- 4 weeks ago
Lewis Raymond Taylor is a life coach and entrepreneur who says he was diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder, a condition often associated with psychopathy. He spent his younger years dealing with violence, addiction, and crime, including serving prison time for grievous bodily harm.
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00:00My name is Lewis Raymond Taylor. I'm a diagnosed psychopath. I was sentenced to prison for one
00:04punch that left a man in a coma. This is everything I'm authorised to tell you.
00:10I understand emotions, but I don't feel them. So when people say, how do you feel about that? I say,
00:14well, actually, I don't. I think about that. I could go a month and not feel anything, you know,
00:19and every now and again, I'll just get a little flicker and I'll go, oh, there's, there, I had
00:23a little something there. I'm a life coach today. I would not be the success I am without being a
00:28psychopath. So I can always remember being a, like a bad quote kid and naughty, mischievous,
00:39cheeky. I also remember also having a very toxic relationship with my dad specifically.
00:44In 2014, I'd got back from an extremely chaotic summer abroad where I was drinking, fighting
00:53every day. I was getting involved with all sorts of situations. I would start fights. I would start
00:57trouble. I wanted to feel something and the adrenaline from doing something bad. When I was
01:02fighting, I was fighting to, to hurt, to win, to feel powerful. I wouldn't stop. Like, people would
01:09have to drag me off. I would be punching and punching, stamping and stamping and stamping. And
01:12I got, I'm, I am, and other people are very lucky that that didn't, I didn't end up killing somebody.
01:19I got a bit of a thrill from knowing that people saw me in that way.
01:22And I would do it for the attention. I was just doing anything I could to push things right to
01:28the edge, to the point where I could die. And I didn't care. It seems like a silly thing, but
01:32I
01:32would literally swing from balconies and I would be underneath and I'd be swinging from one arm and
01:37just hanging off. And I'd see everyone going, Oh my God, you know, look up there at Lewis. And I
01:41would
01:41just, that for me was more important for getting the look at Lewis. He's so crazy. It was more
01:47important than I could drop and die. And I wouldn't even think I could drop and die. It wouldn't go
01:51for my
01:51mind because that fear response is just like numb. And I realized that I would become an alcoholic
01:56because I had no longer was doing it out of choice. And I realized I now needed to,
02:00and I was also still being aggressive. I'd already, um, committed loads of crimes since the age of
02:05about 13, all sorts of different ones. The last time I went to prison, uh, was a time that I
02:09hit a
02:09guy in a taxi queue and he had a brain hemorrhage and was in a coma and then did make
02:16a full recovery.
02:17But I was sent to prison for 18 months for grievous bodily harm. I was out one night and actually
02:22I
02:22was, I jumped to the front of a taxi queue. I don't know if I did it on purpose or
02:27I didn't
02:27realize there was a queue or what have you, but some guy shouted, you know, shouted at me,
02:31said something. When I think about this guy that I hit, all I can see actually on this occasion is
02:36my dad's face. I was definitely angry because of my dad. He would hit me. He would be abusive at
02:40me,
02:40call me a buffoon. But this particular time, because he was older, I was 24 by the time this
02:45happened. And he was 40. Like I saw that as a, as a, as a, as an older, like an
02:50old man. And, um,
02:53he shouted at me and I just remembered just seeing my dad and just punching him in the face.
02:58And, uh, he hit his head, head like flat on the ground, his face flat on the ground actually,
03:03to the point where he was just stone cold knocked out. Um, and then blood started coming out of his
03:09head. So I thought, that's it. I just looked straight to my left and I saw the CCTV camera,
03:12I was outside a train station at the time. And I just thought, that's, that's it. You know,
03:16and I'd like to say, I'd like to tell you that my first thought was a man, but it wasn't,
03:19it was,
03:20it was me. It was like, I'm going to go to prison. Um, so I put my coat over him
03:24thinking,
03:24literally thinking he was dead and then put my hands up and waited for the police to arrive.
03:28And, uh, within a short period of time they had to put me in the back of the car,
03:31sent me to the police station. Luckily he hadn't died. And, uh, I was sent to prison
03:37because I pleaded guilty at the scene. I got a lot of time reduced in the UK. You serve nine
03:42months
03:42in prison and then you serve nine months on probation. So I actually only served nine months
03:45inside prison on that occasion in probation. Like later on, I did a reach out to him as an
03:50opportunity for restorative justice at the time. I honestly couldn't tell you whether I was doing
03:55that just to, you know, tick a box or whatever. But then later on down the line, I did want
04:00to like
04:00see if I could contact him just to see what could happen. And, you know, but he, he wasn't interested
04:05in,
04:05uh, in responding. When it happened at the time, I don't, I don't have those responses where I
04:10think about fear or what people think or what's going to happen. There is of course a inconvenience
04:15and a frustration of the consequences of the inevitable prison time that I didn't,
04:22obviously didn't want, but there wasn't, it's not associated with fear. It's not like,
04:25what's going to happen when I go to prison? It's just, I'm going to be in prison for a long
04:28time.
04:29And now looking back, what do you think about this reaction? What does it make you feel
04:32now with everything that you know about this?
04:36So looking back on it, and this is the most difficult thing for me to share,
04:40because this is the thing that paints me in the, in the worst light in terms of
04:43the stereotypical way of people will perceive it, but they have to truly understand it.
04:47But when I look back on it now, I feel the same. Because I don't feel anything.
04:51I understand it shouldn't have happened. And, you know, what stupid kid I was and what an
04:56unfortunate situation that man found himself in and it shouldn't have happened to him.
05:02But it's just not associated to a visceral feeling. It's associated to a cognitive
05:07understanding of knowing that, you know, that shouldn't have happened and that's bad and wrong.
05:12But whatever remorse or guilt feels like, I just have no idea what it could feel like.
