh.
16:58I don't know what you're going on about.
17:00I just nod now.
17:05The following morning, I started the day by checking in on our one remaining guinea fowl.
17:15Hello, guinea fowl.
17:17Hello.
17:21Oh, no.
17:24For fuck's sake, this is just beyond belief.
17:31It's just bitten its head off.
17:33It hasn't even eaten it.
17:41He's had the lot.
17:45There was, though, only time to seethe, not mourn.
17:51Because today was a big day on the Agbot front.
17:59It had finished cultivating all the fields and would now be charged with the most important job of them all.
18:06planting the seeds.
18:09Yes!
18:12We have begun.
18:13We are drilling the lager.
18:15And we're drilling it into well-prepared, well-fertilized fields on time.
18:23One Swede finished hooking up the drill.
18:26That's like this side lined up.
18:29Yeah?
18:31The Agbot eagerly set off with the Luddite, as ever, full of praise for it.
18:37Look, it's not drilling now. Look, not drilling, not drilling, not drilling, not drilling, not drilling.
18:41Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
18:43That's all a mix.
18:45No.
18:45Yes.
18:45That is all a mix.
18:47Just there is a mix.
18:47It comes on when it's ready.
18:49No, that's all a mix.
18:50Just here will not grow anything.
18:53Yes.
18:54It starts blowing it out when it's ready.
18:57Yeah.
18:57It will lower the thing, turn the fan on, then start when it wants to.
19:02That.
19:02And it's not supposed to.
19:04That's a drill miss.
19:04It is.
19:04It'll come back over it.
19:07Oh, God, it did the other day.
19:10Despite Caleb's relentless negativity, my machine set about this new task with its usual precision.
19:18And there he goes, inch perfect again.
19:22There was one drawback with the Agbot, though.
19:25It's not allowed on the public highway.
19:28So when it needed to get from one field to another across a road, I suspected life would be a
19:35massive faff.
19:37Where are you going now?
19:39I'm going to do Arlo's.
19:40How are you going to get down there, then?
19:42Ah.
19:43Well, I'm going to take the drill off, attach it to the Lambo, drive the Lambo down there,
19:52drop the drill off in the field, bring the Lambo back to the yard, attach it to the trailer,
19:58put the Agbot on the trailer, drive that down to Arlo's, take the Agbot off the trailer, and reattach it
20:05to the drill.
20:08That's...
20:09By the time you've done all of that, I could have completed the whole farm drilling.
20:12Yes, I know.
20:12That's why there's probably another 30 other farms.
20:16Caleb had a point.
20:17My plan would be incredibly time-consuming.
20:21And, as we're on TV, I couldn't just ignore the law.
20:25So I came up with a rather clever solution.
20:29Watch this. Ready?
20:31With this simple black cloth.
20:36Right. Now.
20:50Ta-da!
20:52So there we are. Just this... I don't know where these time-marks have come from. It's a mystery.
20:58But there we are. Onwards.
21:04Back in the world of animal farming, things were starting to happen in the cow barn.
21:12With one of the moocall alarms alerting me that a calf was on its way.
21:23Right.
21:27It's out already!
21:30Lisa! It's out! It's here! We have a calf!
21:34Oh, come on, quick!
21:35I mean, they get a call from the moocall saying birth imminent.
21:38It doesn't say birth has happened.
21:41Look!
21:43Endgame's first child.
21:47She's eating the placenta and doing everything properly.
21:50Oh, yeah.
21:51That's just so cool.
21:54That's a very handsome face.
21:56Beautiful.
21:57I love the way that it affects the others.
21:59Yeah.
22:00You're coming in.
22:00Look, that's rather sweet.
22:05The first calf had been born at a civilized hour.
22:10The next one, however...
22:19New call went off at 3.15.
22:23It's now...
22:24...ten to five.
22:28Nothing.
22:29Welcome to the world of the beef farmer.
22:32I'm not sure there's a whole lot I can do.
22:34You're gonna have to start the pushing at this stage.
22:40Oh, she doesn't know where she wants to be, does she?
22:44Doesn't know whether you want to be standing up or lying down.
22:47Come on.
22:49Come on.
22:50Push.
22:51Push.
22:54There's a foot.
22:57Yeah, she has given birth so far to a balloon and a hoof.
23:03Come on.
