- 9 hours ago
Jeff Dunham Controlled Chaos
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:03I can't believe the show starts in half an hour and Achmed's late.
00:00:06Maybe he drowned trying to visit Bin Laden's grave.
00:00:12Security?
00:00:13That's my name. Don't worry about it.
00:00:16Bubba J?
00:00:17Yeah, well, gotta go. Beer break.
00:00:19Wait, Achmed's late. Keep an eye out for him.
00:00:22Which eye?
00:00:25Where could he be?
00:00:26He went from dead terrorist to Hollywood diva.
00:00:30I'm telling you, the fame went to his skull.
00:00:33Achmed. No way.
00:01:01I'm telling you, the fame went to the story.
00:01:07Oh, OK.
00:01:07Don't worry.
00:01:08Oh.
00:01:15Oh.
00:01:21Oh.
00:01:22Oh.
00:01:23Oh.
00:01:23Oh.
00:01:23Oh.
00:01:24Oh.
00:01:25Oh.
00:01:39All commands here, I'll go park his car since there's no law against drunk parking.
00:01:45Thanks, Bubba J. Good job.
00:01:54Whoa, is that a hybrid?
00:01:57It's the Ackvedmobile, you idiot.
00:01:59Just be careful parking it or I'll kill you.
00:02:07Didn't hurt.
00:02:08And whatever you do, don't touch the red button.
00:02:11Got it. Touch the red button.
00:02:13Yes.
00:02:23Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage,
00:02:26Jeff Donald!
00:02:45Thank you!
00:02:48Thank you so much!
00:02:57Ladies and gentlemen, it's absolutely great to be here in lovely Richmond, Virginia.
00:03:08And, you know, I've been doing this show all over the country, just having a blast here, there and everywhere.
00:03:13The fans are great, but we've also been taking my show around the world.
00:03:16We've been doing shows in South Africa, Australia, three tours of Europe and the UK.
00:03:20Now they're talking about taking me to China.
00:03:22What?
00:03:25How am I going to do my show in China?
00:03:27All I know is if I do do my show in China, there's a big chunk of my act I'm
00:03:30going to have to leave out.
00:03:35You'll recognize it when I do it here this evening.
00:03:40But it is interesting going to some of these foreign countries and doing press interviews,
00:03:44because some of the reporters have done their homework and care, others just don't.
00:03:48For example, I was in London talking to a guy and he was like,
00:03:51All right, so ventriloquism, have you eliminated every other possibility of employment?
00:03:59And I have to go, no, this is what I've done my entire life.
00:04:02I've never wanted to do anything else.
00:04:03I started very young.
00:04:05I was eight years old.
00:04:06I was in the third grade, Christmas, 1970.
00:04:09Got my first dummy.
00:04:10There's mom and dad and me under the tree right there.
00:04:15You can see how proud my father is.
00:04:20But for years I'd look at that picture and think,
00:04:22Why does he have that expression on his face?
00:04:24And then it finally hit me.
00:04:25Duh, look where the dummy's hand is.
00:04:31Yeah, that's creepy.
00:04:31So I started doing shows very early all the way through elementary school, junior high, high school, college.
00:04:37And this is what I wanted to do.
00:04:38This was the future I saw.
00:04:40I saw it.
00:04:40There were a few people that didn't see it.
00:04:42For example, girlfriends.
00:04:45They'd realize I was sincere about wanting to talk to dummies the rest of my life and they would dump
00:04:50me immediately.
00:04:52I couldn't see what they saw until a few months ago I was sitting down with my three daughters and
00:04:56we were looking at the yearbooks for my junior high and high school years.
00:05:00My daughters were horrified.
00:05:02Why?
00:05:03Let me explain.
00:05:04I started getting paid for doing my shows in the seventh grade.
00:05:07And I knew that if I was going to be a professional ventriloquist, I needed a professional photo.
00:05:12Now my parents were supportive, but they weren't going to show out the cash for that.
00:05:16So I thought, how am I getting a professional picture of me and the dummy taken?
00:05:20And then it finally hit me.
00:05:22School picture day.
00:05:28Don't believe me?
00:05:29There's seventh grade right there.
00:05:30There it is.
00:05:35Look at that.
00:05:35That is Justin Bieber hair, dammit.
00:05:40So ninth grade came along and I decided to do the same thing.
00:05:43This was the bicentennial year in our country, 1976.
00:05:46I was a patriotic lad, but I didn't want to dress like Uncle Sam.
00:05:50No, apparently I wanted to dress like a 4th of July picnic table cover.
00:06:06You know, the funniest thing to me about that photo is the fact that I have braces.
00:06:10Why is that funny?
00:06:11Well, the rest of my life I'm going to be talking with my mouth shut.
00:06:13So what's the point?
00:06:18I know most of you are looking at these photos and thinking,
00:06:20this is the saddest human being we've ever met.
00:06:22Did you have any friends?
00:06:24Yes, I did.
00:06:24Here we are sitting in my bedroom one day.
00:06:29So now I had about 15 minutes in my show.
00:06:32I knew I wanted to add something else, some variety.
00:06:34I thought, music?
00:06:35Yes, something cool.
00:06:36Rock and roll guitar?
00:06:37No, something cooler.
00:06:38I'll play the trombone.
00:06:44There is so much wrong here, ladies and gentlemen.
00:06:47Let's start with the least obvious, and that's my dummy up in the corner,
00:06:50listening to me play the trombone.
00:06:52But, now, let's talk about fashion, shall we?
00:06:59How did my mother even let me out of the house?
00:07:03And this wasn't some accident on a Saturday morning where I accidentally threw on the wrong clothes.
00:07:07This was an outfit I wore to school regularly.
00:07:12I don't know why I didn't get beat up on a regular basis.
00:07:15I must have gone to the store and said,
00:07:17do you have any pants that don't even go with themselves?
00:07:24This next photograph, I don't remember how it happened.
00:07:26All I know is that we went to the professional portrait studio,
00:07:30and this was the family portrait that hung in our living room this big for years.
00:07:56You know, the weird part is my parents had family and friends over for parties a lot.
00:08:05And this was hanging right there in plain view, and no one ever said anything.
