- 16 hours ago
First broadcast 17th October 2014.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Jack Whitehall
Victoria Coren Mitchell
Lloyd Langford
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Jack Whitehall
Victoria Coren Mitchell
Lloyd Langford
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:01Evening!
00:03Evening!
00:04Welcome to QI.
00:06Tonight we're leaping our way through language and literature.
00:10Lurking in my labyrinth are the loquacious Jack Whitehall,
00:17the logomaniac Lloyd Langford,
00:24the learned Victoria Coran Mitchell,
00:30and the long-suffering Alan Davis.
00:37So, let's hear your lines.
00:41Jack goes...
00:43I wandered lonely as a cloud.
00:46Lloyd goes...
00:49That floats on high o'er vales and hills.
00:53Victoria goes...
00:55When all at once I saw a crowd.
00:57And Alan goes...
01:05Oh dear.
01:06Let's start with a nice easy one.
01:08In fact, this one is so easy, I'm going to ask the audience.
01:11Have you read 1984?
01:12Hands up if you read 1984.
01:15Wow, that's pretty good.
01:16How many...
01:16How many...
01:17Yeah.
01:20The fact is, research on several occasions show that at least a quarter of the people who claim to have
01:26read 1984 are lying.
01:29So, I'm afraid we have to take points away from you.
01:33Can you put your hand up if you said you'd read it, but actually secretly you haven't?
01:37Oh, come on.
01:38Come on.
01:39You look very sick.
01:41Yes.
01:41The honest man at the back has earned some more... the audience.
01:45I have to confess here, I studied at English at university, I haven't read it.
01:49I should hope not.
01:50What kind of English degree would include something written as late as 1928?
01:53Well, that's true.
01:54Yes, we read things written in 1370, but...
01:58I kind of felt I didn't need to, which is an appalling thing to say.
02:00Oh, it's terribly good, Steven.
02:03Well, I kind of...
02:03I know...
02:04What are all the TV shows named after it?
02:07Two at least, Room 101 and Big Brother.
02:10Oh, that's a room of mine.
02:11Oh, sorry!
02:14I know how it opens.
02:15It opens with the clock striking 13.
02:17I know the character's called Winston.
02:18It's really good, and they made a film of it with John Hurt.
02:20Yeah.
02:20It's hard to bother, isn't it, when there's a great film of a book.
02:23I was the same with A Muppet Christmas Carol.
02:27I mean, it's been done.
02:28Right, why would you bother?
02:28I know what the turkey does in the story.
02:33It is a masterpiece of a film, it has to be said.
02:35I lie a lot to impress people, and I'll be honest now,
02:39I have never read The Hungry Caterpillar.
02:42I get so close to the end, and I get too emotional.
02:45I'm like, he's going to die.
02:46He's overfed himself.
02:47I can't do it, and I stop.
02:49So I just pretend that I've read it.
02:50No, no, he becomes a butterfly.
02:52I don't know what happens.
02:52Is he Kaiser?
02:55Spoiler! Spoiler!
02:58I'm so sorry, that was wrong of me.
03:00When I knew someone who gave away the end of Psycho,
03:03it's nearly as serious as that.
03:05There are some books that you don't need to bother reading,
03:07like good books that you don't need to bother reading.
03:09Like, it's controversial to say it,
03:11but I don't think Harry Potter is worth reading.
03:14It is so expertly narrated on the audiobooks.
03:18It's very useful, right?
03:19I know.
03:19It is!
03:20It is!
03:21I mean...
03:25See, but I do, after I listen to the Harry Potter books,
03:28with you narrating them,
03:30everything in my life is narrated by Stephen Fry.
03:32All my thoughts, my internal monologue,
03:34is now Stephen Fry's voice.
03:36Even the dirty thoughts of Stephen Fry's voice.
03:38No!
03:39Because it makes it acceptable.
03:41I had a sexual thought the other day,
03:42I put my hand in the air,
03:43I had a sexual thought about Camilla Parker Bowles.
03:45It didn't seem weird,
03:45because Stephen was saying to me.
03:48All right, let's go back to Orwell.
03:50I'll give you a point if you know his real name,
03:52the name he was born under.
03:53Blair.
03:54Blair is right.
03:55You said it first.
03:55Yeah?
03:57Eric Arthur Blair.
03:58Very good.
03:58Eric Blair.
03:59And he wrote, I think, his masterpiece,
04:02which I've certainly read many times,
04:03which is his allegory, his fable.
04:06Animal Farm.
04:07Animal Farm.
04:08And that was published during the war,
04:11and that was rather difficult.
04:12And do you know the famous poet-publisher
04:14who turned it down?
04:17No.
04:17Ah.
04:19His name is an anagram of toilets?
04:21Do T.S. Eliot?
04:21T.S. Eliot is the right answer.
04:23Yes, he turned it down because he thought it was pro-Trotsky
04:26and anti-Stalin, and Stalin, of course, was our great ally
04:29in the Second World War.
04:30And now, of course, he's considered a masterpiece.
04:33Well, there we are.
04:34It really is.
04:34The second best animal-based piece of literature.
04:37The first being...
04:38Hungry Caterpillar.
04:39Oh!
04:41What am I thinking of?
04:42I mean...
04:45Now, I should say that there's a bonus hidden
04:47in tonight's programme,
04:49and that is what we call the spend-a-penny bonus.
04:56APPLAUSE
04:56That's it.
04:57There will be one question, at least, tonight,
05:00whose theme...
05:03whose theme is lavatorial.
05:05And if you think that the answer is something to do
05:08with the lavatory, then you wave and you spend your penny.
05:11I'm going to keep mine and use it in one of those arcades.
05:14LAUGHTER
05:14That's a very good idea.
05:16Now, here's a lovely list of Victorian slang.
05:19What do these L words mean?
05:21You've got lollygagging or lollygagging,
05:23last shake of the bag, land of Scots, land of cakes,
05:26lemon squash party.
05:27I know, er, lollygagging.