23:06Definitely two feet.
23:09And...
23:11Back in again.
23:13Oh.
23:16Ah.
23:26And there's the dawn chorus.
23:28Mm-mm.
23:33Eventually, a mere two hours and 45 minutes after the moocall had gone off...
23:41The alien is coming.
23:43Oh, come on.
23:44Big push.
23:45Big push.
23:47There's a nose.
23:49Ooh, an eye.
23:51Ooh, an owl head.
23:53A head.
23:55An ear.
23:57A neck.
24:00Yes.
24:01Come on.
24:04And...
24:07Come on.
24:07Push, push, push.
24:08Back.
24:09Just the hips.
24:10Come on, push.
24:12There we go.
24:14Yeah, I don't need you, my dear.
24:16Come on.
24:17Get some straw in there.
24:19Come on.
24:20Let's have some breathing.
24:21There we go.
24:22Come on.
24:24Yes.
24:28That looks like a great little calf.
24:33Already trying to walk.
24:34Look.
24:36Oh.
24:37It's a joy.
24:40Mr. Night Sleep.
24:41And yet, when you see that happen, it's worth it.
24:46It's worth it.
24:49It's worth it.
24:50It's worth it.
24:53After this completely perfect start to the day, I went over to see the Swiss Army knife,
25:01which now had a new attachment, and was using it to roll the field.
25:09There he goes.
25:11Where we would be growing onions and beetroots.
25:15And to plant those, we'd need another new machine.
25:20And now, I'm gonna blow your mind with the farm droid.
25:26Caleb?
25:31This was the other bit of kit that had caught my eye at the Lama exhibition back in January.
25:39A solar-powered onion planter.
25:42Oh, it's another robot.
25:44Oh, yeah.
25:45I thought it was actually going on the back of the ag bot.
25:47No.
25:48This now trundles along.
25:50We pull it with seed, and he plants all the onions for us.
25:54This is completely electric, and that's the solar panel.
25:57What if the sun went in?
25:58Well, it's got batteries, so it stores some of the electrical power.
26:01Is it electric?
26:02That's how solar power works.
26:04Is that electric?
26:05I don't know why I thought that was an electric fence.
26:07It does look it, doesn't it?
26:09If you touch that, it'll stop him.
26:11Rasmus, the man who'd first shown me the farm droid, then came over to explain how it works.
26:17It's all by GPS, yeah?
26:19So it'd remember exactly where it planned each onion.
26:21So this is the field, let's just say.
26:23Yeah, yeah, yeah.
26:23And it puts an onion in here?
26:25Yeah.
26:25And then how long?
26:26We put it into 15 centimetres.
26:28OK, 15 centimetres, and then it remembers?
26:30Yeah, yeah.
26:31And then places it every 15 centimetres?
26:33Yeah.
26:33So it's extremely precise?
26:35Yeah.
26:36So how many onions is it going to plant in here?
26:38600,000.
26:40600,000 onions?
26:41Wow.
26:42How far does it go?
26:44Maximum 1km.
26:45Oh.
26:46About the same speed as me.
26:47Hold on, if it only does one kilometre an hour, and you've got a hare and a tortoise...
26:52But that's only...
26:52Is the one kilometre the hare or the tortoise?
26:55That's the hare.
26:57It is a slow-driving machine, so it will drive into the night tonight.
27:00And then after we've done the seeding, we convert this machine into weeding.
27:04Which means that this machine is also doing the weeding part of it.
27:07Oh, so it just digs...
27:08It just digs up the weeds?
27:09Yeah, yeah.
27:10And leaves the onions?
27:10Just killing the smaller weeds.
27:12Does it have cameras on it?
27:13Yeah, yeah, yeah.
27:14I'll just give you access to the app to this one.
27:16Then you can just sit home.
27:17Oh, man, I've got the Agbot cameras and disc cameras.
27:20Yeah, yeah, yeah.
27:21That's what Lisa said the other day.
27:22I was sitting looking at the cameras from there.
27:24She went, why can't you watch Pornhub like a normal man,
27:28instead of sitting watching your Agbot going up and down?
27:31Oh, Chris, I'm going to have both of them.
27:32I can't wait.
27:33Can we get it going?
27:34Yeah, we can.
27:35One Swede filled the hoppers with onion seeds.
27:39Who knew that onion seeds looked like that?