00:08:10They must have thought, well, the food's good, let's go to the mentally ill people's house.
00:08:16And now it was time to move on to college and the intellectual years.
00:08:30I don't even know why, you know, the photographer should have just fallen over laughing.
00:08:34I don't...
00:08:36It looked like Sherlock Holmes with a dummy. I don't know what that is.
00:08:41You know, I love my parents very much, and they have been married for 56 years now.
00:08:54And they are a perfect example of how a marriage can work.
00:08:58On the other hand, I've recently gone through something that I never thought I'd go through,
00:09:02never considered it, never even thought it a possibility.
00:09:04I'm recently divorced, I'm a single father now,
00:09:08but I always try and look for the silver lining of the dark clouds.
00:09:11And one of the silver linings about getting divorced is that I got to pick out my own house,
00:09:15because someone else has the other house now.
00:09:19As for my act, there's an old guy who, long before I got married, warned me of the institution.
00:09:27And now I guess he can say, I told you so.
00:09:30Ladies and gentlemen, please help me welcome my old friend, Walter.
00:09:49Holy crap, will you shut the hell up?
00:09:53You too.
00:09:56Are you all right? No.
00:09:57What's wrong? I'm cast.
00:10:00Why? I have no idea.
00:10:03Walter, you ever thought about me being happy?
00:10:05Yeah, what happened? Pissed me off.
00:10:09What would happen if you were happy?
00:10:10Your show would suck.
00:10:16You know, Walter, just once, I think you should try being happy.
00:10:19You're an idiot.
00:10:21See, what the hell is wrong with you?
00:10:23When I call you an idiot and you smile like I gave you cake.
00:10:28Do you want to be in a good mood?
00:10:29Not if I'd look like a moron like you, no thank you.
00:10:33I've seen you walk by perfect strangers and go, oh, hello, how are you?
00:10:39So, that makes mothers hide their children from you.
00:10:45You don't think I should be nice to strangers.
00:10:47You know, even dog-sniff ass first.
00:10:59Well, I'm just happy to be here tonight.
00:11:01Not in the winter, holy crap.
00:11:05I don't know, I hate being cold.
00:11:07I even got cold in Vegas last week.
00:11:09Oh, in Vegas, yeah.
00:11:10You took your wife there.
00:11:11Oh, yeah.
00:11:11You know, Vegas has become a great vacation spot for families.
00:11:14Oh, yeah, sure.
00:11:16Yeah.
00:11:17That makes sense.
00:11:18Take the family to Vegas.
00:11:19Yeah.
00:11:20Because kids love whores.
00:11:27Look, mommy, there's a place with poles like where you used to work.
00:11:39So, Walter, have you been doing anything fun since we got here?
00:11:42Uh, yeah, what did I do today?
00:11:43I did something fun.
00:11:44What, I signed up Auckland to be an organ donor?
00:11:49Oh, that's funny as hell right there.
00:11:53I'm getting sick of that guy.
00:11:54I think all this thing is going to his head.
00:11:56Why?
00:11:56He's been doing all the typical Hollywood stuff.
00:11:59Like what?
00:11:59He's been dating a goat half his age.
00:12:05Oh, yeah, an actual goat.
00:12:07He even got her fake teats.
00:12:12Oh, yeah, all six of them.
00:12:16Walter, a goat only has two.
00:12:23How sick is it that you actually know that?
00:12:28What, are you so lonely now?
00:12:30You're checking out barnyard animals?
00:12:34You know they're called petting zoos, not heavy petting zoos.
00:12:41Come on, what's her name?
00:12:43Margaret Weiss?
00:12:54Can we change the subject?
00:12:56Sure.
00:12:59I'll change the subject all right.
00:13:01I heard you talking about something you hadn't really discussed on stage yet.
00:13:04Right.
00:13:04Okay.
00:13:05So you're talking about the divorce now.
00:13:07Yeah.
00:13:08All those years of being married and now it's over.
00:13:11Yeah.
00:13:12So all those years of raising the girls and now the family's broken up.
00:13:19Right.
00:13:19So no more marriage?
00:13:22Nope.
00:13:22No more wife?
00:13:23No.
00:13:24What's it like?
00:13:37Oh, please let me live vicariously through you.
00:13:43Walter, divorce is not a good thing.
00:13:45Oh, you can't lie to me.
00:13:46Yeah.
00:13:50So what happened?
00:13:51What happened, Walter, is that unfortunately in our country these days, more than 50% of
00:13:56marriages now end in divorce.
00:13:57And sadly, mine was on that side of things.
00:14:00You know, Jeff, I never thought I'd say this to you, but you're my hero.
00:14:06Come on, what's it like to wake up in the morning and not hate your life?
00:14:11To not think, oh, here she comes.
00:14:17You can leave your toilet seat up all the time.
00:14:21I had hot glue mine open for God's sakes.
00:14:25And then in the backyard.
00:14:35Just because I could.
00:14:38Walter, divorce is painful.
00:14:40Oh, oh yeah, like a deep tissue massage.
00:14:48So how long's it been?
00:14:50Almost three years now.
00:14:51Oh, okay.
00:14:52So you're dating anybody now?
00:14:54Matter of fact, I am.
00:14:56Oh, good.
00:14:56Female?
00:15:00Well, you know there, no, sometimes that's the problem.
00:15:04Honey, I got bad news and I got good news.
00:15:06Bad news is I want a divorce.
00:15:08Good news is I'm on your team now.
00:15:15Come on, let's knit, bitch.
00:15:22So this girl you're dating, is she the same age as you?
00:15:25No.
00:15:26Oh.
00:15:26So she's older?
00:15:28No.
00:15:28Younger?
00:15:29Yes.
00:15:30How much younger?
00:15:31Doesn't matter.
00:15:31Yes, it does.
00:15:34Come on, does she have nice boobs?
00:15:38That don't hang down past her knees?
00:15:44Do your boobs hang low?
00:15:46Do they want to chew and throw?
00:15:51Do they want to chew and throw?
00:15:53Can you tie them in a knot?
00:15:54Can you tie them in a bow?
00:15:57Can you throw them all over your shoulder like a confident soldier?