05:29Yeah.
05:29That's when you, er, squeeze too hard at the bottom of eucalyptus.
05:33Oh!
05:38Followed by brain freeze.
05:40Well, if you do that, and you squeeze too hard,
05:42then it comes right out of the tube,
05:43but you can't deal with it all.
05:45What do you do?
05:46Do you bite it off?
05:47You lollygag.
05:50That's why we're earning Shabbat.
05:51LAUGHTER
05:54That's a very odd thing to see you do that again.
05:58LAUGHTER
06:01A leg maniac is one of those people whose leg twitches
06:03when they're sitting in a chair.
06:05It would be a good name for them.
06:06I used to do that terribly as a teenager,
06:07just the end is bouncing.
06:09I've been doing it all shows.
06:11LAUGHTER
06:11It's very hard to stop once you start, isn't it?
06:13It's so hard, and now I'm thinking about it.
06:15Oh, I don't think about it.
06:16Stephen Fry's thinking about it.
06:17LAUGHTER
06:18You should roll with it,
06:19because Michael Flatley made a living out of that.
06:23LAUGHTER
06:24I know one of them.
06:25Yes, you say it.
06:26Lando Cakes is Robert Burns, isn't it?
06:28Yes, you're absolutely right.
06:29Scotland.
06:29He's talking about Scotland, yeah.
06:30Scotland, good.
06:31But Lando Scots, you'd think, would be Scotland,
06:33but it isn't.
06:34It's actually heaven.
06:36Go figure.
06:37Learning shopper, you might guess.
06:39Teacher.
06:39Yes, quite right.
06:40You know a bit about that.
06:41Yes, can I have a point?
06:42Yes, you certainly can.
06:44LAUGHTER
06:46Lallygagging is very hard to guess, actually.
06:48You either know it or you don't, really.
06:50It means to flirt, Jack.
06:52Oh, yes.
06:53Flirting.
06:53I did a bit of flirting, didn't I, last time I was on?
06:55You did.
06:56You lallygagged.
06:56I decided, because it was very awkward when the show went out, and I had a very long conversation with
07:01my father.
07:02And I watched that.
07:03Have you got something to tell me, Jack?
07:04No, I look very, I look back at him, and to be honest, I look desperate for your affection.
07:09LAUGHTER
07:09So, seemingly I've decided to deploy a little bit of carrot and a little bit of stick.
07:13Very good.
07:14Last time, I showed you too much of my carrot.
07:17LAUGHTER
07:19A very charming carrot it was, too.
07:21Now, here's a problem.
07:22Yeah.
07:23You've just explained that we can wave this little fan if we think it's lavatorial.
07:26I'm looking at Last Shake of the Bag and Lemon Squash Party.
07:31Mmm.
07:32And I'm thinking, I really hope not.
07:34Lemon Squash Party looks like something you could put into the internet and find...
07:38LAUGHTER
07:41Tennis squares.
07:42Yes.
07:43It wouldn't be cordial.
07:44Is it a political party?
07:44It's not a political party.
07:46It's part of a movement that was very popular in the 19th century, a rather dull movement to many of
07:50us, perhaps.
07:51The bag...
07:52It's very straightforward.
07:54Temperance.
07:54Temperance.
07:54It is an all-male party where only Lemon Squash was served.
07:58It's that simple.
07:59I mean, we've all had a Lemon Squash party.
08:01LAUGHTER
08:02It's the party that comes after the after party.
08:05LAUGHTER
08:05Last Shake of the Bag.
08:07That's my favourite.
08:07Is that...
08:09Is that...
08:09Is it like...
08:11Something to do with...
08:12You like...
08:13Your...
08:14Your...
08:15LAUGHTER
08:16LAUGHTER
08:17No, no.
08:17Is it like your last child?
08:19Last child?
08:20Your youngest child?
08:21Because it's the last bag.
08:21The last shake of the bag.
08:23Was that great?
08:24It's a terrific phrase.
08:26Meet Benjamin.
08:27He's my last shake of the bag.
08:30Er, yes, you had teacher.
08:32Leg maniac is the only one we haven't covered and it's just really an eccentric dancer, rather frenzied dancer.
08:37A leg maniac.
08:38I was right with Flutley then.
08:40Yes, you were, basically.
08:41They're rather pleasing.
08:43I'm particularly sorry, the last shake of the bag's gone out of the language.
08:45Now, without mincing words, what is this?
08:48Ah, I have to be rather like us, the family.
08:50It's going to come into view.
08:53Ah...
08:55Toilet.
08:56Yes!
08:57Wouldn't be more lavatorial, would it?
09:00But...
09:00But you have to answer the question.
09:02What is it?
09:03What do you mean, what is it?
09:04Without mincing words, what is it?
09:05Oh, it's going to be a trick one, like, it's a set of weights.
09:08No.
09:12It's a toilet.
09:13No!
09:15Lavatory.
09:16Lavatory.
09:17Lavatory.
09:18Bob.
09:19Water closet.
09:20We've had lavatory, toilet, water closet, shitter.
09:25Water closet we had.
09:26Water closet.
09:27Do we have water closet?
09:29A wall-bounded flushable...
09:33Yes, excrement receiver.
09:34Yes.
09:35The point is, there is no word for it that isn't a euphemism.
09:38Because toilet comes from twirl, meaning towel.
09:41You know, that's where we get our word towel.
09:42Well, I always wee in a towel, so...
09:44Well, in that case, it's realistic.
09:46A lavatory is from lavare, the Latin for to wash, so it's a bit like saying the washroom,
09:50which is a very American euphemism that we find silly.
09:54A water closet just means a cupboard with water in it, running water.
09:57Although, to be fair, there are all sorts of words for which there's nothing that isn't a euphemism.
10:01I mean, kitchen, we don't have a word cook pot place.
10:04We're not German.
10:05No, that's right.
10:05I mean, all language is metaphorical and, to some extent, hedges around.
10:09Why has that one at the top been, um...