05:22If I could explain psychopathy in one sentence, I would personally just describe it as somebody who
05:28experiences the world and emotions differently to other people. So psychopathy is not in the DSM
05:36manual. You can't be any more diagnosed of actually just being a psychopath. You have to have the
05:40underlying clinical condition, which is an antisocial personality disorder, which is what I have.
05:45The main traits of psychopathy are impulsiveness, manipulation. There's a very low risk fear
05:55tolerance as well. It's the emotional bluntness or a complete lack of emotion. And that obviously
06:01translates to many things, lack of remorse, lack of guilt, a lack of concern or care for other people,
06:07if not trained and understood. I feel almost nothing. And sometimes I'll use language to just
06:12make sense to people. And I might say the word feel, but I don't actually feel it. I understand it.
06:17I can get to emotion, but I can also just take it off. I could never think of something ever
06:24again
06:24if I wanted to. If I go, that's too difficult, I can just don't think about it. Certain things like
06:30funerals, weddings, hierarchy of authority, they just don't really make sense or mean anything to me.
06:38It's only now that I have such an awareness around the diagnosis that I really start to compare and
06:43contrast myself against other people and just realize the disparity of what I feel versus what
06:48they feel. And then I realized over time, especially from dealing with people one-to-one,
06:52that it was actually everyone that was like that, or most people anyway. And it was me that was
06:58different. It was me that was probably acting in a way that I shouldn't have.
07:01Now I can actually ask the question. I can say to people, when this happens,
07:05what do you feel? What sensations are going on in your body? Do you actually have
07:09like a sinking feeling, a warm fuzzy? Does it actually feel warm and fuzzy? And I can actually
07:15understand that.
07:21I am not emotionless. I just experience it differently. That's the thing. I know it's
07:27alien to people, but I think it, I don't feel it, but it doesn't mean to say it's not there.
07:31For example, I have partners, I have love in my life, but it's just not a felt sense love.
07:36Like I have to be shown it. I have to understand it. I have to believe it, you know, and
07:41it becomes
07:42as a part of a bond over time, rather than like an immediate emotional connection. But I know that
07:46I love people. I get to the point where I can, someone will say, do you love them? And I
07:49can say
07:49yes or no. And I don't know why, but it's just a part of my brain that's decided they've now
07:54met
07:54that criteria because of things that have happened. And I know from my actions of what I would do for
07:59that person. So if I would, it's going to sound extreme, but if I would kill for that person,
08:03then I know that must mean I love them. So it's kind of different, but I make my own map
08:09of the
08:10world based on what I have available to me. And I relate it as close to language and a normal
08:14human
08:15experience of a sort of normal neurotypical person.
08:20How about the birth of your son?
08:22Do you know what? So when my dad died, I cried. When a girlfriend cheated on me when I was
08:30younger,
08:30I cried and I felt it as well. So I have had times where I've been like hurt. I was
08:36really worried
08:37I wasn't going to cry when my son was born because I have just would have felt cold. And when
08:42I say feel,
08:43it's just, it's just the only way to explain it. But I would have just reinforced to myself that I'm
08:47this
08:47bad, unlovable man that's going to not be able to break this pattern with my son that happened
08:53with my dad. I know not everybody does anyway, but I just wanted to, because I wanted it to be
08:58the
08:58moment where hopefully he could, you know, bring something out in me that I'm waiting to see in
09:02myself. And he came out and I cried. So I was very relieved. And that was the first time I've
09:09ever
09:09cried out of happiness ever. I've never experienced that. I've never, I didn't know how people could have
09:13emotions through happiness. It's not, it doesn't reach that intensity for me. Right. Very flat.
09:17Do you love him? Yes. I love him. So that's a feeling. It's a feeling, but it's like I said,
09:24so if you want me to talk about it quickly, so I definitely love my son. This is difficult to
09:31admit because I wouldn't want anyone to, I wouldn't want him to see it and misunderstand it, but it's
09:37different. It's still different. Like I can't deny it. Like it's stronger than anything else. I'm able to be
09:42away from him and not think about him every day. Like I'm able to detach my emotions. I,
09:47it took me a while to build that bond, that connection. It still feels surreal at times.
09:52I'm probably not as loving as a normal dad would be. And that's, that's a shame to say, because
09:58you know, I don't wish that upon myself or anybody because it's a shame to be able to have to
10:03say that.
10:04But it's the truth. You know, I want to try and be as truthful as possible. So I love him
10:08in the ways
10:08I've explained and he's on the highest end of the spectrum that hits above that threshold.
10:15But it's probably still less. And hopefully by the time he reaches sort of an older age,
10:20I've worked on myself even more so that I can show him that I love him in every aspect that
10:24he's going
10:25to feel it and need it and understand it. Relationships look very different to me because
10:29I, I understand like the love languages. Love languages are different things. Like you experience
10:34love through physical touch or through gifts or through acts of service and present quality time
10:39and different things. And for me, it has to be, um, it has to actually be the acts of service,
10:45which sounds like a really chauvinistic thing, but it's not because I really like to contribute
10:52and be a good partnership with somebody. I like to be the provider and I like to know that I
10:56am,
10:56but they have to show me something back. Otherwise I just can't see it. So I would never force
11:00that upon somebody, but I, but if someone, if a woman cooks me a meal, I, I, I would feel
11:06as close
11:06to as you would perceive loved because I would say they're doing that because they love me.
11:12It's not, you do it because you should. It's, I appreciate that. And I can now see,
11:16because if you try and radiate love to me, I'm not going to feel it. That has to be important
11:20in a relationship. It has to be quite a traditional dynamic like that. I might not have whatever,
11:24I just can't, whatever everyone else has. I know that I have an element of care for people
11:28and I still want to do the right thing. If anything, I think it could be more
11:34potent coming from me because I have to make a logical choice to care. Now I have what is known
11:39as cognitive emotions. And specifically, like if we talk about empathy, which is a big part of
11:44psychopathy, I just don't emotionally relate to people. Somebody could tell me, they could tell me
11:50anything, absolutely anything, and I wouldn't feel nothing. And that's not just I don't care.