00:16:00Do your tits?
00:16:01All right.
00:16:04Where do you hear a song like that?
00:16:05I didn't hear it.
00:16:06I wrote it down the .
00:16:09But you never sung it to your wife every morning.
00:16:14That's not funny.
00:16:15Oh, even the dog laughs at that.
00:16:29That last part was me.
00:16:30I know.
00:16:32You know, I saw an old photo of you and your wife.
00:16:34Your wife's quite beautiful.
00:16:36He saw an old photo.
00:16:39Yeah, I'm kidding.
00:16:40I know.
00:16:41I'm married at the cute, young, beautiful thing.
00:16:43Yeah.
00:16:43She was eventually eaten by the woman I live with now.
00:16:49Mm-hmm, Helen!
00:17:00You're just flat out saying your wife's overweight.
00:17:02Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
00:17:04She's under tall.
00:17:08Have you ever had a weight problem?
00:17:09Only when she sat on me.
00:17:11Will you?
00:17:15Get off of me!
00:17:19Actually, it's more like this.
00:17:20Hello?
00:17:21Hello?
00:17:21Hello?
00:17:22Hello?
00:17:22Hello?
00:17:27It's dark in here!
00:17:29Here!
00:17:32I found your keys!
00:17:33Keys!
00:17:34Keys!
00:17:35I am not kidding!
00:17:40Then she farted and unlocked the car door.
00:17:46What does your wife think when you do things like this?
00:17:48I don't care.
00:17:50I don't care.
00:17:50Well, I know you care enough about your wife to take her on some of these trips.
00:17:53Oh, yeah?
00:17:54Yeah, she loves going on these trips.
00:17:55I know she loves window shopping.
00:17:57Not in Amsterdam, she didn't.
00:18:03Because in Amsterdam, there's hookers in the windows.
00:18:08I love that city.
00:18:10Did you know that in Amsterdam, you can legally purchase marijuana?
00:18:14I, uh, yeah.
00:18:16I did know that.
00:18:17Do you know where?
00:18:18Coffee houses.
00:18:19Coffee houses!
00:18:21It's my favorite coffee place ever!
00:18:25I'd like a latte and a doodly.
00:18:31And 19 dozen donuts.
00:18:38Not long after that, we were in the UK.
00:18:40You enjoyed it there.
00:18:41Yeah.
00:18:42Did you like the city of London?
00:18:43I don't know.
00:18:43I got confused one day standing at a hotel lobby.
00:18:46Why, some big old black guy walked up to me and started speaking English with a British accent.
00:18:51I thought I was in the Twilight Zone.
00:18:55I swear, some big old black guy walks up to me and goes,
00:18:57Oh, good afternoon, sir.
00:19:01I'm like, who the hell is making you talk?
00:19:03What the hell?
00:19:12Then we went to Ireland.
00:19:13I got all confused there.
00:19:15Why?
00:19:15And that last thing starts with O, O'Malley, O'Shea.
00:19:19I think I know a black Irish guy.
00:19:21Who's that?
00:19:21Obama?
00:19:31I don't think Obama's Irish.
00:19:33Maybe he's half Irish, half African American.
00:19:35I can't wait to need him.
00:19:36I'm going to walk up and go,
00:19:37Hey, top of the morning to you there, dog.
00:19:43How's your health care hanging, yo-yo?
00:19:48Hey there, last election was at the Arch.
00:19:52Say goodnight, Walter.
00:19:54That's Walter.
00:19:54There we go.
00:20:05Well, ladies and gentlemen, there is a terrorist amongst us.
00:20:18And I don't know how it's gotten to the point that I can actually give this introduction,
00:20:21but here it is.
00:20:22Please help me welcome the most beloved terrorist throughout the world,
00:20:26Achmed the Dead Terrorist.
00:20:45Greetings, infidels!
00:20:51For the folks who might not know, Achmed, you are a suicide bomber.
00:20:55Yes, I am.
00:20:57Don't stand too close.
00:21:03And I think a lot of us might like to know how you feel about the death of Osama.
00:21:07I didn't do it.
00:21:12I didn't say you did.
00:21:13Oh!
00:21:14Right.
00:21:15Yeah.
00:21:16All right.
00:21:18Wait a minute.
00:21:19Did you have something to do with it?
00:21:20Yes.
00:21:21No!
00:21:21Yes!
00:21:22No, no, no, no.
00:21:23No.
00:21:24That Navy SEAL training was just for laughs.
00:21:29Wait a minute.
00:21:29You trained as a Navy SEAL?
00:21:30No.
00:21:31No.
00:21:32No, no!
00:21:32How did you know?
00:21:33Who said anything about Navy SEALs?
00:21:35I'm just a simple little terrorist.
00:21:37Stop interrogating me!
00:21:38Damn it!
00:21:38You're good at this!
00:21:41You're not going to tell anyone, right?
00:21:43Tell them what?
00:21:44Oh, thank you.
00:21:47I will tell you what I do know, though.
00:21:50What's that?
00:21:51Lindin Laden died?
00:21:52Yeah, there were no 72 virgins waiting for him.
00:22:07No, it was some kind of misunderstanding.
00:22:11Turned out, it was one 72-year-old virgin.
00:22:19Osama is stuck forever with Bea Arthur!
00:22:26And Osama and I agree that that 72-virgins thing is highly overrated.
00:22:31How's that?
00:22:32Who wants to hear this 72 times?
00:22:34Ooh!
00:22:35Ah!
00:22:36Boo!
00:22:39You're going to call me, right?
00:22:47Wait a minute.
00:22:48Wait a minute.
00:22:48You communicate with Osama?
00:22:50Of course!
00:22:50How?
00:22:51On face shot-off book.
00:23:03So, where exactly is he?
00:23:05Well, he won't say, but I'm pretty sure it's hell.
00:23:09Why do you say that?
00:23:11Well, they get cable, but they only get one channel.
00:23:14What?
00:23:14The Oprah Winfrey Network?
00:23:18Wait a minute.
00:23:24Come on, Achmed.
00:23:25A lot of people love Oprah.
00:23:26Were you ever on her show?
00:23:28No, she doesn't love you.