10:12The interior looks like it's been done with one of Noel Edmonds' shirts?
10:17Doesn't it?
10:18Exactly.
10:19It's a crinkly bottom one.
10:20I never sense.
10:22So, there is no actual word for the little boy's room that isn't a you-know-what.
10:26What suggestions do you have for the last line of this limerick?
10:31There was an old person of Chile whose conduct was painful and silly.
10:35He sat on the stairs eating apples and pears...
10:37Byron Pips out of his willy.
10:50I don't think that can be improved upon.
10:52It certainly wasn't improved upon by the author of that limerick, who was...
10:56George Orwell.
10:59Eric Lear.
11:00Eric Lear.
11:00Eric Lear, as Victor rightly said, who sort of popularised the form.
11:04And, but he had one fatal flaw in his limerick writing, which was, do you know?
11:08He didn't know the word willy.
11:08Was the last line the same as the first?
11:09The last line was more or less the second.
11:11Is it that boring old person of Chile?
11:12Basically, it is.
11:13Yeah.
11:13As you will see, it is that imprudent old person of Chile.
11:18I think you'll all agree that Alan's version is a lot better.
11:22The firing pips out of the willy is a lot funnier.
11:25Yes.
11:27On the other hand, less Victorian.
11:28He was sort of around the latter half of the 1970s.
11:32That is an entirely pointless thing to write down.
11:33It is.
11:34But it popularised the form.
11:36I mean, there are other versions of his.
11:38They're all...
11:38It's not painful and silly, is it?
11:40To be imprudent.
11:41No.
11:42It's painful and silly to put the pips in your willy.
11:44Oh, it's okay.
11:46I think we're all with you, Alan.
11:49Why has he not thought...
11:50He hasn't thought of a painful and silly thing to do...
11:52He hasn't thought it through.
11:52...that's related to apples and pears and being on the stairs.
11:55He just says he's imprudent.
11:56But there's nothing in that that's...
11:58There's nothing imprudent in the previous four lines.
12:00The thing is, apples and pears is rhyming slang for stairs.
12:04Anyway.
12:05Yeah, he's eating the stairs.
12:06He's eating the stairs.
12:09He's sat on the stairs eating the apples and pears.
12:12He's firing splinters out of his willy.
12:15And also, it's chile.
12:17Chile.
12:18This doesn't rhyme with silly.
12:19Well, unless you say sile.
12:20Sile.
12:23Which is how I pronounce it.
12:26Well, anyway, there are other versions you might be able to finish.
12:28There was an old man with a gong.
12:30Who...
12:32Who bumped at it all day long.
12:35They called out, oh, law.
12:36You're a horrid old boar.
12:37Put up your trousers, you're doing it wrong.
12:41It sounds like that new Coldplay song.
12:45Very good.
12:46Which, if you haven't heard it, sounds like any Coldplay song.
12:51Well, so it's going to be, you're a horrible old boar,
12:54you silly old man with a gong.
12:56Basically, yeah.
12:57This guy's shit.
12:58He is.
13:00You can see his original...
13:01These are like Lil Wayneers.
13:03So they smashed that old man with a gong.
13:04They smashed him with the gong?
13:05Yeah.
13:06Why did they do that?
13:09Because he was a horrid old boar.
13:10Well, just take the gong away.
13:12Yeah.
13:14When you got the gong from the old man, the problem's solved.
13:18No one will annoy you with the gong anymore.
13:20There's no point then, smash to smash him with the gong
13:22is a greater crime than to hit the gong,
13:25regardless of whether he does it all day long.
13:27Also, move away.
13:29Go out of earshot when you can't hit the gong.
13:32No excuse for assaulting.
13:33Your outrage is commendable.
13:35Well, let's try another one.
13:36There was a young lady of pool whose soup was excessively cool,
13:41so she put it to boil by the aid of some oil.
13:44It was a recipe from Heston Blumenthal.
13:46Hey!
13:50Very good.
13:52I like it.
13:54Ran off with a man called Raul.
13:56Because in Spain, they dig that shit.
13:59That's true, they do with oil.
14:00But once they got the soup up to boiling point,
14:02they poured it over her.
14:06Because you know how violent they are in the world of Edward Lear now.
14:09You've got it.
14:09So let's actually see what the answer was.
14:11The brilliant last line was,
14:13that ingenious young lady of pool.
14:14She's not ingenious, because...
14:16No.
14:16Adding oil doesn't make something boil.
14:18I mean, I'm not a chef.
14:19No.
14:19But I think it's the application of heat, really.
14:22The young lady of pool needs it.
14:24Do you watch Gogglebox?
14:26Yeah, yes.
14:27I'll never miss it.
14:28They were watching Heston Blumenthal,
14:30there's a German guy who's a regular,
14:32and they said,
14:32what's that German name?
14:33And he said,
14:33and they said,
14:35what's it mean?
14:36And he said,
14:36Flower Valley.
14:37Sorry.
14:38Sorry.
14:42Anyway, the point is,
14:44Bloomin' is Flower,
14:45and Tal is Valley, right?
14:46But he said,
14:48Wally.
14:48And he really cannot say these,
14:50he just can't say these,
14:52and even his own wife thought he'd said Willie.
14:54Ha!
14:55And then she was saying,
14:57Flower, will you?
14:57I thought he said,
14:58Flower, will you?
14:58Really laughing.
14:59And he just wasn't laughing at all.
15:02A smile about it.
15:03No.
15:04I said, Wally.
15:05I said, Wally.
15:07My grandfather was like that.
15:08I used to drive along,
15:08he used to go,
15:09What a wonderful village.
15:12You can say wonderful,
15:14and you can say village.
15:15You can say what?
15:15Why can't you say village?
15:17What's wrong with them?
15:17That was my point.
15:19And you go,
15:19oh, stop it.
15:20Whereas if I,
15:20if I was talking a German to him,
15:22and if,
15:22if I were to say,
15:24Woe ist der Postante?