27:41They're like miniature song thrush eggs.
27:44I drove the farm droid into the field.
27:48It's a weird-looking thing, actually, when you get into the field.
27:50It's going to be, honestly, when you've got the Agbot and this,
27:52working the same field.
27:54I think, actually, it's the first time in the world
27:57that we have both an Agbot bed and a farm,
28:00but in the same field.
28:01That's incredible.
28:04Right, we're certainly in the field now.
28:06Yeah.
28:06Press auto.
28:07That one.
28:08Yeah.
28:09Calculating route.
28:10Yeah.
28:11And just press the green one.
28:14And now it's just probably calibrating itself.
28:18So it's just hunting now for its start point.
28:21Yeah.
28:21Same as the Agbot does.
28:22Yeah.
28:22So now it's half the start point.
28:26Oh, look.
28:27And he's putting it down.
28:28Yeah.
28:30And we're off.
28:31Yeah.
28:34And you can hear the small clicks.
28:36That's the seed.
28:37It's one of those clicks.
28:38Yeah, yeah.
28:39So that's the seed going in.
28:40Yeah.
28:41Fucking hell.
28:42Honestly.
28:42That is unbelievable.
28:44You can actually hear it working.
28:48I know.
28:52Money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money.
28:55It's really quite cool.
28:57Where are the onions at?
28:59So do we check on them?
29:01See, now we would like to go and check.
29:03What seed depth do we need?
29:05Charlie mentioned around three centimeter.
29:07Three?
29:09Due to the moisture.
29:11Look, look, look.
29:12You got one?
29:12Yes, look.
29:13There's an onion in the field.
29:15He's putting an onion in my field.
29:18And then look.
29:18Then we should have 15 centimeters.
29:19No, no, wait, wait.
29:20No, no.
29:21If that's true, that's incredible.
29:23So 15 centimeters.
29:25Where's 15?
29:26There.
29:28Holy shit.
29:29That's unbelievable.
29:30And away it goes.
29:34You're actually impressed with that.
29:36Yeah, I am impressed with that.
29:44It had been a long night and day,
29:47but before knocking it on the head,
29:50I had to meet Lisa and George, her snail supplier.
29:54You know, they're already inside.
29:57Yeah.
29:57Because the snails had started laying eggs.
30:01See?
30:04Bingo.
30:05Here you are.
30:06Oh, wow.
30:09These are your first snail children.
30:12Oh, wow.
30:13They're all snail legs, are they?
30:15Yes.
30:15Okay.
30:16What do you do with this?
30:18What's this?
30:18Just compost.
30:19This is just compost.
30:20We put water on.
30:21I'm going to put the lid on and put them by the heater.
30:24And then how long before they become snails?
30:26Do they hatch?
30:27What do they do?
30:28Yes.
30:29George was also extremely keen to show us
30:32how the baby snails got made in the first place.
30:36Ah, here you are.
30:37Now you see the courtship.
30:39Can you see?
30:40Yes.
30:41The left one already,
30:42he has his penis out there.
30:44Can you see?
30:44Yes.
30:45There.
30:45That's it.
30:45And this one has her vagina over it.
30:48Yep.
30:49So is that the man?
30:50No, no, no.
30:51They're both.
30:51He has, you know, the penis and the vagina
30:54on his body.
30:56That's so cool.
30:56So they're, well, really,
30:58these are in tune with the times.
31:00We've got trans farm animals.
31:01Oh, yes.
31:03Or they're hermaphrodites.
31:04They're hermaphrodites, but they're sex machines.
31:06Sex machines?
31:08Yeah.
31:09How many penises has it got?
31:11Two.
31:12Two penises?
31:13Like here.
31:14Other side.
31:15Oh, I see.
31:15You've got stereo peniseries.
31:17So depending which side...
31:18Where's its vagina then?
31:20Exactly next to it.
31:21The same thing.
31:21So you've got a penis and a vagina.
31:23No, no.
31:23The same thing.
31:24Where the penis is,
31:24is also its vagina.
31:27Clever, right?
31:29And they shit out of their faces as well?
31:31Yeah, on the side, yes.
31:33They, they...
31:33So their face is like a Ferrari steering wheel.
31:36Everything's now on it.
31:37Yeah.
31:38Yeah.
31:39Yeah.