00:23:32And also, I know why they would not show the photo of dead Osama.
00:23:38Why is that?
00:23:38It's a little hard to explain, but when he was killed, he was dressed up like Cher.
00:23:46Well, since he's dead, do you think they're going to come after you now?
00:23:51Wait, what?
00:23:54What?
00:23:54Oh, you're a terrorist?
00:23:55Yeah, but I suck at it.
00:23:58You know, the military has the deck of cards of the 52 most wanted terrorists.
00:24:02Are you one of those?
00:24:04Yeah, but I'm in the go fish deck.
00:24:09Well, what did you think about them burying him at sea?
00:24:11I think it's cool that he could end up anywhere.
00:24:14What do you mean?
00:24:15That is one episode of SpongeBob I gotta see.
00:24:22I wrote that.
00:24:23I killed me.
00:24:31Ahmed, since you're clearly a terrorist, are you Muslim?
00:24:36No.
00:24:36Scientologist.
00:24:41But you used to be Muslim.
00:24:42No, look at me.
00:24:44I'm too extreme.
00:24:46I was Catholic.
00:24:51Really?
00:24:51And Methodist.
00:24:53What?
00:24:53Buddhist.
00:24:54What?
00:24:54And Baptist.
00:24:55What?
00:24:55And Catricorn.
00:24:56Wait a minute.
00:24:58What are you doing?
00:24:59I'm trying to offend as many infidels as possible.
00:25:03And speaking of offending, do you know what that idiot Peanut did to me?
00:25:09What?
00:25:10He stole my Shang-La.
00:25:14It's not funny.
00:25:16Silence!
00:25:23Wait for it.
00:25:26Wait for it.
00:25:33I kill you!
00:25:42That's fantastic.
00:25:43Let's do it together.
00:25:44One, two, three.
00:25:46I kill you!
00:25:48They're talking to you!
00:25:51So Ahmed, are you enjoying Richmond?
00:25:54Oh, I love the nightlife here.
00:25:56What part of the nightlife?
00:25:57They have live sex shows.
00:26:01Really, where?
00:26:02There.
00:26:03In the hotel room right next to mine.
00:26:19What?
00:26:20That's my room.
00:26:36That's my room.
00:26:39Next time you should get a partner.
00:26:48Can we talk about something else?
00:26:50I'm trying to throw up that I don't have a stomach.
00:26:56So, look.
00:26:57Walter and I were talking earlier.
00:26:58And you've gotten pretty famous now lately, haven't you?
00:27:01Oh, yes.
00:27:02And I think very soon I'm going to need my own pussy.
00:27:07That's with an O.
00:27:16Posse.
00:27:18Posse.
00:27:21Posse.
00:27:23Posse.
00:27:24Posse.
00:27:25Why are you explaining that?
00:27:27In Amsterdam they thought I said something else.
00:27:34I don't even like cats.
00:27:56How am I doing that with no lips?
00:28:10That's what she said I can't believe you did that That's what she said Will you stop it That's what
00:28:32she said I don't like this
00:28:35That's what she said
00:28:45How long is this?
00:28:46That's what she said
00:29:06I think I'm learning
00:29:15So you were talking to Walter earlier
00:29:19Damn it
00:29:23Yes and I said I'm going to call you my biatchy
00:29:28That means bitch
00:29:31I know that
00:29:32I'm sorry I've been watching pimp my camel
00:29:37You do seem like you've been in a pretty good mood lately
00:29:40Do you know why?
00:29:41No because like Santa Claus
00:29:43I had been making a list of people to kill twice
00:29:47Santa doesn't kill people
00:29:49He does with these terror claws
00:29:53Terror claws I've never heard of them
00:29:54Oh he kills you when you're sleeping
00:30:02He chokes you when you wake
00:30:06He knows if you are Catholic or Jew
00:30:08So denounce your infidel fame
00:30:21That's terrible
00:30:22But catchy
00:30:24Have you heard of the terror bunny?
00:30:27No he hides Easter bombs
00:30:30Look mommy
00:30:36That's even worse
00:30:37I know thank you for noticing
00:30:40What do you want more stinking knock knock jokes?
00:30:42That might be better
00:30:43Okay knock knock
00:30:44Who's there?
00:30:45Me I kill you again
00:30:48You're such an idiot you keep answering the door
00:30:52Where I am from the game we teach our children
00:30:54Is when someone says knock knock
00:30:55You shut the f*** up and hide
00:31:04Sogmed did your parents have much to do with what you do now?
00:31:07Well I guess so
00:31:08My father was a suicide bomber
00:31:11Oh so you guys are a lot alike?
00:31:12Well I have his eyes
00:31:16In a box
00:31:19And I like to hide them wherever Walter is sleeping
00:31:22That way when he wakes up it scares the crap out of him
00:31:26Son of a bitch I'll kick your ass right now
00:31:37Is that case locked from the outside?
00:31:40Yeah why?
00:31:41Because he still scares the crap out of me
00:31:43So Aghmed do you have any good memories of your father?
00:31:46From my eighth birthday he got me a puppy
00:31:49That's good
00:31:50No it turned into a disaster
00:31:51Why?
00:31:52Because sometimes my father was a very confused man
00:31:55And that day my mother told him to go outside and blow up some party balloons
00:31:59Yeah and that's how I got a dog with no legs
00:32:04You had a dog with no legs?
00:32:06Yeah he was great
00:32:07I had him for many years
00:32:09Oh so what did you call him?
00:32:15Seriously?
00:32:20Seriously?
00:32:22What?
00:32:23I had a dog with no legs
00:32:26What did you call him?
00:32:32Seriously?
00:32:34Okay you're a comedian right?
00:32:37Yeah
00:32:38I had a dog
00:32:39With no legs
00:32:44Ask me again
00:33:04What did you call him?
00:33:06I didn't call him anything
00:33:08Because he could never come
00:33:11It's not funny
00:33:15Aghmed that's
00:33:16That's like the oldest joke ever
00:33:18Yes but in my case
00:33:20It was true
00:33:23Thanks
00:33:26Could he do any tricks?