11:56Sometimes I really, I'm invested in thinking, you've been through a tough time. You need some
12:01help. I'm someone to help you. I'm going to help you. And I genuinely want to. Like I'm invested
12:05in doing that because I can see clearly and understand even more rationally, maybe some
12:11people with emotions sometimes, because sometimes they're clouded and they're overwhelmed by emotion
12:15to the point where they actually have to distance themselves from that situation. Me, sometimes I can
12:19logically just pull through that cloud and just help those people. So it's not that I don't care or want
12:23to
12:23help. It's that I just don't feel it. When I was 17, I had my first major girlfriend.
12:29And that's something I felt because at this point I felt very bad and unlovable because I either
12:35didn't feel it or wasn't getting it or wasn't receiving it in the way that I could understand.
12:40I just felt unloved. It felt like a void. And when I had this girlfriend, she would invite me around
12:45to
12:45her family's house. We'd watch TV. I would talk with her family. She had lots of brothers and sisters
12:54and it was like, okay, this is what family's like. And I felt something. I felt like, oh,
12:58okay, maybe I'm actually okay because they've accepted me in and this is normal. But then my
13:02alcohol was progressing and she had an argument with me one night and she just threw at me,
13:07well, I cheated on you. And it just really hit me. To this day, I've had quite a lot of
13:12trauma,
13:12but I think that one probably is the one that I remember feeling the most because I felt loss.
13:17I felt confirmation that I was bad and unlovable. And I completely went berserk. And the ambulance
13:26arrived and I was trying to fight them off and they had to pin me down and stitch me up.
13:31And then I
13:31escaped from the hospital and was sectioned under the Mental Health Act and it was just complete.
13:36And I was screaming and telling them to let me die. That's how like distraught I was over that.
13:41And I think every, although I've had some form of emotion and then these extreme moments,
13:46it kind of erupts. I think with that scenario, it was, it felt like loss. I think if I could
13:50connect
13:50it to what I guess that would be, because I, in that moment, I knew we would never be together
13:55again.
13:56I knew it confirmed to me all the things that I hoped weren't true about me, that I was this
14:01bad
14:01and unlovable kid. I was, this wouldn't have happened. And it was confirmation that I'd lost her.
14:06And it kind of just hit me all in that moment.
14:14I was very naughty from a young age. I don't know exactly where that came from,
14:18if it was like inherently naughtiness, part of this condition or just who I was. But like,
14:24one of my earliest memories is kind of my mum coming into nursery and having to take me home
14:31straight away after, because it was a, come and see your, see your child at nursery day. And everyone
14:38else was sitting quietly in the carpet. And I was running around the room, banging a drum,
14:41singing happy birthday, because I was just in a world of my own. I was nearly expelled from primary
14:45school, which is very unusual because you're like, no one really gets expelled from primary school,
14:50but I nearly did. And I was expelled from secondary school. I think my environment played a big factor
14:54in the way that I am. I couldn't tell you if we wound back the clock and, you know, I
14:59had a different
14:59upbringing. I might be, I might feel the emotions. I really couldn't tell you. I really bounced between
15:05thinking to myself, no Lewis, you are so different to people that this is just you, you've got to
15:09accept it. And you've got to just allow that to be part of who you are to, no, actually, I
15:15think I
15:15could be like everyone else. And there's this little tiny flicker of a flame that keeps on getting
15:20snubbed out that maybe I could ignite. But then I go, no, I can't. At some point, something must
15:26have clicked for me. And I don't remember what happened where I decided I wanted to be famous.
15:29And this was about seven or eight years old. And I thought, okay, I'll do the normal things you
15:34do when you want to be famous, singing, acting and dancing. And I happened to be actually quite
15:37okay. You know, I don't know if I was a star, but I was actually, I could sing, I could
15:42dance,
15:42I could act at an amateur level. So I did do plays and stage school and even ballet and tap
15:48dancing,
15:49which is crazy. So thinking about it now, it's like this psychopath kid, a psychopath guy who's
15:54violent criminal, who was once a ballerina. So that's the sort of contradiction of life.
16:00At one of the stage schools I was at, one of the people at the stage school I was in,
16:06uh, inviting back to his house. And he was, he wasn't like an older man. He was,
16:11he was just a lot older than me. Like on reflection, he was probably 18 and I was probably 10
16:16or 11,
16:16but I actually don't know. And, uh, invite me back to his house. I thought nothing of it.
16:20And I was, and I somehow managed to, my parents let me sleep over his house. And I'm just trying
16:25to
16:26think about how that even happened. I stepped over at his house and, um, it started normally like
16:32watching TV and then he like held my hand and it was just the weirdest thing. And I just froze.
16:39I was thinking, why is this guy holding my hand? But I just, and then a minute, like a minute
16:43passed,
16:44I realized I hadn't pulled my hand away. And I was thinking, Oh God. And then it was like
16:50classic bloody stereotypical climbing on the top bunk. You know, I came up on the top bunk where I was
16:55at
16:56and, uh, yeah, sexually abused me. And at the time I didn't really know what happened because I was so
17:02young. I've never even had any experiences like that. So I didn't know, like, did he, did he know
17:07this was gonna happen? Did it, did I, should I have said like, no, did I participate? Did I actually
17:12do
17:12this with him? No idea. Um, and that was something that I completely suppressed to the point where I
17:17don't think I even really even remembered it until I was in rehab, uh, 20 at 24. And one of
17:23the stories,
17:23one of the things they do in treatment is to get you to share your life story. And I actually
17:28thought,
17:28I don't know what that is. So I had to literally get a bit of paper out and think, okay,
17:31well,
17:32this happened. And then there, and then when I went into rehab, you, you go in a group and you
17:38share
17:38your story in front of a group. And I didn't think my story was going to be that significant at
17:41the
17:41time. Cause I'm in, I'm in here with like heroin addicts and homeless people. And I'm thinking
17:46their stories are going to be crazy and mine's going to be nothing. And I just sharing all these
17:50things. And I just see their jaw dropped to the ground. And I just thought, oh my God,
17:54this is serious stuff. And that was the first time I'd ever shared that. So that was, that was
17:58significant. I didn't feel anything at the time apart from confusion. I don't feel anything about
18:01it now. I don't actually think it made any difference to me, but it must've done. Like
18:08psychologically, clinically, logically, you look at it and you think, of course that must have
18:11affected somebody, but I couldn't tell you, oh, from that day I felt so whatever, cause I haven't.