31:40Yeah.
31:40Yeah.
31:42And, once they've bred,
31:44you take the eggs,
31:44and then you eat the ones that are bred.
31:46So they're no good now.
31:47Ah, so we,
31:48well, once we've got the babies,
31:49these adults can go off to the pub.
31:52Yeah.
31:52Correct.
31:53And so we get those,
31:54because I mean,
31:55I adore snails.
31:56I think they're fantastic.
31:57You like the garlic butter.
31:58Oh, I love the garlic butter.
31:59And the shells,
32:00you crush up,
32:01and you can give it to the chickens as quick.
32:03Lisa and George claimed, however,
32:05that the money to be made from serving them in the pub
32:08was nothing compared to what could be earned from the slime.
32:12There are beauty parlors,
32:15in Essex especially.
32:16Essex.
32:17Essex.
32:18120 pounds,
32:19for 10 minutes snail,
32:21or 15 minutes snail course.
32:23So they put the snails on your faces.
32:25Yeah.
32:25And the snail,
32:26it just goes around,
32:27excretes the juice.
32:29That's it.
32:30And that's like 120 pounds,
32:3210 minutes.
32:32Yep.
32:34I wasn't completely convinced,
32:37but put my concerns to one side.
32:43Because the next day,
32:45Lisa and I were awaiting cow birth number three.
32:52Yes.
32:53Here we go.
32:56Which seemed to be going as smoothly as the previous two.
33:00Oh, here we go.
33:01Here we go.
33:02Foot.
33:04Push.
33:06Push.
33:09Oh.
33:10Look, you can see the cards turn.
33:14That's a worry.
33:16Shit.
33:16Should we call Dylan,
33:17or are we just panicking?
33:19Well, it's head first.
33:21That's good.
33:21No, it's everything's right.
33:23But we can see the tongue,
33:25the tongue is moving,
33:26suggesting that the calf is sort of needing to be out.
33:31Do we grab hold of those and pull?
33:35That is a worry for me,
33:37that the time is out and moving.
33:40And then we call Caleb.
33:44All right, mate.
33:45All right, mate.
33:46Just, I know it's Oscar's birthday.
33:48Yeah, can you hear me?
33:50Yeah.
33:50We've got a calf coming.
33:52Half an hour, probably.
33:54The last contraction,
33:56we got really most of the front legs
33:58and then what looked like a tongue coming out.
34:01Just grab the two legs here
34:02and just gently have a little bit of pressure on it.
34:05Yeah.
34:05And then you'll feel it push.
34:06And as she pushes,
34:07just gently pull a bit harder.
34:09Yeah.
34:09And as she stops pushing,
34:10take the pressure off if that makes sense.
34:11I know exactly what you mean.
34:12Okay.
34:13Well, we'll get in now.
34:15Yeah.
34:15All right.
34:15Bye-bye.
34:18Here we go.
34:19Don't get up.
34:27The tongue is licking my glove.
34:36Oh, come on.
34:38I've hurt the calf's legs.
34:43And I'm being licked.
34:46Can I have some ropes?
34:55Yep.
34:56Both of them on.
34:57I'd dearly love to get this one out.
35:00Just because I've not done it before.
35:17Oh, God.
35:27Come on, come on.
35:30No!
35:35Oh, God.
35:37Caleb.
35:38Right, dude.
35:39All right?
35:41No.
35:45Pull this up.
35:46Pull, yeah.
35:48Nice.
35:50Yeah, I am doing it.
35:53You see, that's as far as you ever get.
35:55Hold that pressure there.
35:58Now pull.
36:00Hold.
36:02Pull now, and then pull down a little bit.
36:04That's it. Come on.
36:07Oh, God. Ripping my hands to shreds.
36:18Yeah, hold it.
36:21Just give this again a little bit.
36:23Try and get this on there.
36:27You've got to go and catch a birthday cake later.
36:29I know.
36:30I know.
36:31Give that a go now.
36:33That will.
36:38Yeah?
36:38It's much easier.
36:39Then you can control either side.
36:41Yeah, exactly.
36:41You've got it.
36:44Go on, go. Big push there.
36:47It's gonna go, it's gonna go.
36:49As you just feel that acid there.
36:51Big pull around.
36:52You've got it.
36:53Just feel that contraction, yeah?
36:54Yeah.