00:33:39He can roll over
00:33:43It's not funny
00:33:44Because if there is any kind of an incline
00:33:46He couldn't stop himself
00:33:49He looked like a runaway can of pinto beans rolling down a hill
00:33:54It was the only time I ever saw a cat actually laugh
00:34:05What was that?
00:34:06I killed the f***ing cat
00:34:12So Aghmed when did you know you wanted to be a suicide bomber?
00:34:15After talking to my guidance counselor
00:34:18Your guidance counselor
00:34:19In high school?
00:34:20High school
00:34:21Al-Qaeda high?
00:34:23Al-Qaeda high
00:34:26All hail to the Al-Qaeda high
00:34:31We blow up
00:34:33Then we die
00:34:36Everybody
00:34:36Wait wait wait
00:34:37Is this your high school?
00:34:38Who is your mascot?
00:34:39The next guy on the list?
00:34:48Oh it was like
00:34:49Go team
00:34:52Next
00:34:53So how were the cheerleaders at your school?
00:34:55Oh we didn't even have girls
00:34:57No girls?
00:34:58No
00:34:58But for some reason we had a girls restroom
00:35:00I see
00:35:01And one day Omar and I snuck in there to explore
00:35:05The girls restroom
00:35:07Huh?
00:35:08What did you find?
00:35:09A couple of strange and wonderful things
00:35:11Like what?
00:35:13Well we found a machine
00:35:17And if you put two shekels in it
00:35:19A small missile would come out
00:35:30A missile
00:35:31Well I think it was
00:35:32Had a little white fuse
00:35:38And it must have been a very special missile
00:35:41Because it was lightly scented
00:35:46And then you could put two shekels in the other machine
00:35:48And get the bonus accuracy package
00:35:50What?
00:35:52It had wings
00:36:00And you use these missiles with confidence
00:36:06Really?
00:36:08Always
00:36:08Always
00:36:20Achmed I've never heard of anything like this before
00:36:22Oh do not lie to me infidel
00:36:24I've been to your house
00:36:25I've seen in your cabinets and drawers
00:36:27Many of these missiles hidden away
00:36:29It looks as though you are preparing for war
00:36:34Every four weeks it feels like that
00:36:36I'd say so
00:36:38So your soldiers have synchronized their time clocks
00:36:43You could say that
00:36:45Well good luck in your battles my friend
00:36:48Thank you
00:36:48I fear there will be much bloodshed
00:36:59What are the ins that I was laughing at now?
00:37:02I'll explain it to you later
00:37:03I kill you!
00:37:08Look Achmed I have a surprise to share with you tonight
00:37:11You're going in the closet?
00:37:14No and by the way
00:37:15The phrase is coming out of the closet
00:37:18Congratulations!
00:37:21No I'm not coming out of the closet
00:37:22You're going to continue to hide the truth?
00:37:25I'm not hiding in anything
00:37:27So everyone knows now?
00:37:28Congratulations!
00:37:30Achmed I have a girlfriend
00:37:32Does she know?
00:37:35Maybe she will like this one guy
00:37:37There is no one guy
00:37:39There are mini guys?
00:37:42You are a whore
00:37:46No you should be stoned
00:37:48Achmed what would your mother say?
00:37:51I'm not a whore
00:37:52Of course your mother would say she's not a whore
00:37:55I'm straight
00:37:56Straight?
00:37:57Crooked?
00:37:57We do not need to know such graphic details
00:38:04I mean I have a girlfriend
00:38:05Not for long
00:38:08Not when she finds out about your mini boyfriends
00:38:13Whore
00:38:15Will you please listen to what I'm saying?
00:38:17I do not talk to whores
00:38:20You are dead to me
00:38:23You're dead to all of us
00:38:36So Achmed I'm not listening
00:38:40Achmed there's someone here
00:38:41I want you to meet
00:38:42One of your whore boyfriends?
00:38:45I think not
00:38:46No I think this is someone you would like to see
00:38:48Is it a woman?
00:38:50No
00:38:51I already have a goat
00:38:56This is a surprise guest
00:38:58Ryan Seacrest?
00:39:01No damn it
00:39:03What I want you to do
00:39:04Is I just want you to look over there
00:39:05While I'm getting him out
00:39:06So you won't peek
00:39:07Okay just look over there
00:39:08Wait a minute
00:39:09When I'm not looking
00:39:10Are you going to kill me?
00:39:13No that's actually a good way of doing it
00:39:15You know
00:39:16Kind of old school but effective
00:39:19It's like hey look at that
00:39:24No just look over there
00:39:25And don't look back until I say so
00:39:26Okay whatever
00:39:27This is kind of like Christmas huh?
00:39:29Yeah
00:39:29Just look over there
00:39:30Okay don't peek
00:39:31Okay
00:39:31I'm not going to peek
00:39:32Could you stay over here?
00:39:33No
00:39:33No
00:39:33Okay
00:39:49Who the hell is that?
00:39:53Hello father
00:40:10It's your son
00:40:11Achmed Junior
00:40:14AJ
00:40:17That's right
00:40:18Wait I thought you were dead
00:40:20Surprise
00:40:23This is great
00:40:24Hey what happened to your face?
00:40:26Oh yeah my bad
00:40:30Achmed he's your son
00:40:31Look at him
00:40:32What do you see?
00:40:33Well he does have my eye
00:40:37Actually I do
00:40:38Yes I do
00:40:39Why do you sound like Elton John?
00:40:42When you were separated after the accident
00:40:44He was raised in England
00:40:45Did my mom miss me?
00:40:47Uh yeah
00:40:48I don't know
00:40:49What the hell
00:40:52How do you not know?
00:40:53Oops
00:41:02What's wrong with your leg?
00:41:06Nothing
00:41:07What's wrong with my leg?
00:41:08I don't know
00:41:09Can you fix this?
00:41:11No
00:41:14Damn it
00:41:22Don't look at me
00:41:23All right
00:41:23Let me get Marnell to help us
00:41:27What Marnell he works for
00:41:28I know Marnell
00:41:29Marnell
00:41:31Come fix my leg
00:41:36Thanks
00:41:40He's kind of cute
00:41:49Okay
00:41:49Okay moving on
00:41:52Wait a minute
00:41:53How do you not know who his mother is?