18:18Um, so anyway, that must've had an effect. I did have an emotionally shut down family,
18:23which of course is going to contribute to the learned behavior. My dad was very like almost
18:28psychopathic. My mom was very emotionally detached, but I think she showed emotion.
18:32I always thought my family was normal. I knew we didn't have the best relationship, but I didn't know,
18:36I couldn't compare it to, oh, this should be like this or that should be like that.
18:40They would provide some parental care in the way that they understood it. But from an emotional support
18:45place, it was just non-existent because they didn't know how to express that in their own way.
18:49So my mum, she, she wouldn't really, she felt, she finds it very uncomfortable to say, I love you or
18:54cuddle. Even to this day, she, like we, we try and make an effort now, but it's still very rare
19:00and
19:01awkward when it happens. So, uh, so I know that it's there with her. It's just, uh, she wasn't able
19:07to
19:07share it. I think I remember from the age of probably seven years old, being so angry and frustrated with
19:12myself because I thought it was my fault that this relationship, um, had broken down between me
19:17and my dad. Every time I even went to speak to him, it somehow it would turn into a blazing
19:21row.
19:22He could become, uh, violent, but it was, it wasn't often. I can't say that he beat me all the
19:28time,
19:28you know, it did do it. Um, but it was more the, uh, the emotional abuse or, um, the things
19:33he said.
19:33My brother also actually very emotionally detached. Uh, we got onto a certain extent because we were similar
19:41in age. He was five years younger than me. And I kind of brought him into my lifestyle,
19:47really same sort of group of friends. I was selling drugs. I got him to sell drugs for me.
19:51That's kind of not what you would do with your family. But for me, it, it didn't make it to
19:56me,
19:56it made more sense. Actually to me, it's like, if I'm going to have someone that I trust, like I
20:00would
20:00prefer to have my brother doing this. Most people's thoughts would be, what happened? What if this
20:05happened? What if, but that, oh, that's bad. What's it going to, but it just didn't enter my brain.
20:08It started off juvenile sort of silly behavior and then eventually turned into things like
20:12shoplifting and smashing windows and, and then drink and drugs. Started quite small, sort of weed at 13,
20:20alcohol sort of 15, cocaine by the time I was 18. And at that point I was addicted to cocaine.
20:31So when I was diagnosed with having an antisocial personality disorder, it was a part of the system.
20:36So I had just committed some very violent crimes and I was very young and I've got a lot of
20:41trauma
20:41from my life. And I think with the traits of being so impulsive and reckless and I had absolutely no
20:48regard for myself or my future, consequences just was completely out of my head.
20:55So I hurt a lot of people, not random people, of course, these were people that I'd, you know,
20:59got into contact with out on a night of drinking or what have you.
21:02So I went to probation and they do what's called a pre-sentence report. And it's where
21:06they kind of analyze you and your background and your behavior and your environment to be able to
21:11give a bit of a background package of information to the judge.
21:14I went in there, crossed my arms, said, do what you want. Don't care.
21:17You look at this. She said, you're looking at eight years in prison. I was like, so what?
21:19Don't care. Do you not, do you not care about the people you found? No.
21:23Do you not care about what you've done? No. And I just never thought about it. I didn't think,
21:26oh, I'm not displaying remorse. I'm not, I just, just factually answering the questions. And I
21:31actually did not care whatsoever. And she was obviously quite perplexed by those responses
21:37and sent me for a psychiatric assessment. I didn't realize that was not normal. I thought
21:41that was just another part of this court process. It turns out it wasn't as it turns out she noticed
21:46something in me that was unusual. And then I met with a psychiatrist. They did an interview,
21:52asked me loads of questions. Nothing really stood out to me. I didn't think,
21:56oh, this is, this is unusual. I just thought this is what every criminal kind of is going to be
22:01saying. And, uh, yeah, came back with antisocial personality disorder. And I just, again,
22:06I just brushed it off and I thought, well, he's just thinking I'm, I'm mental because I've committed
22:11all these crimes and he's a goody two shoes. And he just doesn't know that I'm just being a bit
22:15of
22:16a bad lad. I didn't realize there's anything wrong with me, quote unquote. And that was the start of
22:20diagnosis. At the time, I didn't think the diagnosis was correct. When I was diagnosed
22:25with the antisocial personality disorder, I don't think that I shared it that much,
22:30to be honest. I remember with the second one with the bipolar, because I'd purposely gone to get that
22:34evaluation. Um, I shared it with, just one I can remember, I shared it with someone in the pub
22:40and they just said, I can't remember the exact words now, but it was something along the lines of,
22:45I'm glad you figured out what it was, mate. Like, like he knew it wasn't this one moment where I'm
22:50like, I'm a psychopath. You know, it was like, it's, it's clues and signals and things throughout
22:56my entire life that looking back on it, they kind of all fit in and you go, oh yeah, actually.