36:56Oh, there's a head.
36:58There's a head.
36:58Now it's all yours now, yeah?
37:03Come on, then.
37:04If you pull down, it's much easier.
37:05Yeah, I'm trying to.
37:06Go on, go on.
37:06That's a good one.
37:07Good lad.
37:08Good lad.
37:10That's it running.
37:10It's not open.
37:11It's not open.
37:23It's not open.
37:24What I'm doing now is opening that airway.
37:27Let's get that mother out so she can start licking it.
37:31There you go.
37:33I'd say that was okay.
37:35Yeah.
37:35It's a long cut off.
37:37Yeah.
37:38Go on, lick girl, lick girl.
37:39Come on, please lick.
37:42That's it, there you go.
37:43That's a good one.
37:45Is she licking?
37:45Yes, she licking.
37:47Yeah.
37:51Pardon me.
37:52My first one.
37:54How did you put it?
37:55It's fucking good in there.
37:56Oh, fuck me, that's good.
37:58That is so good.
38:03Eh?
38:03Oh.
38:05Oh.
38:07Eh?
38:07I know.
38:08That is just the best.
38:10Oh, it was all you.
38:11That was proper.
38:12It's hard, isn't it, pulling it out?
38:15Oh.
38:18Look at that.
38:20What a fantastic day.
38:23What a great, great, great day.
38:32Later on, Lisa and I went down to the wood where we used to keep the pigs.
38:39Oh.
38:40You're off.
38:40To clear up some more storm damage.
39:00I know, it's been years and years and years every time you come down here,
39:06you'll come running along to see you and now look. Mind you, that being said, it's not completely empty though,
39:17is it?
39:19Because look who's here, ladies and gentlemen, Richard Hamm.
39:26Look how he has grown. He has become a mighty pig. A huge pig.
39:31Richard Hamm, come and say hello. I should just explain what's going on here.
39:36Hello. We've kept him. We had to.
39:41Problem we've got though, is he can't be a fluffer anymore because there's no more pigs to fluff.
39:48We can't eat him, because we just can't.
39:52And we can't breed from him because there's something genetically wrong with him.
39:58Um, so we've just got him. And you can't keep a pig on its own.
40:03So, over there, we've got another pig, another boy pig, and then he can have a friend.
40:09What do you call him?
40:11What, the friend? Yeah.
40:13Well, who is Richard Hammond's best friend?
40:16I'm not calling it James May. I'm not even a pig called James May.
40:22Boar. Let's call him James Boar. That's... He is a boar.
40:28He is a boar. He is literally a boar. Richard Hammond James Boar.
40:34What had been an extremely pleasant day ended well, too.
40:41Because as the sun set, Lisa and I made a thermos of Bovril, drove out to the fields,
40:48and settled down for our new favourite date night.
41:03Look, look, he's stopped. He's having me think about how to turn around.
41:09He was turning round. Oh, my God. Look at that.
41:12I do feel like I'm from the 18th century looking at tractors.
41:18Yeah, the Starship Enterprise has just landed at Deadly Squat.
41:22Yeah. It's very soporific, isn't it?
41:26It's incredible.
41:28I'm sure there is something good on television,
41:32but nothing is as good as watching farming being revolutionised.
41:39And just know that when you get up in the morning,
41:41you'll still be sitting and drumming their fingers.
41:43I know.
41:44Going, okay, we've done that job.
41:46And I do feel like we need to give them jobs. They're happy.
41:51Do you think they talk to each other?
41:53No.
41:54They must do.
42:00A few days later, all of the calves had been born,
42:04and the maternity ward was a joy to behold.
42:09Oh, look, he's off. Oh, look at him.
42:12Look how happy he is.
42:13Your turn.
42:15There you go.
42:16Look at this little calf.
42:18Oh, that's right. I love watching that.
42:22Look at them bounce around.
42:23They are adorable.
42:25They've got space.
42:29And I've decided now, you know I'm going to be 65 in a couple of weeks.
42:33Yeah.
42:33Retirement age.
42:34Well, historically always the retirement age.
42:36I'm going to be a cow midwife.
42:38No golf, no watercolour painting.
42:40Midwifery for cows.
42:41Bear in mind, you have seen the good versions of it happening.
42:43You pulled that one out on Saturday night.
42:45Yeah.