15:25Where is the post office?
15:26He would say,
15:26What, what is,
15:27what is the matter with you?
15:28What, what are you saying?
15:29Woe.
15:30It is,
15:31It is Woe ist der Postante.
15:32I'd say,
15:32well don't say,
15:33what is the matter with me then?
15:34He's still,
15:35I told for this shit.
15:40Very, very good.
15:45So,
15:46there was a very popular comedian,
15:49who sadly is no longer with us,
15:51who was famous for his collection of vulgar postcards,
15:53McGill Postcards,
15:54who also adored the limerick form,
15:56and he annotated his edition of Edward Lear.
15:59Who, who do you think I'm thinking of?
16:00Do you know who collected?
16:01Bob Monkhouse.
16:02No, but...
16:03That generation...
16:05Ronnie...
16:06Parker.
16:07Parker, yes.
16:08So, a copy of Lear's nonsense verses
16:09has recently auctioned
16:10that had his annotations in,
16:12and he'd handwritten his own little opening verse.
16:15There was an old fossil named Lear,
16:17whose verses were boring and drear,
16:19his last lines were worse,
16:20just the same as the first,
16:21so I've tried to improve on them here.
16:24It's good for him, isn't it?
16:26So, let's get some more points
16:28by saying,
16:28to forgive Edward Lear,
16:30I used to know him better,
16:31and what was his first,
16:33and greatest achievement?
16:34It wasn't poetry,
16:35despite the Pobble who had no toes,
16:37and the Owl and the Pussycat,
16:39which are wonderful poems.
16:40Was it the, uh, jet?
16:46It's a nice thought.
16:47He wasn't a poet primarily,
16:48he was something else.
16:49A cook.
16:50A racing driver.
16:53Well, do you want to know you don't?
16:54He was a painter.
16:56He was particularly an ornithol...
16:59Ornithol...
17:09Orn...
17:18I love it.
17:18You're still the same, look,
17:19he started with a parrot,
17:20and he's ended with a parrot.
17:21He's just playing all the cards.
17:23That's what held you back in the limerick game.
17:26And it's holding you back in the painting game as well.
17:28Open your eyes!
17:28Open your eyes!
17:30LAUGHTER
17:32I think it's going to be Al.
17:33The elves just heard one of the limericks.
17:35Yeah.
17:36LAUGHTER
17:41Well, David Attenborough described him as the greatest British ornithological painter there was.
17:45And he certainly was incredibly accurate,
17:46and in the time before photography,
17:48extraordinarily useful.
17:49Well, I mean, he was quite accurate.
17:50The, the second...
17:52LAUGHTER
17:53No, he did comic ones too.
17:54The second from the left,
17:55I think he started off doing a dolphin.
17:59LAUGHTER
18:02True.
18:03He had a cat called Foss,
18:04of whom he was so fond,
18:06that when he was forced to move from the area,
18:07and he went to another area,
18:09he did something quite remarkable.
18:10Can you imagine what it is?
18:11Stuffed it.
18:12No.
18:13He certainly wouldn't want to see it dead.
18:14He loved it very much.
18:15He built a house in the second place
18:18that was identical to the house it had come from,
18:20so the cat would feel at home.
18:22The cat sat on the mat.
18:24It was fat.
18:25The cat.
18:30There we are.
18:31It's not going to be worse, is it?
18:33I think he's putting in his bid there
18:35to be the next Poet Laureate, Alan Davies.
18:37So, Lear's...
18:38Genuinely, though,
18:39it sounds like he was sort of a lunatic for symmetry.
18:41Yes.
18:42All he needed was to live in
18:43three slightly different houses
18:44in between the two identical ones.
18:46And he would have an architectural limerick.
18:48He's perfectly realised his dream.
18:49Yeah, it's true.
18:50Also, I think he would have done that
18:51to make him at home...
18:54To make himself at home,
18:55rather than the cat.
18:56Yeah, and he's gone,
18:57I've sort of done this for the cat,
18:58but secretly he's thinking,
18:59well, I know where the toilet is.
19:02LAUGHTER
19:02Same place as last place.
19:04It's true.
19:04You never know.
19:06Er...
19:06What kind of logical reasoning
19:08did Sherlock Holmes use?
19:10L...
19:10Logic there.
19:11Ooh.
19:12Lavatorial.
19:13Mm.
19:14That's not correct.
19:16LAUGHTER
19:19Lavatorial reasoning.
19:20Take me through lavatorial reasoning.
19:23LAUGHTER
19:23Yeah, you do.
19:24Because when you go to the loo,
19:26it unclogs your body and your mind.
19:27Oh, I see.
19:29It does.
19:29Yeah, when I'm at home,
19:31if I'm stressed by something,
19:33like a dishwasher,
19:34I can't load the dishwasher properly
19:35and it's not working
19:36and there's loads of bowls
19:37and I can't get them in,
19:38I'm like, Jack, take a step back,
19:40go and drop the kids off at the pool
19:41and come back to it.
19:42LAUGHTER
19:42It works.
19:43Because it does.
19:43You sit on the loo, you think,
19:44right, what's the task going to be like?
19:46How am I going to attack this?
19:47Let's work out a game plan,
19:48a strategy.
19:49You deploy the troops,
19:50come back,
19:51and I'm slamming those plates in like Tetris.
19:54LAUGHTER
20:02Oh, I see.
20:06Sorry.
20:08What?
20:09I thought you were a bit young.
20:10I thought you were a bit young.
20:11I thought you were a bit young.
20:12I thought you were a bit young to have children
20:12you could just drop off at the pool.
20:14That means...
20:14Why did I take you to the pool?
20:15That means have a poo.
20:16LAUGHTER
20:17I didn't know that meant have a poo.
20:19LAUGHTER
20:21I like that.
20:22That's quite a good one.
20:24The logic is good as well.
20:25But we have no evidence that that's used.
20:28But we do know, from the books,
20:30the kind of logic you use.
20:31There are different sorts of logic.