23:00So it's
23:01a, it's a evolving process of coming to terms with any condition that you might have. Right. Back
23:06then I had no need to mask, to display, to try and act, perform. If someone said, how did you
23:12attack
23:12that man? I would just tell you exactly how I attacked them. Not realizing that maybe I should
23:19probably explain this in a different way and look a little bit different in how I
23:23share that information. And as I got into life coaching and I was, I was coaching people and I
23:27was helping people, I would hear their reactions. I was just thinking, surely not. Like you cannot
23:33feel that way or think that way and act that way and feel. And then it was a pattern. They're
23:37all
23:37like it. They're all, they're all like this. They all care about these things. They all react about
23:42nothing. You know, it's out of, to me, it was frustrating because I just didn't understand it.
23:47Psychopaths, they still get frustrated, aggressive, angry, irritated. The, the worst feelings you can have,
23:53they still have.
23:59The most common myths about psychopathy is that they're bad people. They can do bad things and
24:06it's much easier for them to do bad things. They can manipulate, they can lie, they can harm,
24:12but that is still a choice. And that's largely because they're uneducated and unaware of who they
24:17are. And they haven't learned to transmute those traits into positive attributes that can actually
24:24be advantageous. They're told their whole life they're bad and incurable. So I don't kind of blame
24:28them. I was almost going to go down that line myself. I was told expelled from school, you're bad.
24:34Probation, precinct report, you're bad. The lawyers, you're bad. The prison, you're bad. You know,
24:40parents, you're bad. Everyone told me I was bad. And I thought I was bad. And bad people do bad
24:44things,
24:45you know, because that's their identity. That's the person they think that they are.
24:48A lot of psychopaths have done bad things and those are the ones you will hear of.
24:53And the thing is though, not many people want to admit to psychopathy because of the stigma
24:56that it has associated to it. So there'll be great ones out there that just don't want to
25:01tell you because they don't want to say, oh, hey, I've been faking half this stuff, but I'm still a
25:05good
25:06person. But they do great things in the world. And if we could compare the good ones and the bad
25:11ones,
25:12then we'd probably have a better understanding of the sort of spectrum that it exists on.
25:16It is only portrayed online in the most drastic form. Like I said, it's on a spectrum. You've got
25:22psychopathy, which is at one end of the spectrum, which is, I don't care about anybody and I can
25:25kill them and get enjoyment out of it. And then the other end of the spectrum is someone that will,
25:30you know, cry when they hear a piece of music and they can't stop thinking about it for the next
25:34three
25:34days because it's still choking them up every time. So there's people that exist all the way on that
25:38spectrum, but we only, you know, sensationalize the most interesting part of it. But actually,
25:45this is a neurodivergent mental health condition. You know, I'm not a bad person. I care about people.
25:50I've got a condition. I live with it. I try my absolute best. But it absolutely shouldn't be
25:55demonized unless you do bad things with it. And that's only a very select few people that do.
25:59The population of psychopaths is 1% of the world. And then how many other people are sociopaths and
26:06narcissistic and have disorders? You'd be surprised. They don't even know it maybe,
26:10or they're hiding it or suppressing it. They're some of our most successful leaders that we don't
26:14even know about. It's out there. It's just misunderstood and they're portrayed in a very
26:20negative light. I've got a bit of a thrill out of the violence when I was younger because it was
26:25power. I felt powerful. And I could see how that could have progressed potentially as I got older and
26:31maybe more aggressive and, you know, edged it closer and closer that maybe that could have,
26:37you know, turned into some crazy violence. I don't know. But I never have any thoughts of
26:43harming people for the sake of harming people. It's just stigmatized because you hear of serial
26:47killers and you think of psychopaths. I'm a diagnosed psychopath. I do not get a thrill
26:52out of hurting or doing anything bad. I could. I could do it. But I wouldn't want to. Like,
26:58it's stupid. It doesn't make sense why I'd want to do it. But that's because I've evolved myself to
27:02the point where I understand that. There is definitely an element of masking and putting
27:13on personas. I think we all do it. Like, you step into a meeting and you take the confident woman
27:20with
27:20you if that's who you need to be. You know, you go on a date, you take the joyful, flirtatious
27:28person with you. You learn that behavior. That's a skill. And to say, oh, no, I don't do it. Everything
27:33I'm doing is completely genuine. No, sometimes I do put on a smile and there's no smile on it.
27:37You know, sometimes I do, like, create a connection when I first meet somebody because it makes them
27:43feel more comfortable, but I don't care to meet them more. Potentially, I may be more skilled in certain
27:49areas of doing it or it's more conscious than it is subconscious where people are doing it.
27:55But yeah, different scenarios, different circles, different people, different groups, different
28:00outcomes that I'm looking for. I will behave differently. I don't think I'm hiding this
28:05monster within. There's definitely times where I'm, you know, putting on a bit of a front or there is
28:13something. Because in business, sometimes there is something you want from other people. You know,
28:16sometimes you are in a meeting and you couldn't care less about that person's holiday or, you know,
28:20how nice their tie is. Not that I make comments on things like that, but the point I'm making is
28:24sometimes I couldn't care less and I don't like that person, but I might pretend that I do.
28:29But yeah, there's no monster waiting to pop out around the corner. And as soon as you close the
28:34door, there's this different version of me. There is a different version of me, but it's not a monster.
28:37It's a quieter, it's more introverted, it's a more dull, it's a more baseline version of me.
28:50I would not be the success I am without being a psychopath because it's been my massive advantage.
28:57I have an ability to strategically think because I have to overcompensate for the lack of feeling.
29:03So I can create a plan and I can see every step that needs to take place. Sometimes people have
29:08like a goal and they don't, they can't visualize how to get there. And that's just some way some
29:13people are. I seem to be very methodical and strategic in my way of kind of taking very simple
29:18steps one after another with no emotional burden pulling me back. We created the business called
29:22The Coaching Masters and the business grew exponentially. It was right before the pandemic.