42:46You haven't actually yet cut one out.
42:49What do you mean cut one out?
42:50When the calf dies inside the mum,
42:52and instead of doing a C-section,
42:53you actually get the knife, go in and cut the head off,
42:55pull the head out, and then take it limb by limb.
42:57It's disgusting.
42:58You haven't done that yet.
43:01What?
43:02My fifth delivery when I was about 15,
43:05so everything was going smooth, yeah,
43:07and all of a sudden this cow,
43:08unfortunately the calf died inside the cow, yes?
43:11So instead of doing a C-section to take it out,
43:12what we had to do, go in from the back,
43:15get a knife, cut round the head like this,
43:17cut the head off, pull the head out,
43:19get the legs...
43:19The vagina?
43:21Yeah, yeah.
43:21Cut the calf's head off?
43:23Yeah.
43:24Take the head out.
43:24The calf's dead.
43:26You know, the cow was been...
43:27The cow was carved in about 10 hours,
43:29so, you know, it was time to come out,
43:31or we'd have lost the mum as well.
43:33But you haven't done that yet.
43:34Why didn't you do a C-section?
43:35I don't know.
43:36The family wanted to spend that much money,
43:38and it was, you know...
43:40So he invited a 15-year-old boy
43:42to put a knife inside a cow's vagina
43:45and butcher a calf while it was in there?
43:48Yeah.
43:49I'm rethinking my cow midwifery.
43:52You've seen the good side of it.
43:53This is the good side of it.
43:55On a slightly less gruesome note,
43:58Caleb then told me it was time to castrate the new boy calf,
44:02using a rubber band.
44:04So what we've got to do, open it up like this,
44:07pull the testicle sack through here,
44:08make sure both the testicles are in the sack,
44:10and then band, off, done.
44:14So we've got to go...
44:15Oh, look at his face.
44:16Look at his face.
44:17Please don't cut my bollocks off.
44:19Well, he doesn't know he's got bollocks, does he?
44:21No, he wouldn't know yet, would he?
44:24Hello, calf.
44:25Look, it's literally upholstered in velvet, this one.
44:28It's lovely, isn't it?
44:29It's absolutely beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.
44:33Right, then.
44:35So if you can't catch it,
44:37I'll find some autonomous machine that can.
44:41Shall we come in from the back, or...?
44:42Yeah, come in from the back.
44:47Oh, of course, they're quite big.
44:49Yeah, grab the test screws, Frank.
44:52You can have a shit on you.
44:53Mmm.
44:56Is that it?
44:57Have you got... have you got them?
44:58I don't know.
45:00I think so.
45:02Yep, there you go, they're on.
45:04Now make sure that band comes off.
45:05Well, how do I do that?
45:06Push it off, it's quite hard.
45:10We're holding hands while fondling an animal's body.
45:13Right, now off you come.
45:15Oh, you should have put your hand on that shit.
45:18It sat...
45:19...all over...
45:20...me.
45:23Oh, smell.
45:25No, no, you've got it on your nose and everything.
45:27What?
45:27Oh, fucking hell!
45:29It's all over everywhere!
45:30I'm covered in diarrhea!
45:33Is it on my... is it on my face?
45:35Yes!
45:39Oh!
45:40A cow's shat in my mouth!
45:45Fuck you!
45:52That's it, fuck it.
45:53I'm going to London.
45:55I'm going to London, Caleb.
45:57That's it.
45:57I'm done.
45:58I'm going to London in a Bentley.
46:01I'm gonna see my friends who work in advertising and law
46:04and the theatre.
46:08Oh!
46:10Oh!
46:11Fucking hell.
46:18Oh, God!
46:22In the end, I decided not to move back to London.
46:28Because the crops were in on time.
46:34The calves were in good health.
46:39And the weather was perfect.
46:44So, for the first time since I'd started farning all those years ago,
46:49life at Diddley's Squat
46:53was an absolute dream.
47:00Sometimes the texture of what you're eating feels off,
47:03but actually the taste is delicious.
47:05I'm not loving that.
47:06We're building a leaky woody dam.
47:09We're like human beavers.
47:10It's a magnificent beast, as you can see.
47:13Not the easiest thing to sell in the world.
47:15I'm not 1246.
47:1660,000.
47:46Not the easiest thing to fill it out.
47:48You can make a try.
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