20:32Well, now,
20:33if you eliminate the impossible,
20:35you're left with the possible.
20:36Yes, if everything...
20:38LAUGHTER
20:40Deduction.
20:40No.
20:41Not deduction.
20:42Oh, yes!
20:44LAUGHTER
20:47Deduction is essentially reasoning
20:48something which is unchallengeable.
20:51It must be true.
20:52You're given a set of premises,
20:53and the deduction is true.
20:55So if you say all humans are mortal,
20:57Alan Davis is human.
20:59We can say that.
21:01Therefore, Alan Davis is mortal.
21:03That's just simply an absolute fact.
21:06It must be true.
21:06Oh, that's disappointing.
21:07If those two premises are true,
21:08then the synthesis must be true as well.
21:10That abductive reasoning
21:11would be saying something like...
21:14Um...
21:14Uh-oh.
21:15I saw Alan Davis in an Arsenal scarf.
21:18I am...
21:18He always cries when Arsenal lose.
21:20I saw Alan crying.
21:22Therefore, Arsenal just lost.
21:23Now, that isn't certainly true,
21:25but it's the kind of logic
21:26that Sherlock Holmes used.
21:27Not absolutely certain and definite
21:29to be true,
21:30but he was nearly always right.
21:32He reasoned abductively.
21:33So that's the sort he used.
21:36Oh.
21:36You are.
21:37What's his great phrase?
21:38What's the famous phrase?
21:39Burn, Ant! Burn!
21:53That's fantastic.
21:55You know this was painted by Edward Lear?
22:00So, anyway, the famous phrase that he is associated with,
22:03of course...
22:04I only meant to...
22:05I only meant to...
22:06He never said it.
22:09But I will give you points if you will know
22:10where it first appeared in literature.
22:12It was in 1915 by a truly great writer
22:14who actually knew and played cricket with Conan Doyle
22:16and was a huge fan of his
22:18and in some ways based his two most famous characters
22:20on the relationship between Holmes and Watson.
22:23One of them a bit of a blitherer,
22:24the other one incredibly intelligent.
22:26Jeeves and Worcester.
22:26Oh, Jeeves and Worcester, yes.
22:28P.G. Woodhouse.
22:28So it was P.G. Woodhouse,
22:29but it was in fact in another series of his books,
22:31the Smith series, there he is,
22:33called Smith Journalist in 1915 set in New York.
22:36Doesn't look like a humorist there, does he?
22:37He was a charming, sweet man and just a real pro.
22:41He was also a prisoner of war, wasn't he?
22:44So he would look gloomy some of the time.
22:45Indeed, when he was...
22:46Yes, he was taken to Upper Silesia
22:48and as he pointed, he said,
22:50this is Upper Silesia,
22:51God knows what Lower Silesia might look like.
22:54Anyway, he came up with the phrase,
22:56that I meant my dear wasn't.
22:56I mean, he just...
22:57as if it was a sort of phrase.
22:59Sherlock Holmes practiced abduction, not deduction.
23:02Now to the universal language of laughter.
23:04Who likes clowns?
23:07Um...
23:07Another one?
23:09UKIP supporters.
23:11LAUGHTER
23:12Well, hey!
23:13Because they are kind of like clowns,
23:15UKIP politicians.
23:16They're kind of fun and comical and wear silly clothes,
23:18but they're also terrifying.
23:20Yes.
23:22APPLAUSE
23:26Well, they also have a lot of white faces.
23:30LAUGHTER
23:33Very good.
23:37Well, the certain answer is...
23:38No, well, I'm just trying to work out who likes clowns
23:40and thinking, well, it's certainly not children or adults.
23:43You're right.
23:44So basically, other clowns is probably the only answer
23:46we can come up with.
23:47Or sort of other people that work in the circus.
23:49Yes.
23:49Because they're not going to be anybody's least favourite thing,
23:51as long as there are clowns on the bill.
23:53That's true.
23:53I mean, I like the cars that fall apart,
23:55and some of the gags they do vaguely,
23:57but the actual make-up and the whole smear, as it were,
24:01is pretty disturbing.
24:02And children, it's been shown, do not like them.
24:05LAUGHTER
24:06There was a study in 2008 that showed that children
24:09were more frightened than in any way healed or smoothed or helped.
24:12But all children are frightened.
24:13So that may mean that clowns don't know what laughter sounds like.
24:18They just think the screams of terrified children are laughter.
24:22That did really well.
24:23Because it's all I never heard.
24:23They screamed wonderfully, yeah, I know.
24:25P. Diddy is afraid of clowns.
24:27Is he?
24:28Yeah.
24:28There is a so-called word for it, do you know it?
24:31Chlorophobic.
24:32Yes, you're right.
24:33Though, unfortunately, and I don't mean this as a personal slight,
24:36it's not in the OED,
24:38and if you look it up in the online etymology dictionary,
24:40it says, it looks suspiciously like the sort of thing
24:43that idle pseudo-intellectuals invent on the internet
24:45and which every smarty-pants takes up thereafter.
24:48It's supposed to come from coal on his limb
24:50from a stilt-walker, possibly,
24:52and the Greek for clown is clune, which comes from English.
24:54So, if anything, it'd just be clunophobia, or just...
24:57No, that's the fear of Martin Clunes.
24:59LAUGHTER
25:00Which is an actual real thing.
25:02That's terrifying.
25:03Because of those ears, those flapping ears.
25:05I remember when he was starting out,
25:07I don't remember what we were doing, we were in the same place,
25:08and he picked up a magazine, said,
25:10Oh, God, I think there's an interview with me in this.
25:12And the first line of the interview is, you know,
25:15six foot tall, with a tweed jacket,
25:17Stephen Fry, dot, dot, dot, you know,
25:19and twinkly, with a pert little body, Jack Whitehall.
25:23LAUGHTER
25:25And the one of Martin Clunes just started,
25:28he said, face like a torn arse.
25:31LAUGHTER
25:33It was so unfair.