29:28It was all online. We knew that it had to be online from the start. The main thing we do
29:32is we help
29:33people become life coaches. Those 15,000 students, they're people that have wanted to become a coach
29:38and they're now qualified as life coaches. That's the main part of our business now.
29:41You see a psychopath as manipulative and I am very manipulative, but to help someone,
29:47I will persuade you to think better about yourself and live your life beyond your wildest dreams.
29:52It's just categorized as bad if you're manipulating somebody to do something that's harmful for them
29:56or beneficial for you. So manipulation can become persuasion. My impulsivity can be seen as being
30:05able to take risks. My lack of fear enables me to not be burdened by it. My emotional bluntness allows
30:15me to make logical decisions rather than being influenced by emotion and fear and ridicule and
30:20embarrassment or those things that might happen to people. It's like every single negative trait has a
30:25positive and it's about trying to integrate them and allow them rather than trying to dismiss it.
30:31Because some people might think, oh, I'm quite manipulative sometimes. I'm going to bury that.
30:34But actually, why not try and accept that as part of something that you do, but just make sure
30:39that you're doing it constructively. So I'm able to integrate those negative aspects of myself,
30:45but use them for good.
30:46How do you feel about people who might think, okay, this is not real then?
30:50Mm. Loads of people do. I've been called a cult leader. And there's an element of truth behind
30:55it, right? Because when people say you're exploiting people for personal gain, I think,
31:01well, yeah, a business is for personal gain. Of course. I'm not just doing this because I want to
31:06help everyone. I want to build a business. I want to make money. It's no different than any other leader
31:12of an organization. I'd be lying if I said I got everyone results because it's impossible to give everyone
31:16results. They need to want it. I can coach, I can help, and I can make impact. But if you
31:20want a real
31:20transformation, it's self-led. So the ones that don't win, I couldn't care less. And I tell you why,
31:27not my fault. I will give you all the resources, all the skills, all the support, and I go over
31:33and
31:33beyond. I will give you everything. But if you don't make it work, it's down to you. Do you think
31:37that
31:38universities are upset because they have a 3% success rate of people that actually get jobs in their
31:44field? They're educators. They can provide the skills and resources, but it's down to the person.
31:48I know it works. I've helped thousands of people. If I was in a one-off scenario where it only
31:54works
31:54for me and everyone else it didn't work for, because I'm teaching them how to be psychopaths,
31:57of course, that wouldn't be fair. But I'm not. I've educated myself. I know what it works and I've
32:02proven it. It can multiple across thousands of people from different countries and different walks
32:07of life and different demographics. So I know it works. So if it doesn't work for you,
32:11that's down to you. And you probably find that the person that doesn't work for probably nothing's
32:15working for them. A lot of people have over-complicated the world. They worry about
32:19things that are never going to happen. And I just look at these people and I just think your life
32:24is
32:24just running out. Like your life is literally running out and all you're doing is stretching
32:27yourself out and worrying and scared about things that don't exist. And I think, wow, that's not
32:32what I'm supposed to be. So there's obviously that part that I'm quite grateful, but I don't have to be
32:37wrapped up in. There's a lot of ambitious people that want to achieve a lot with their life and
32:40they know the things to do, but they don't do them because they're held back by that fear,
32:44the fear of their own insecurities and doubts and what might happen or won't happen. And
32:49actually, if you can look at it quite logically, a lot of people ask me how I'm successful. And I
32:52just say, well, I figure out what I want to do. And then I make like a plan of one,
32:56two,
32:56three, and then I take steps one, two, and three. I'm not some crazy genius of these mad plans. I
33:02just
33:02actually do all the things I want to do because most people could do the exact same things,
33:05but they're just held back by those emotional constraints.
33:09There's a lot of successful people that will detach themselves from their emotions purposefully,
33:13you know, because it's helpful in situations. You know, politicians, CEOs, surgeons, these people
33:19may actually be on this, you know, psychopathy spectrum, but even if they weren't, they would
33:23have to make a conscious choice to distance themselves. Because if they were in the middle
33:26of surgery, they'd be like, oh my God, but what about if I clip that? Or what about what their
33:29parents or
33:30their family or their daughter are going to, I can't operate. I'm going to have to let them just bleed
33:33out
33:33because, you know, what about if something goes wrong? Dead. You know, they're dead.
33:37Or what about if they're going to war? It's like, can I kill 100,000 people with that decision or
33:42800,000 people with that decision? I can't kill those 100,000 people. So now they're all dead.
33:47You know, you have to go, 100,000 people just makes more sense. You know what I mean?
33:51So some people have the ability to either
33:55disconnect or it's just disconnected anyway, but it of course can be helpful.
33:58From a corporate sort of point of view, I wouldn't say I'm the best leader in business. I definitely
34:06see it having flaws. I find it very difficult to communicate to people. I assume they think
34:16how I think a lot of the time. And I get very frustrated when they don't understand or don't
34:21do things the right way because I don't know how they wouldn't be able to do it. Because to me,
34:25it feels very simple and not in an arrogant way, but I just, I see it clearly sometimes and they
34:31don't. And I find it frustrating to communicate that sometimes to staff. And I don't have much
34:37of a tolerance to support them emotionally from that real strong leadership perspective. I know
34:42that's the right thing to do. Nurture staff, employees, build them up. I really don't have
34:46the tolerance or the time or the patience in that. So I become more of a sort of more of
34:52a dictator
34:53sort of ship kind of leadership style. And it works to a certain extent, but I don't think it's the
34:59best way of doing it, to be honest. I think when you're changing things so fast and you're working
35:03so quickly and you just want to build something and you've got a vision for it, sometimes you don't
35:06have the space to nurture people and give them creative freedom to do their own thing because
35:09I've got my vision and I don't know what I want to do. So I end up just barking orders
35:13and telling
35:13people what to do. And sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But if we move fast enough,
35:17we still end up building quite well. I'm very happy that my life has made this massive change.