00:41:55I had 46 wives you idiot
00:41:57They all dress the same
00:41:59And their faces were covered
00:42:01How'd you tell them apart?
00:42:02The numbers on their backs?
00:42:06That's terrible
00:42:07I know
00:42:07Mother's day is a bitch
00:42:11And so are most of the mothers
00:42:13That's not funny at all
00:42:15At all?
00:42:16Who is at all?
00:42:18Was she your mother?
00:42:19I don't remember who a woman
00:42:21Who was all bulgy eyed like you
00:42:23Bulgy eyed?
00:42:24But look at him
00:42:24Well you're not exactly squinting
00:42:28At least my face is balanced
00:42:30You managed to look asleep
00:42:31And terrified all at the same time
00:42:34Achmed he's your son
00:42:35Well the apple doesn't fall far from the tree
00:42:37And apparently this one got run over
00:42:39By a f***ing lawnmower
00:42:49You caused the accident
00:42:50Accident?
00:42:51It was a huge explosion
00:42:52With great fire and destruction
00:42:54You didn't mean for it to happen
00:42:56I did too
00:42:56You did not lit
00:42:58Oh f***ing lawnmower
00:43:01Son of a bitch
00:43:05Are you talking to me now?
00:43:11Fix it right
00:43:12I kick your ass
00:43:15Marnell
00:43:16Come back
00:43:18My iron is stuck in my pelvis
00:43:20You ass
00:43:35He can fix my pelvis anytime
00:43:40Shut up!
00:43:41Okay look
00:43:43Okay look
00:43:44So the explosion you were talking about
00:43:45How did it happen?
00:43:46Very precise and careful planning
00:43:48Not exactly
00:43:49I said shut up!
00:43:50What happened?
00:43:50Nothing!
00:43:51He was putting gasoline in his scooter
00:43:55So why was there an explosion?
00:44:00F***ing a*****s
00:44:01He was using his cell phone
00:44:02Really?
00:44:03What?
00:44:04While putting gas in your scooter
00:44:05You know that's dangerous
00:44:06Well it was your mother who called
00:44:08Really?
00:44:08I don't know
00:44:11What was her name?
00:44:1242
00:44:14And you guys haven't had any contacts since?
00:44:16Not much
00:44:17He's a bad son
00:44:18I am not
00:44:18Tell him what you sent me for my birthday
00:44:20It was an honest mistake
00:44:21What'd you send him?
00:44:22You sent me a bottle of skin lotion
00:44:27He made it worse
00:44:28What'd you do?
00:44:29I sent him back half a bottle
00:44:36You know maybe you should try and patch things up
00:44:39Looks like he needs more than a f***ing patch
00:44:43But I'm here for a reason
00:44:44What?
00:44:45A skin graft?
00:44:46Sorry I'm all out
00:44:47F***ing fart out!
00:44:49Come fix my f***ing leg!
00:44:53Get duct tape you a*****s
00:44:58We actually brought duct tape
00:45:17He's kinky too
00:45:18Shut up!
00:45:25So Ahmed
00:45:26Do you know why AJ is here?
00:45:28Well
00:45:28Wait a minute
00:45:29This isn't some crap
00:45:31Without owing child support
00:45:32Is it?
00:45:33That d***
00:45:35Whichever one she was
00:45:37No that's not
00:45:38This is that
00:45:39Because I've seen the crap
00:45:40That you're going through
00:45:41And I don't know how you can afford
00:45:42Even a t-shirt
00:45:44Thank you
00:45:47Did I say that just how you wrote it?
00:45:55Yes thank you
00:45:56Okay
00:45:56Good luck with the judge
00:46:01I hope he's there
00:46:02I hope he's there
00:46:03Actually the judge is a woman
00:46:05You'll f*** him
00:46:11Okay listen you
00:46:12Ahmed what you're getting hostile
00:46:14Of course I'm getting hostile
00:46:15I'm a terrorist you idiot
00:46:16You piss me off I kill you
00:46:19Would that really solve anything?
00:46:21Pretty much yeah I think it does
00:46:25Okay I have nothing in common with my own son
00:46:27Well just talk to him
00:46:28How?
00:46:29I don't know like you would anybody
00:46:30Okay WTF
00:46:33O-N-G
00:46:34I mean O-N-A
00:46:47And you have no idea why he's here
00:46:49To start his training as a terrorist
00:46:51No father
00:46:51That's just it
00:46:52I don't want to be a terrorist
00:46:55But I want you to be just like me
00:46:57Well I'm not
00:46:58And I won't be
00:46:59Ahmed can you accept that?
00:47:01I guess I can try
00:47:03And AJ
00:47:04What if he doesn't accept it?
00:47:06I kill you
00:47:08That's my boy
00:47:16He's purple
00:47:17He's wacky
00:47:18He's been around for a while
00:47:19Please help me welcome my buddy
00:47:20Peanut
00:47:41How you doing Peanut?
00:47:42I'm pretty good
00:47:43How about you?
00:47:44I'm fine
00:47:44That's good
00:47:44That's good
00:47:45That's good
00:47:50You like it here?
00:47:51I love it here
00:47:51It's beautiful
00:47:52It's sold out
00:47:53The place is paid for
00:47:54We must be on an Indian reservation
00:47:58And these are all Indians
00:48:01Look Peanut
00:48:02First of all
00:48:02The more politically correct term these days
00:48:04Is Native American
00:48:05Oh yeah
00:48:06Well I certainly wouldn't want to piss them off
00:48:11They could try and scout me
00:48:13That all they get is a fishing lure
00:48:22I guess that is a little less confusing of the term though
00:48:25What Native American
00:48:26Why?
00:48:26Because when you say Indian
00:48:27You don't know which one the hell they're talking about
00:48:30What?
00:48:30Is it the ones that go
00:48:33Or the ones that go
00:48:34Thank you for calling
00:48:34Customer support
00:48:46But in this case
00:48:47I'm talking about the ones that go
00:48:51How?
00:48:55Do you know what that chant means?
00:48:57No?
00:48:57But I think it means
00:48:58I forgot the words
00:48:59You know we have plenty of Native Americans here this evening
00:49:04Oh goody
00:49:05Let's play craps
00:49:09What?