25:35He's got this round, sweet, beautiful face.
25:38Actually, women fall from...
25:39Torn arse.
25:40Arse, I know.
25:41I'm trying to visualise a torn arse.
25:43Not good.
25:44Well, I can help with that as well.
25:46No, no, no, no, no.
25:48Since around 2,500 BC, clowns have been known and written about,
25:52but the first famous one in Britain, do you know?
25:54Who it might have been in the 18th century, 17...
25:57Born in 1778, really, the 19th century, actually.
25:59I know, actually.
26:00Yes, go on.
26:02Joseph Grimaldi?
26:03Grimaldi is the right answer, Joseph Grimaldi.
26:05Well, well, well, well, well, well.
26:07Oh, my God.
26:10Well...
26:10It's said that one in eight Londoners saw him perform.
26:13There's a Grimaldi Park in Islington, not far...
26:16Yeah.
26:16...from where lots of his chops lived.
26:18Who's that? Eric Blair.
26:19Oh, yes, Orwell, yeah, yeah.
26:20There's a famous story of someone going to see a doctor,
26:23who was, I mean, before the days of psychology,
26:25but it was a doctor who specialised in the mind,
26:27and this person said,
26:28I'm miserable, every day is horrible,
26:29I don't know what to do with myself,
26:30I can't get up in the morning,
26:31and the doctor said,
26:32well, well, I suggest going to see Grimaldi.
26:35He'll cheer you up.
26:36And the guy said,
26:37I am Grimaldi.
26:40And he was a very miserable man, Joseph.
26:42No wonder he was so depressed.
26:43It would have taken him about 45 minutes to get his coat on.
26:46That's true.
26:47Well, so his wife died in childbirth,
26:49his father was a bit of a loon,
26:51his son drank himself to death,
26:53and there was lots of misery.
26:54I am grim all day, he said of himself,
26:57Grimaldi, but I make you laugh at night.
26:59So, good, excellent.
27:01And now, in honour of Victoria,
27:02QI does only connect.
27:10The greatest programme on television after QI.
27:12Yes.
27:13Does that ring any bells with you?
27:14So, could you choose, please,
27:16an Egyptian hieroglyph?
27:17Oh, my goodness.
27:17I've never had the chance to do this before.
27:19Obviously, the Eye of Horus.
27:21Eye of Horus it is.
27:24You have to find the connection between these five things.
27:27First, John F. Kennedy, Profiles in Courage.
27:32Lots of points, of course, if you get it from one.
27:34All right.
27:35Anybody else is allowed to buzz, of course,
27:36if they think they know.
27:37He is.
27:37And the second one?
27:39Schumann theme and variations in E-flat.
27:42Hmm.
27:42Whoa.
27:47What's your patronising Jack?
27:48You can all piss off.
27:51What's it got to do with the Eye of Horus?
27:53Sure.
27:53You know, that's you choose...
27:55Have you never watched...
27:57You've never watched Only Connect?
27:59Not a whole one, no.
28:00Not a whole one?
28:02All you have to do is find what's in common.
28:04Only Connect, literally.
28:05I think the F stands for his middle name.
28:13I'm just taking notes,
28:14and then I will abduct once I've got them.
28:19I don't know about Schumann,
28:21but if I was on a team on Only Connect,
28:23I'd ask them,
28:23is it, like, the second thing they wrote?
28:26Oh, that's very good.
28:28Stephen...
28:28Stephen in my head.
28:30Is Schumann a composer?
28:33Yes.
28:35Robert Schumann.
28:36Robert Schumann.
28:38And so, let's have the third one,
28:39because I don't think you're getting it from two.
28:41John Prescott Prezza.
28:43Goodness me.
28:44Schumann's nickname is...
28:47Was that one of the Sugar Babes line-ups?
28:51So, I think we'd better have a look at the fourth one.
28:53Fewer points, but this might help.
28:56Alcoholics Anonymous and The Twelve Steps.
28:59They...
29:00The last one will give it to you.
29:01So, the last one is only for one point.
29:03Okay, hold on now.
29:06Alcoholics Anonymous...
29:07The Twelve Steps put together by two people
29:09that only have letters as surnames?
29:13You can see why I never got to the end of this.
29:16Good.
29:17No, we've seen the last one, and I think...
29:19All right, struggle for the buzzer.
29:20They all had Ghost Raiders!
29:21Yes!
29:22Yes!
29:23Yes!
29:23Yes!
29:25Come on!
29:27Well done!
29:33Well done!
29:45Steady!
29:48Steady!
29:49Whoa!
29:53You've made a happy man feel very old.
29:58So...
29:59Er...
30:00I'm going to go for a really awkward dinner with my dad now.
30:04What's your QI?
30:06Well, just too brilliant.
30:08And, of course, we've waited till the most intellectual one,
30:10Katie Price's Crystal, and you've got it, Jack.
30:12So, er...
30:13It is a great read.
30:14And your audio book of it was fantastic.
30:16Well, thank you very much.
30:19Me and Dane went on holiday to a bee pie.
30:21Have they ever Ghost Raiders?
30:22Now, that's really...
30:23That's what's so interesting, in a way,
30:24is that the Schumann and the Alcoholics Anonymous
30:26are ghost-written in a very special and different way,
30:29at least according to their authors.
30:31Bill Wilson was one of the founders of AA.
30:33And Bob W.
30:34Er, that's right.
30:35But Bill Wilson claimed that he was spoken to by a spirit,
30:38a ghost, who told him what the Twelve Steps were.
30:41Oh, well, you could say the same about all of Yeats's poetry.
30:43Well, indeed, you could.
30:45And Schumann claimed that the spirits of Schubert and Mendelssohn
30:48gave him the idea for his theme and variations in E-flat.
30:52So, this piece is actually also known as the Ghost Variations.
30:55But John Prescott's autobiography was written by Hunter Davis,
30:58Presa, who also gave us the Gazza and Wayne Rooney book.