35:22Happy is an interesting one for me because I don't feel a strong happiness. I have a flatness,
35:26but I do have a sense of being... content's also quite difficult, I would say. I'm on a climb.
35:33I know I'm on a climb. I have this illusion that the higher I climb, the more complete and fulfilled
35:39I'm going to feel. I know because I'm educated enough to know that that's not going to happen.
35:43But I allow myself to carry that climb because it gives me the satisfaction of
35:48knowing that I'm working towards something. I know eventually I might hit a peak.
35:51Call me a psychopath. Call me a manipulator. Call me a grandiose. I call that confidence.
35:56Call me, you know, whatever you might, you know, whatever trait you think. I'm okay with myself and
36:01who I am and I'm okay with the impact I'm having and I'm not making any negative impact on anybody
36:05else.
36:10The bizarre thing is when I was told that you end up in prison, a part of me actually
36:16liked the idea of it because I always knew that I was going to do something significant with my life.
36:20When I went to prison the first time as a young offender in the Young Offenders Institution,
36:24it was chaotic, but I kind of liked the excitement of it. It was fun in a way. It was
36:30like a different
36:30adventure because it's new, it's a different environment, meeting new people. It's just like being
36:34an action movie in a way. So it's part of it, it's fun. And everyone was asking me kind of
36:39what
36:39you're in for, what you're in for. And I always had to respond with these very like menial crimes
36:44at the time. And I remember thinking like, I wish that I could say something a bit more impressive.
36:48And that's like how you rank, the more longer your crime and the more bad it is, like the higher
36:53you
36:53rank really. So I remember thinking, I could actually do a better charge next time. So if anything,
37:00I was kind of waiting to go back. There was a big gap between the first and the second time
37:04I went
37:04to prison, 18 and 19. It wasn't until I was 24 in the end that I was, I went back.
37:11I wasn't in the
37:11Young Offenders anymore. I was in the adult prison and a bit more mature. It still had the same effect
37:16because I could say what you went for still happens. And I was able to say, grieve is probably harm.
37:20It's just enough to say, okay, he's just a standard offense. And also, you know, he can fight.
37:26So that was, I was remember thinking, this is perfect. I didn't have any like
37:32opportunity to connect with people in prison because it's just very transactional. People
37:35are coming from different wings, different prisons in and out getting released coming in. So,
37:38you know, you, you, you form people that you get acquainted with and you, you know, you talk to,
37:44but it's just, you know, so surface level, you know, so I decided to do maths and English whilst I
37:49was in
37:49there. And the only reason I did that was because they pay you. You can only spend £15.50 a
37:55week,
37:55maximum, even if you're a multimillionaire, because everyone's got to be the same on your toiletries,
37:59your stamps, your food, your snacks, everything. But I didn't even have that. So I needed to get
38:06paid and they pay you £10 to work, like cleaning the wing or £11 for education. So that's why I
38:16went
38:16to education, to be honest, for the extra pound a week. I was 24 at this point, but I was
38:20acting
38:21like a child. Like I would screw the paper up, throw it around, you know, I'm not doing this
38:24. The prison tutor, Susie, lovely lady. And she just came and sat down next to me and she just
38:31said,
38:31what's the matter? I actually don't think anyone had asked me that before. And I said, I don't
38:36understand. And that was really confusing because I'd like vocalizing these sort of subconscious
38:41thoughts that I'd never even really explored just from simple questioning. And I thought,
38:47how do I not even know I understand? Because I've not even looked up at the board. You know,
38:50I don't even know what you're teaching me, but how do I say I understand? And then kind of for
38:54a few
38:55different thoughts and questions and chats, I realized it's kind of more of a not wanting my
39:00dad to be right because he would call me a buffoon and stupid. So I thought I was. I was
39:05convinced I was
39:06stupid and, you know, incapable of learning. So I wouldn't even try. It was just this weird confusion
39:11thing that I wasn't even aware of. That's how crazy it is. It just happens. And through
39:16understanding it a little bit, I thought I can give it a try. And I started to learn maths and
39:19English and pick it up quickly because it was simple. And that was a big turning point where I
39:24was like, maybe I could. And I said to the prison tutor, Susie, I said, do you think I could
39:27go to
39:27university? And I was, I was almost like expecting her to go, don't be so stupid. Of course you can't,
39:31you know, because that's what I thought. I left school, I was expelled at 15, but we could leave
39:36at 16 back then. And she just looked at me and she just said, of course you can. And
39:44I believed her actually. I thought, actually, you actually believe I can. So that gave me a goal. I
39:49said, right, I'm going to get out of here. I'm going to go to rehab and I'm going to go
39:52to university.
39:53Do you think that had she come 10 years earlier, it would have had the same impact on you?
39:59I mean, I would have liked to have Susie in my life sooner. I think that would have been
40:02uh, definitely advantageous, but who knows? You know, they say you, you can take a horse to
40:07water, but you can't make it drink. Maybe that was the perfect time in my life where
40:10she needed to intervene and give me that clarity. And maybe I would have, because to be honest,
40:15I was dismissive of help. Like it would have probably been presented itself to me because I
40:18remember like when I had this breakthrough moment inside prison, uh, where I realized that I wanted to
40:23change and I could change everything started becoming different. I see signs on the wall
40:28for therapy and AA meetings and stuff that I didn't see before. It's like my brain was actually
40:33like an NLP. We talk about it, deleting, distorting, generalizing information through our filters.