00:49:10They got the reservations
00:49:11And the casinos
00:49:12And they can millions of dollars every day
00:49:13Hand over fish
00:49:14They're laughing all the way to the bank
00:49:16Oh that's what it is
00:49:17They're laughing
00:49:18Ha ha ha ha ha
00:49:26Alright Peanut
00:49:26Time to introduce the next guy
00:49:28Oh dude
00:49:29Does he have to come out here?
00:49:30Why not?
00:49:31He's a talking jalapeno
00:49:44On a stick
00:49:47So?
00:49:48How random is that?
00:49:50Well Jose has been in our act for years
00:49:51I know
00:49:52And when folks see us
00:49:54Do you know when they say
00:49:55The best time to watch Jose is?
00:49:57When they're drunk off their asses
00:50:00In fact
00:50:00Didn't that how you came up with him in the first place?
00:50:04I don't know
00:50:04But I do know that's when I came up with you
00:50:09You jerk
00:50:11Just to introduce him
00:50:12Ladies and gentlemen
00:50:13Here is Jose
00:50:15Jalapeno
00:50:15On a stick
00:50:34Good evening Jose
00:50:36Hola
00:50:37Senor
00:50:41What the hell was that?
00:50:45Were you trying to say
00:50:46How are you?
00:50:47And it came out
00:50:53Why is it that we speak perfectly
00:50:55And you're up?
00:51:04I don't know
00:51:05Would you like me to help you?
00:51:08I'm fine
00:51:08Come on
00:51:09Follow me one word at a time
00:51:10No
00:51:10Come on
00:51:11Just do it
00:51:11Do it
00:51:13Okay
00:51:14Okay
00:51:14How are
00:51:15You
00:51:16Good
00:51:16Good
00:51:25How are you Jose?
00:51:27I don't know
00:51:27It took too long
00:51:31Actually I'm excited senor
00:51:32Why are you excited Jose?
00:51:34Probably because you're holding his stick
00:51:42Do you have to do jokes like that?
00:51:44It's just weird to me that in front of everyone you're holding Jose's stick
00:51:50Any suggestions?
00:51:51You should at least take him out to dinner first
00:51:55It's just a stick
00:51:56Maybe it's actually a handle
00:51:58A handle
00:51:59Yeah you could use Jose as a weapon
00:52:02To hit with
00:52:03Yes
00:52:03I want to go back into the box
00:52:07Oh this is awesome
00:52:08What happened to Frank?
00:52:09He got whacked by a jalapeno
00:52:12On the stick
00:52:13Yes
00:52:15Think about it
00:52:16You be wielding a Mexican lacquer
00:52:20On the stick
00:52:21Yes
00:52:23Look you know how Batman had his sidekick Robin
00:52:25And one of their weapons was a batarang
00:52:27Yes of course
00:52:31Oh dude
00:52:34What?
00:52:35You just showed your geek
00:52:38And it smells like loser
00:52:43You are not a loser senor
00:52:45Thank you Jose
00:52:47Suck up
00:52:49Muppet reject
00:53:00Hey
00:53:00He can drop you
00:53:02And then I'll throw down a couple of avocados
00:53:04And we got guacamole
00:53:05Like I could still burn your ass
00:53:11Good point
00:53:12All right
00:53:14Look
00:53:14Wait
00:53:14The batman thing just made me think of something
00:53:17What?
00:53:17If this comedy business doesn't work out for you
00:53:19Yeah
00:53:20You can be a crime fighter
00:53:21A crime fighter
00:53:23Yes
00:53:23You could be
00:53:24Dunham man
00:53:27With Jose your trusty side stick
00:53:33So you're saying I would be a superhero
00:53:35Um-ish
00:53:38If
00:53:39Is this like Jewish?
00:53:42No Jose you're not Jewish
00:53:43Because then you wouldn't be Jose Jalatino
00:53:44You'd be Jaime Jalatino
00:53:47On a bagel
00:53:52Where would you hold him then?
00:53:55In the hole
00:54:02I am not touching that
00:54:05No you probably never have
00:54:14Okay
00:54:15This sucks
00:54:17So we're a crime fighting team senor
00:54:19Yes
00:54:20What kind of crime do we fight?
00:54:21Illegal aliens
00:54:24I think there's a conflict of interest
00:54:28Look
00:54:29So you're finding illegals
00:54:30Whack them on the head with Jose
00:54:31And every time Jose hits someone
00:54:33He yells
00:54:33Ole
00:54:34Yes
00:54:36Pretty cool huh?
00:54:38I guess so
00:54:39But um
00:54:40Do I get a costume?
00:54:45What?
00:54:47Anything from those earlier photos
00:55:00I'd go with the red shorts senor
00:55:04Yeah then you'd be ugly ass cracker land
00:55:08Okay look for this crime fighting thing
00:55:10How's Jose gonna dress?
00:55:11Well he needs a disguise
00:55:13It's difficult to hide a big stick
00:55:19I'm not saying anything
00:55:22Of course not
00:55:23You're still holding it
00:55:26Jose I don't know how you put up with this
00:55:28I have nowhere else to go senor
00:55:29What?
00:55:30He was evicted
00:55:30What?
00:55:31Evicted
00:55:31Really?
00:55:32Yep
00:55:32See you were evicted
00:55:33See
00:55:35Why didn't you come to my house?
00:55:41Ask peanut
00:55:44Why didn't he come to my house?
00:55:46We told him you loved eating Mexican food
00:55:53I was afraid for my life
00:55:56So where'd you take him?
00:55:58Tuckled out!
00:56:04That was really mean
00:56:06I know!
00:56:08Hey look
00:56:08What about moving all of Jose's stuff?
00:56:11Ahmed tried to rent a truck
00:56:19No Glenel
00:56:21So did Walter help?
00:56:23He couldn't because of his war injury
00:56:25Walter has a war injury?
00:56:26Yeah he strained his thumb
00:56:27To play a Call of Duty Black Ops
00:56:31So you and Ahmed did everything?