31:02Katie Price's second novel, Crystal,
31:04outsold all seven Booker Prize nominees that year.
31:08It wasn't nominated for the Booker Prize.
31:09It wasn't actually nominated itself, though.
31:11Stunts!
31:12I know.
31:13She talks through the stories with her ghostwriter,
31:15who then writes them out.
31:16Or, as one of Price's managers put it,
31:18Katie says what she wants the story to be like,
31:21and they just put it into book words.
31:26She's been stuck in that pause for so long
31:28that a group of spiders have colonised her head.
31:32That's true.
31:33And which else?
31:34That's...
31:35Oh, yes.
31:35Ted Sorensen was JFK's speechwriter,
31:38who came up with perhaps his most famous phrase
31:41that he used in his inauguration.
31:43Ask not what you can do for your...
31:45No.
31:46What?
31:47Ask not what your country can do for you.
31:49But what?
31:52Ask not what you can do for your country.
31:53Known as a chiasmus, exactly.
31:55And a fine example of one.
31:56And that was written by Sorensen.
31:57And Ronald Reagan said of his autobiography,
31:59do you know what he said?
32:00He looked forward to reading it?
32:02Yes.
32:02I looked forward to reading it.
32:05Absolutely right.
32:06Erm...
32:07Very good.
32:08Anyway, that's all from Only Connect.
32:13APPLAUSE
32:17Right.
32:18Now, this here, you're about to see,
32:20is the longest word in literature.
32:22What do you think it means?
32:24Is it the Greek for that place in North Wales?
32:31It's the Greek for that peculiar feeling
32:34when you're trapped in a labyrinth
32:36with a man with a bull's head trying to...
32:41Minotary feeling.
32:43Minotary is an English word, of course,
32:45which means threatening,
32:46so that would be rather appropriate.
32:47Now, this is...
32:48Who's the best-known comic Greek playwright?
32:52Er...
32:52Aristophanes.
32:53Aristophanes.
32:54Their first in was Alan.
32:55And this is basically lunch.
32:57Lunch in ancient Greek.
32:58It actually means a dish of sliced fish,
33:00shark and remnants of dogfish head,
33:01forming a pungent, sharp-tasting mixture,
33:03laser wort, a crab with drizzled honey and thrush
33:06and a blackbird on top, a wood pigeon,
33:07a normal pigeon, a little baked chicken head,
33:09a dabchik, another pigeon, a hare with boiled-down wine
33:11and crunchy wings for dipping.
33:13I'll just have the soup.
33:15LAUGHTER
33:17What, no feta?
33:19No, absolutely.
33:20And not a bottle of red cina, either.
33:22Oh, I love feta-ly.
33:23That's why they went bankrupt in Greece,
33:25because it took them so long to write out the menus.
33:27LAUGHTER
33:29Talking of lunch, what do we know about the word lunch?
33:32Lunch, a good L word, lunch.
33:33Lunch on.
33:34Oh, no.
33:35Now, interestingly...
33:35Yes, luncheon has started, yes.
33:37Well, as a matter of fact, it isn't.
33:39Yes.
33:40It was lunch first,
33:42and people extended it to luncheon
33:44because they thought it sounded smarter.
33:47Quite right.
33:48It is.
33:49I've made a whole programme about this.
33:51LAUGHTER
33:53Honestly...
33:54It derives from an Anglo-Saxon word.
33:55It does derives from an Anglo-Saxon word.
33:56It does derives from an Anglo-Saxon word.
33:56From nuncheon.
33:57This is like watching two great stags
34:00mocking Angles together.
34:02It doesn't, but it doesn't.
34:03Where do you think the phrase ploughman's lunch comes from?
34:06From ploughman's having their lunch.
34:07No, it was invented by the milk marketing board.
34:10In investigating the history of that,
34:13we discovered that that's very disputed
34:16where the lunch comes from nuncheon.
34:17Well, until about the 18th century,
34:19the word nuncheon is used.
34:20You'll have a, like, nuncheon.
34:22And nuncheon has a very clear derivation.
34:24It comes from noon, as in midday, shenche,
34:27which means drink.
34:28It was literally a liquid lunch.
34:29Nuncheon.
34:30And it was changed.
34:31No-one's quite sure why it changed to luncheon,
34:33but it did change to luncheon,
34:35and then the luncheon got dropped to lunch.
34:3630, 15, fry.
34:46It's very different to see.
34:47I wish you'd been on the programme.
34:48The theory put forward was that they had been rolled together
34:52in people's minds,
34:53and lunch came from somewhere else,
34:54and it was made longer to sound smarter,
34:56and it was...
34:56So then people thought it was the same as the word luncheon,
34:59but not.
34:59I don't know of people using the word lunch
35:01before the word luncheon.
35:03That's breakfast, isn't it?
35:08Anyway, what we've got here is a picnic.
35:10Yeah.
35:12Well, let's move to less disputed areas, because I'm...
35:15Or an arm wrestle.
35:16Or an arm wrestle.
35:18Or do a Harry Hill moment.
35:21Well, there you go.
35:22And so, to the epilogue that we call general ignorance,
35:25time for fingers on buzzers, please.
35:26What comes before a fall?
35:29Puzzle!
35:31Pride.
35:32Oh!
35:37Victoria, I have to hear you.
35:40A bit of a programme about this, please.
35:42I don't know.
35:42Is this going to be something to do with Greek drama?
35:46No, no, no.
35:47It's the Book of Proverbs in the King James Bible.
35:49It says,
35:49Pride goeth before destruction,
35:51and haughty spirit before a fall.
35:54And there you are.
35:55The things that are misquoted are rather fun.
35:57There's a 2009 survey that found that the most common misquote
36:01is mispronouncing the phrase,
36:03damp squib, as damp squid.
36:07Oh, yeah, it was a bit of a damp squid.
36:09What kind of idiot would say that?
36:11What?
36:11I've definitely said that.
36:14It would mean something completely different,
36:16because you want a squid to be damp.