40:38And it's a real thing. Like I was, it's not my perspective of the world. My world was physically
40:43different from changing my, my, um, changing myself, changing my thoughts. So the moment I
40:49decided I wanted to work on myself, I saw these opportunities and all these people that wanted
40:53to help. And when they did approach me to help me, I would, I would engage with it and I
40:57would
40:57realize that they were very helpful, but before I just brushing off, brushing off, ignoring it,
41:01ignoring it. So, you know, who knows? Susie could have come into my life earlier and it could have
41:05helped or maybe it wouldn't have been the right time. I did this rehabilitation of addictive
41:15prisoners trust program inside prison. And that was a game changer. That was, it was so basic,
41:19but enough to give me a glimpse of what I could learn. When I was about to be released after
41:24nine
41:25months, I applied for this six months fully intensive rehabilitation treatment center in Portsmouth,
41:30right on the South coast, hours and hours away from where I'm from. And you can go to this full
41:34rehab,
41:35and then you can like resettle there and get housing allowance and start a new life.
41:39I got released from prison. They picked me up, they escorted me right down to, to rehab. And
41:46that was worse than prison because it was not the lovely retreat with yoga and mindfulness that I was
41:51sort of thinking in my head. It was this break you down. Let's get all the trauma out. Let's rebuild
41:56you. Let's tell you how bad this is. Let's get you out of denial. Let's make this uncomfortable.
42:01All I wanted to focus on is my recovery. So I knew that was the first thing I needed to
42:04fix.
42:04If I can fix the drug and alcohol, that's going to let me clear,
42:07like think clearly and give me the space to do everything else. So that was my number one
42:10priority. I can't tell you exactly how that breakthrough moment happens. I think sometimes
42:14they did say they happen out of nowhere. It's just like a moment that just clicks.
42:17It absolutely did break me down and built me back up. I've gone from a violent criminal drug addict
42:22to being a volunteer in Portsmouth, going to AA meetings on a Friday night and having a milkshake
42:28after for the enjoyment after the meeting. And I'm thinking, I can see the progress now.
42:33When I looked in the mirror and saw myself, it was just a truthful reflection. It was the version of
42:40me that's not blaming and not looking for a way out and not being in denial and just an honest
42:45representation of we are where we are, Lewis. And you are the problem. You have to accept that,
42:51but you have to also accept that once you realize you're the problem, you're also the solution. We
42:55can make changes.
43:02So my dad, in the end, he was an alcoholic, by the way, and he got pancreatic cancer from that.
43:10And I didn't know how to process that at the time, but he lost all of his weight and become
43:13very old
43:13very quickly. And he got a terminal diagnosis. And I just distanced myself from it because I didn't
43:16know how to deal with it. So he went to the hospital. And then the next day we went to
43:20visit him.
43:20And the nurse hadn't let me know that he died. So I walked straight in through the room and I
43:24just
43:25saw him dead. And that was just a very, very shocking moment. But then I just suppressed
43:30everything. And I just went out and took drugs and took alcohol and just life went on and suppressed
43:34all that. Because there was emotion from those things, for sure. Like I didn't experience that
43:38one because I definitely blocked that out, but... Did you go to the funeral? Yeah. Yeah. How was the funeral?
43:52I thought it was a funeral. I really... The worst... I know, that's too far. I was going to... No,
43:59I'll be honest. The first thought that came to my mind was boring, but that's... It's because they're
44:03all the same, aren't they? Because again, I don't really get the concept of things like that.
44:08My dad's my biggest trauma. I did say like the girlfriend hit me the hardest, but I think my dad's
44:13the biggest trauma. Like I know that his words affected me the most and there's definitely
44:18something unresolved there. I've done a lot of work on it. I think there's more to do.
44:21I wouldn't say it's chapter closed. I say it's put neatly, nicely in a box at the point where it's
44:27at a good position now. And it felt good to work on it, but I've got more to do. I've
44:31done all sorts
44:32of therapy, psychotherapy, the rehab, the... You know, all sorts of things from a mindset perspective.
44:37And I became very strong in my mindset, I believe, but there was still a lot of healing
44:42and a lot of emotional work that I wanted to do. So I did try all sorts of different
44:48unconventional things like plant medicines in Bali, like all sorts of different things like
44:54somatic work and energy healing. And the one that really worked was breath work. And over the last
44:59five years, I've been writing a book and it's called Unlimited, how to turn adversity into an asset.
45:05And that's the key message is how to take anything that's ever happened to you or any negative trait
45:09or flaw or thing you've done and how to use that for positive and how to use that as something
45:15that
45:15you can actually be grateful for. Not only to relieve that mental burden, but also to actually use
45:20the assets and the resources that are available to you because you don't realize that they are
45:25in disguise some of your best traits. Like I never would have thought that my psychopathic traits
45:30would help me become a millionaire. But they are there and there are clues in success that aren't
45:35often shared because they're controversial. There are many successful people who have become success
45:40in a certain way, but then teach it in a different way because they can't really share what they've
45:45actually done. But I'm actually completely okay with saying, this is how it is. I'm maturing,
45:50I'm learning new things. That's recalibrating the way in the perspectives I have. Or I'm remembering other
45:56things or I get interviewed and asked different questions that trigger different things on my mind.
46:00For now, I'm content knowing that I'm developing, I'm being successful. I have the significance that
46:05I've been craving all my life in a positive way that is sustainable. Like if anyone ever told me
46:10that I'd be on TV, doctor, millionaire, all these crazy things, I would think you are crazy because I
46:18would have been happy with a stable job and not taking drugs. So of course I'm happy about it. Does
46:22it give me
46:23that real deep internal content, fulfillment, happiness that, yeah, I've made it and I'm who I am?
46:28No. Can I get there? I hope so. Am I there yet? Not sure. But I'm on an ever evolving
46:33quest. Like
46:34I'm 10 years into this journey, but I'm 36 years old. I've got another, you know, hopefully over 50,
46:3960, 70, 100 years, who knows, to keep on evolving.
46:44Hi, I'm a producer and authorised account. If you enjoyed this video, then please subscribe
46:48and comment with more topics that you'd like us to cover in this series.
46:54I'll see you next time.
46:55Bye.
46:58Bye.
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