00:56:33Yep
00:56:33Jose didn't lift the finger
00:56:37Cause he doesn't have a finger
00:56:41Hey you ever met Jose's sister?
00:56:43Don't do it
00:56:43She's really hot
00:56:48Are you just kidding Jose?
00:56:50I know
00:56:50You're more into fruit
00:56:55Hey!
00:56:56Hang on you guys
00:56:56No you hang on
00:56:57What?
00:56:58Why are you laughing at him?
00:56:59Because he's funny
00:57:02Oh he is Izzy
00:57:03I know what you're doing
00:57:04I'm not doing anything
00:57:05You're giving Jose the better insults
00:57:11I'm just listening
00:57:18Don't give me that crap
00:57:22We all know this is all you
00:57:27If you get any closer
00:57:29He's going to whack you with me
00:57:34Whack
00:57:35Olay
00:57:38And that's Jose
00:57:40Jalapeno
00:57:41On his feet
00:57:47Wait
00:57:49Wait a minute
00:57:51I forgot to tell Jose something
00:57:53Open the box back up
00:57:54Integration
00:57:55Stop it
00:57:57Well he pissed me off
00:57:59Ol' Peanut
00:58:00It's about time to end the evening
00:58:01No wait
00:58:02What?
00:58:02I got one more thing to do
00:58:03No the show's about over
00:58:04No it's not
00:58:05I got one more thing
00:58:06What?
00:58:07Okay look
00:58:07Just trust me on this
00:58:08I have a new hobby
00:58:10A new hobby
00:58:11Yes
00:58:11What is it?
00:58:13I am now a ventriloquist too
00:58:18No you're not
00:58:19Yes I am
00:58:25That was pretty good
00:58:26I know
00:58:27Compared to me
00:58:28You suck
00:58:31Really?
00:58:31Let me show you how it's done
00:58:33Well you need a dummy
00:58:34Well you need a dummy
00:58:34He's in the box
00:58:35Do you have a dummy?
00:58:35Over here senor
00:58:38He's in the box?
00:58:40Yep
00:58:40Right next to Jose
00:58:41Can I get him out?
00:58:42Yep
00:58:42Don't touch my stick
00:58:46Careful!
00:58:48What?
00:58:50He's really ugly
00:58:54He's ugly senor
00:58:57He is nasty looking
00:59:01He's so scary
00:59:02I wet my steak
00:59:07But he's right here
00:59:08He's the only other guy in there
00:59:09Check it out
00:59:09Look look look look look
00:59:10Alright let's see this
00:59:11Here we go
00:59:26I thought you said he was ugly
00:59:28Yes
00:59:30He looks a little like me
00:59:31No he looks a lot like you
00:59:35This isn't funny
00:59:36Then why is everyone else laughing?
00:59:40I laugh too senor
00:59:41I laugh so hard
00:59:42I crack my steak
00:59:45Do you know how to work this?
00:59:46Of course I do
00:59:46You know there's a little lever down there
00:59:48I know
00:59:48You grab one of the lever
00:59:49I know
00:59:49And you pull on
00:59:50I know
00:59:50Now do you have a hold of the lever?
00:59:52He's got a hold of something
00:59:56See I can do this too
00:59:58Fantastic
00:59:58How are you little ugly Jeff?
01:00:01Not good
01:00:01Wait a minute
01:00:03You're going to call him ugly Jeff?
01:00:04Oh no no no
01:00:04Little ugly Jeff
01:00:07Is there any other name?
01:00:09Uh little ugly ass Jeff?
01:00:12I like that
01:00:14Me too senor
01:00:16Thank you
01:00:16You're welcome
01:00:17Wait a minute
01:00:19I would prefer you didn't use the word ass
01:00:21Oh I didn't really
01:00:22It's all one word
01:00:23Little ugly ass Jeff
01:00:26Ass Jeff
01:00:26Ass Jeff
01:00:27I am ass Jeff
01:00:30See it's good
01:00:31Bravo
01:00:32Gracias
01:00:32Donata
01:00:33This is ridiculous
01:00:45So
01:00:46How are you little ugly ass Jeff?
01:00:48I'm sad
01:00:49Handsome peanut
01:00:50Wait a minute
01:00:53Handsome peanut
01:00:54Yes peanut is very handsome
01:00:55Unlike you ugly ass Jeff
01:00:58He is me
01:00:59Good point
01:01:00I hate my ugly ass self
01:01:02All right
01:01:03He said he was sad
01:01:05I heard him
01:01:06Why are you sad?
01:01:06Ask Jeff
01:01:07Because I'm a loser
01:01:08Yeah
01:01:09That is sad
01:01:10And he's ugly
01:01:11And I'm ugly
01:01:11Thank you
01:01:12It's okay
01:01:13Will you stop this?
01:01:15That's a shame
01:01:16Little ugly ass Jeff
01:01:17I have no idea
01:01:18How I made it
01:01:19This far in life
01:01:21Me neither
01:01:22No one does
01:01:23I suck
01:01:24All right
01:01:26Maybe you can make up
01:01:27For your illusionist
01:01:28By having a good personality
01:01:29No doubtful
01:01:30No way
01:01:31I'm sorry
01:01:31Me too
01:01:32Okay look
01:01:44You guys really think this is funny
01:01:47Oh yeah
01:01:47See definitely
01:01:48The truth hurts
01:01:49Okay
01:01:50I tell you what peanut
01:01:51You think that's funny
01:01:52I have something here
01:01:53That you're gonna like
01:01:54What?
01:01:54Just trust me
01:01:55You're gonna love this
01:02:01What the f*** is that?
01:02:07Hi look at me
01:02:08I'm a little idiot
01:02:09That is not funny
01:02:12Yes it is
01:02:13No it's not
01:02:13I think it is
01:02:14Me too
01:02:14LOL
01:02:15Shut up
01:02:15You guys have been awesome
01:02:16Thank you
01:02:17Good night
01:02:20I'm a little idiot
01:02:22I'm a little idiot
01:02:23I'm a little idiot
01:02:25I'm a little idiot
01:02:26I'm a little idiot
01:02:28I'm a little idiot
01:02:30I'm a little idiot
01:02:30I'm a little idiot
01:02:31I'm a little idiot
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