36:17Well, yeah, it would be horrible,
36:18but a dry squid.
36:19A damp squid would be the very best soda squid.
36:20Oh, a deep-fried squid is left, though, isn't it?
36:22Calamari.
36:23You can say that as a compliment, then.
36:24We should bring that as a compliment.
36:25If you get served that ridiculous Greek nation,
36:28it's a tasty version of it.
36:29What a damp squid!
36:31Yeah, exactly.
36:32Other things include on tender hooks instead of tenter hooks.
36:39Nipping something in the butt, which is quite...
36:43a mute point instead of a moot point.
36:44Well, that's a catch-24, isn't it?
36:48They're called egg-corns, as in from a mangling of acorns.
36:52Oh, soooops-oops!
37:02There's in lame man's terms, is used apparently.
37:05Cut to the cheese.
37:09That's good!
37:10It is, isn't it?
37:10To all intensive purposes.
37:13The feeble position instead of the fetal position.
37:16I've definitely had the feeble position.
37:20Soaping wet, which is a sort of mix between sopping wet and soaking wet, I think.
37:24Soaping wet.
37:25I was soaping wet.
37:26That sounds filthy.
37:29Giving up the goat.
37:32I think that's a Welsh one, I think.
37:36I'm so glad you put your hand out to that one.
37:38I wasn't really going to mention it.
37:39Getting your nipples in a twist.
37:42No, no, of course.
37:43Oh, Kath and Kim, they have a lot of these.
37:45They're always having things wrong.
37:46When this is hungry, she goes,
37:48I'm absolutely ravishing him.
37:52I don't know.
37:52Chickens coming home to roast, I rather like.
37:55I think they cluck themselves as they come and just lie gently on your plate.
38:00Anyway, there we are.
38:01A haughty spirit comes before a fall.
38:04How would you describe a siren's tail?
38:07It's like a fish, like a mermaid.
38:10Oh, dear.
38:13Is no one else going to play?
38:17I'm afraid not.
38:18Although, you're right, they were on the rocks when they sang.
38:22This song was so alluring.
38:24Yeah.
38:24Ships were dashed on the rocks.
38:25It's unclear why they wanted that to happen.
38:27Yeah, no, they were just wicked for some reason.
38:29They were annoyed by their lack of nipples.
38:31That was...
38:34That's probably what it was.
38:35What about nipples? I don't know.
38:37Lost my nipples.
38:38So, who managed to survive hearing the siren song, do you remember?
38:42Odysseus.
38:43Odysseus.
38:43Odysseus, also known as Ulysses.
38:44Yeah.
38:45As in the Odyssey.
38:46So, he came to hear the song, what did he do so that he could hear it?
38:49Taped it.
38:52Well, no, he taped himself, had his men...
38:54Downloaded it on high tunes.
38:57Along with the Harry Potter audiobook.
38:58He had his men tape him to the foremast of his ship
39:02and he made them plug their own ears with wax so they couldn't hear the siren song
39:05because it's such an extraordinary draw
39:08and had himself tied with his ears open and said,
39:11no matter how much I shout and scream at you and you can see my face saying, let me go.
39:15They do that at Simply Red gigs.
39:17Yeah.
39:19All the audience.
39:20You have to ignore me.
39:21So, they couldn't hear it so they carried on rowing and he was dying
39:24because he so wanted to go where this incredible sound was coming from
39:28but he was the only one who ever heard the siren song and survived, supposedly.
39:32Well, that's a charming story.
39:34Not very true, probably, but it's still charming.
39:36That actually, they were half...
39:39Fish?
39:39No, we said that. They were half bird.
39:42Bird? Yes.
39:44Ooh, sexy.
39:44They were half...
39:47Gives a whole new meaning to, are you a leg or a breast, man?
39:50Yeah.
39:54Why do I think they were half fish?
39:56I know most people do. That's really why we asked the question, I'm afraid,
39:58to trap, you know, the common view of them because they...
40:01When did mermaids get muddled up with sirens?
40:03Interesting point. I think it's because they were on the rocks by the coast,
40:06so one assumed that they had something to do with the water,
40:08but they were on land and they drew people into their rock.
40:11Anyway, what kind of poisoning could you get from one of these?
40:15Here, one of these. Here we go, I'll give you two.
40:17Lead poisoning.
40:19Whoa! Lead poisoning, you think? Is he right?
40:22He said that. He said that. Someone said that.
40:24Are you right? Lead.
40:25There's no lead in the graphite.
40:27Graphite poisoning.
40:29Stab wound.
40:32What we're doing is we're correcting ourselves,
40:34because all the way back to the A-series, we said, and I quote,
40:37there was no chance on gods or any other earth that we know of
40:39of getting lead poisoning from a pencil.
40:41And that is still true today, but the pencils I've given you are pre-1970s pencils,
40:45and the paint in them contains lead.
40:49So when I put it in my mouth just then...
40:52You have to clean...
40:53Oh, I did it again, then.
40:56You are an idiot.
40:59You would have to clean a pencil of all paint five times a week,
41:03and then eventually, and it has happened twice, you would have lead toxicity.
41:07Some people really do suck the ends of pencils, but you would really, really have to do it a long,
41:12long, long time.
41:13Lead became illegal in all household products by 1978.
41:16Anyway, now we've reached the end, and it's time to see the scores.
41:20Well, in first place, with a resoundingly clear plus nine points, it's Victoria Corrin Mitchell!
41:30Yes!
41:32In second place, in second place, with a very impressive minus two and a half, it's the audience!
41:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:43In third place, terrific, terrific debut, minus ten, Lloyd Langford!
41:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:53Ah, he can hold his head up with pride.
41:57Minus 16, Jack Whitehall!
42:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:15That's all from Victoria, Jack, Lloyd, Alan and me, and I leave you with the last words of French grammarian
42:21Dominique Bourre.
42:24I am about to, or I am going to, die.
42:27Either expression is used.
42:30Thank you, and good night.
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